Mar 11: It turns out that Danny wants the potatoes so much because he has been feeding a stray dog for the past month. The dog loves mashed potatoes and is starting to grow all its hair back from some sort of sickness or injury. Danny puts the potatoes on as a salve for the wound and the dog licks it clean. Dog saliva is antibacterial according to Danny, he had dogs growing up. How clever! He is helping the dog help itself.
Mar 9: I started my training at KFC today, not too bad. I get to take home a lot of food. Nick and Danny said that I can stop pitching in for toilet paper and trash bags if I keep the biscuits and mashed potatoes coming home every day.
Mar 7: KC (A gentleman would never give her name - profiles are sacred) wrote me a real email this time, we have a lot in common. I sent her a link to this blog so she can get a good idea of the kind of guy I am. Hi KC!
Mar 6: A wink from Match.com! A girl in the big KC is interested in the T-man. I immediately winked back - one good turn deserves another!
Mar 4: Someone emailed me to let me know not everyone is a player hater. Thanks for the encouragement!
Mar 3: ibbee1@yahoo.com emailed me again to tell me that it was him who called me to say I got the job at KFC. I instantly called KFC to see if that was true and it was, but they were going to offer me the position, but at the same pay as Russ. I will get the same hours at first, but by summer I could get up to 35 and they are willing to let me start after spring break. I can do all the training beforehand and then jump on the schedule immediately afterwards. This was a tough sell, but I think they know I am worth it.
Mar 1: I gave my 2 weeks notice to Russ, who thanked me for being willing to make the layoffs easier. He told me that he wished things were different, and good luck at KFC. I told him no hard feelings: business is business and T-man goes to the highest bidder.
Feb 29: Leap year is sweet. KFC offered me a job at pay $0.50 and hour higher than the standard wage I would go to at the end of training. They also offered me more hours and were willing to work around my Spring Break plans. The casino is on. Danny's aunt came through and we only have to pay for 2 of the 5 nights we are staying at the casino. Oklahoma here we come, I've never been there, it sounds so exotic compared to Kansas with staying on a reservation and all.
Feb 27: KFC interviewed me, I think it went good.
Feb 25: Russ is going to have to let some of the staff go. I know I am still on training and probation so I turned in an application to KFC today. I need to be prepared and hey - it could be a bargaining chip if they don't want to give my old pay to me. Once they find out that the Colonel is interested, they make come up with the means to do right by me.
Feb 24: An email to me claimed responsibility for the dump in the tub, it was from ibbee1@yahoo.com. I have no idea who this is, but he knew more than enough of the circumstantial details surrounding the incident for me to doubt his claim. He gave a thorough account of how to walk from the front door of our house to the keg, how to sit on the tub to do the deed, and he knew there were a lot of cornnuts in it. I am amazed at the nerve of some people.
Feb 23: With all our attention focused on the tub, we didn't find the loaf someone left in the bathroom cabinet. We chalked up the stink to the one source but when it didn't go away, we had to do a thorough cleaning which resulted in the gross surprize (lucky me) that someone relieved themselves in the hairbrush and razor drawer. I dont know who is driven to take dumps in so many obscure places, but the color implied that there were two mystery men in cahoots. I certainly hope that we have found the last of the surprizes.
Feb 22: Well, the party had mixed results: we did have a blast but the tub had new problems. Someone took the little drain screen off the drain and took a dump in the drain. I dont think Drain-O can fix this one and Danny forced it too far in to get out. He was trying to use plastic spoons to dig it out, but no good. We called plumbers and two hung up on us before we could get one to agree to come look at it. He wanted $250 to fix it and we told him we would call him later if we could pull together the money. It was then that enlightenment struck me - I suggested that we buy a vaccuum from Goodwill for $20 and pull the load out with it. It worked, but it got hot in the vaccuum and the house stunk for days. Not to mention the nasty residue from pond ice had sat in poop soaked water the whole time. But - the tub is functional again. The vaccuum smelled so bad that we didn't feel right disposing of it in our complex dumpster. We put it on top of Nick's car and threw it away at a gas station.
Feb 19: The keg arrived today, tomorrow we will put it in the tub. Nick had the great idea to use snow and ice instead of buying ice. There is a little pond that still has an ice skin on it a few miles east of town. We will load the bed of Danny's friend's S-10 with the pond ice and just add it to the tub as the night progresses.
Feb 18: We cleaned up a lot in preparation of the party, throwing away a lot of trash and stuff we dont use anymore, like the Papa John's delivery signs that we stole from the delivery cars and bags upon bags of styrofoam that came as packing in Danny's computer parts.
Feb 16: We are having a huge party this weekend on the night of the 20th to celebrate the drain working again. We are going to fill the tub with ice and all the beer will be served in there. This would be problematic from the perspective that the toilet (or rather the good toilet) is in the same bathroom, but Nick has generously agreed to let the girls use the toilet in the master bedroom's bathroom. If guys have to pee, they can go into the backyard and pee on the big anthill in the corner by the gas meter.
Feb 15: I forgot about the Drain-O and the tub has some issues now. It drains fast at first then just stops draining after like 15 gallons. Those 15 gallons take like 6 hours to drain. I tried Drain-O again, and Danny didnt know and now his feet have some chemical burns on them. He has pretty bad athletes foot and I guess it hurt really bad. Oh well, maybe it will help him kick the infection.
Feb 14: Work is going good, I talked to Russ about the pump idea and he suggested Drain-O as a way to fix our tub. I liked it better when it was a challenge to mechanically fix. I bought some Drain-O and the tub is being worked on as I type.
Feb 12: The pump died today, Nick left it on for a whole day. I think it would last a long time if you turn it off when you're done using it, but Nick left it on and it pumped dry for more than 20 hours. He is buying a new one, but i need to figure out a way to have a failsafe on it.
Feb 9: After Ann left, I really needed to work out some agression, so I took on a project that we had been planning for some time. Our bathtub has a little draining issue. Unlike our toilet which dates back to the time when men were men and dumps were huge enough to make todays toilets tremble in fear, our shower drains very slow. I took an aquarium pump and routed the hose over the edge of the tub and behind the toilet where if youre taking a long shower you can just kick on the pump and empty out the water through the aquarium pump which dumps the extra water into the toilet. Brilliant, I must say, because now you don't have to turn the pressure down really low for a long shower which is a total pain because at the low flow it is so much harder to balance the hot and cold water to get the right temperature. I wanted to route the hose out the window originally, but i think the constant flow of water out the window would be a little more than the pump could handle. I tried it out immediately after getting it all set up and it works like a dream. The guys will be thrilled. I am not sure how soap, hair, and stuff will affect it; I may have to install a filter or something on it for best pump life performance.
Feb 8: False alarm. Ann, as it turned out, just needed to use the shower. Nick threw up on her and then told her that she could clean up at our place (rather than drive 45 miles covered in hurl), she just needed to walk a block with me and use our place. Apperantly she is a friend of Nick's friend who was ironically, throwing up outside in the bushes when this happened.
Feb 8: OH MY GOD! I am going to get some boot-ay. She's a girl named Ann or Pam. She is pretty drunk and in the shower, gotta log off. I didnt even have to use the slaughter line!
Feb 6: Russ gave me the OK, I have 5 days off work and Danny is going to call his uncle once he gets off shift from the slaughterhouse. I think it would be pretty cool to say that you slaughter for a living. I bet that's how he got married to the Indian girl, she probably like asked him what he did and he said slaughter and she was like, whoa, this guy is a stud. I think I might use that on some girls at the party Nick and I are going to tonight. Timmywampus the slaughterer. Cool.
Feb 4: The guys are trying to figure out where to go for spring break. I was thinking that going to Wichita would be pretty kickin, but Nick and Danny are thinking we could go to somewhere in Oklahoma. Danny's uncle married an Indian whose tribe runs a casino there. He thinks we could get good rates on a room in the casino because of the family thing. I don't know if its true or what. I guess that would be kinda like going to vegas except cheaper. I need to decide quick so I can put in for vacation, and try to convince Russ that I will come back on time this time.
Feb 3: I am still a little gun shy from the bet, i get worried any time I go more than 36 hours without a BM. I try to envision that the toilet is Darmella's underwear drawer, that usually cheers me up.
Jan 30: Profile updated on match.com. I wonder if anyone will want me... I hate you Darmella.
Jan 27: I got my job back, but with some conditions. I am on training salary and probation. If I go 3 months without a no-show, I will get off probation and in 6 months I will get back to my old salary level. Russ said that I was his best workers and he thought I was assistant manager material 6 months ago. He said we can get there again, but it will take time to show him I am back.
Jan 25: Classes began on the 5th, but the school is going to allow me to return in the fall. The damage to GPA is done, I can't do anything about it and I am now a year behind on graduation. The professors suggested I work until the fall, but I lost my job because of no-showing with Darmella. I got an interview there again tomorrow with the manager, hopefully he will believe that I have changed.
Jan 21: We went back to Wal Mart today to weigh me. I took another 2 small dumps (a 4 and a 6 of 10) between the feat at Burger King and weigh in, I lost 6 pounds. Pretty impressive.
Jan 20: Took a huge dump today at Burger King. I made it to day 7 and for the life of me, I couldn't take a dump all day. I sat on the pot for like 2 hours, but it wouldn't come. Feast or famine I swear! Just for fun, I weighed in on the Wal Mart scale and came in 8 pounds more than normal! I was worried. Anyway, after Wal Mart, we went to Burger King and had lunch. I had a small lunch, but something happened and I was afraid I would not make it to the bathroom. It felt like I was on Alien and had one of those things, except it didn’t tear out of my gut, it was trying to rip my butt open to escape. So I forgot about courtesy flushes, all rules were off at the moment. I filled that toilet up so high, the poop was no longer falling into the water. I knew it was a toilet clog waiting to happen so I limped to the next stall and got the door shut just as someone walked in. They opened the stall door next to me and started cussing. They left, which was good because I was having stagefright, but not for long. I took what would have been a 10 on the dump scale (had I not already set a record next door) in this toilet too, and was done. I flushed it, luckily BK has a power flusher there, but they need a shovel for the other stall. I looked at it on my way out and was amazed. My belt was like 2 notches tighter than when we came in and I was kinda lightheaded. Nick thinks it was endorphins - the body's natural painkillers. He was the cusser from the bathroom. There was indisputable evidence I had not cheated and he paid me $60 of the $100 on the spot. I'll get the other $40 on his payday.
Jan 18: I spend most of my time lying down, it hurts to sit anywhere and I avoid looking at the bathroom door as much as I can. I pee in the yard because I am afraid I would not have the will power to not take a dump and I am only a day away from victory. I cant write anymore - it hurts.
Jan 15: Bean bag chair no, but I got a Miller Lite inflatable chair. Its not too bad, but it gets sticky when you're in it for too long, so I covered it with an afghan my mom made me and it's not so bad anymore. After making it through yesterday, it's like the poop retreated to a staging area and is not threatening me anymore. These Miller Lite chairs are not perfect though, they are surprisingly unstable when not against the wall. I have cut back on eating so that there isn’t as much poop being made. I figure I am better off slowing production than just erecting a dam. I wish I would have thought of this the day we made the bet.
Jan 14: This is tougher than I thought. My gut hurts with a knifelike edge. Sitting really sucks, especially on hard surfaces. Lying down though, it's not so bad. I find that Danny's bean-bag chair is almost the best. He's getting mad at my "living in it" as he says. I may have to buy my own.
Jan 12: Nick bet me $100 that I could not go a week without taking a dump. The bet is on. I will miss it for the next 7 days, but no worries. He said today counts, despite already having gone to the bathroom. Usually I have a morning and an evening sitting, so the mission commences this evening. That $100 will help make up some of the losses Darmella brought into my life.
Jan 9: Talked to the office of admissions, there is a way I might be able to get back in to FHTC, but apperantly it will involve a lot of kissing up. I thought I was going to dominate with those 18 hours last semester, but Darmella's legacy is as cruel as she is. 18 hours of F absolutely destroyed my GPA and I didn't even bother withdrawing prior to grades. If I would have done that, it would be simple to get back in, but this is going to permanently effect my GPA, not to mention set me back a semester, cost me $ for the same classes again, and prevent me from getting a job when the economy bounces back. I'm so depressed thinking about it I don’t want to write any more.
Jan 7: Darmella - I hate you
Jan 6: Found my car. I spent most of the 4th lying in bed, barfing, or pinching loaf. Old Milwaukee Best Light is a mean ride. Yesterday I got the strength to actually leave my room for a reason other than expelling toxic waste. When I came back, the stench nearly made me leave again, but it needed something done otherwise it would never leave, or I would get used to it. I opened up the windows and let the cold wind clean out the room. The roommates asked if I was going to pitch in extra toward the bills, but when they smelled what my room was like, Nick said nevermind and Danny left whining about how he wasn’t going to cover me. Whatever. Anyway, my car was in a parking lot in a Lawrence Hobby Lobby parking lot. I was like, what the heck? Then I figured it out. The Pier 1 was right next to a Perkins restaurant that we must have went to eat at. The question really is who brought me home? The way we found it was a fluke, we went to Lawrence so Nick could see his girlfriend and she wanted to go to Burger King, of course I was up for it. He stayed at her place playing PS2 and I went with her so I could use the ATM. As we waited for the ATM, I looked over and there was my car! It was like the best day I have had since before meeting that evil Darmella. I was thinking about reporting it stolen, but now I don’t have to. Life is good again.
Jan 4: Woke up around noon, wondering where my car is. Why is it that every time I party - I can never remember where my car is. I see this having 2 possible ways to fix it -1: drink less or 2: walk to the party. Obviously there is no point even joking about #1, but walking is such a pain. I guess there is always the city bus or mooching a ride, but then you're at the mercy of someone else. When T is ready to go, he goes. Man, my head hurts, I am going back to bed.
Jan 1: Happy new year from Timmywampus. You know, last night was pretty lame, but there is a party on the 3rd at Kevin's house. That should rock. Everyone is supposed to bring a 12 pack by tomorrow and he will spray paint all of the cans. He is then going to fill his duplex dumpster with ice from some pond he hauls in his pickup, and dump all the cans in. What you get is what you get. No one will know what they are drinking and everyone gets to drink. I am taking Zima.