Bow Down to Your God

"Hmmmm," Suncat started, but suddenly a speakerphone appeared in the midst of the group and a voice said, "You have a collect call, will you accept the charges?" Tumnus looked at Suncat and jokingly said, "I hope whoever it is used 10-10-220 so they can save a buck or two." Suncat jabbed him in the ribs and said "Yes, I'll accept." "Thank, you, connecting." "Suncat, Tumnus, and the rest of you, God here! Get out of Egypt, it is imperative that you leave immediately!" "Where do we go?" "Do I have to tell you everything? Take some initiative, just get on your way." "Yes, Lord." "That is all." click, dial-tone. "Well, it's hard to get an idea of where to go, as Mt. Washington is now docked at the Nile delta, so I say we pick a direction and head that way," said Kittywampus. The group packed up camp and made sure their fire was out, and then noticed that the Egyptians had surrounded them. "You must give us the horned child, so that we can sacrifice him to appease our angry god, whose temple he hath defiled." Tumnus took a quick glance, at his estimation, there were about a thousand of the pagans, but they all had jelly. "Yoda," he said. Yoda was crowd surfing through the Egyptians and giving them a hell of a contact high. "There, where Yoda is," started Kittywampus, "their defenses will be weakest there as they are stoned off their asses. We make a run for it there, grab Yoda, and head into the desert. With any luck, we will reach the edge of Egypt tonight." They juked left, juked right, throwing most of the Egyptians off, and then hauled ass towards Yoda, who had started up a Frisbee game with the surrounding army. Yoda being used to the THC was ok, but the others were novices, and not used to the pot. They were tripping over each other, laughing, and not able to get up. As Yoda saw the gang coming, and fast, he threw the Frisbee over the heads of the team, and all the Egyptians ran and were suddenly behind them. Suncat grabbed Yoda and they were on the road again, just like Willie Nelson.

"There is something funny, almost deja-vu-like about this entire situation," remarked Kitty, as he leafed through the Old Testament. "Vu, Vu, Deja-vu," laughed Yoda from over Suncat's shoulder. "What exactly are you?" Tumnus asked Yoda, "You're like green like a reptile, but you have hair like a mammal." "I am Yoda." "Here it is! I found the passage!" yelled Kitty, "I am the Lord thy God, who brought the out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Though shalt not have strange gods before Me. Thou shalt not make to thyself a graven thing, nor the likeness of anything in heaven above, or in the earth beneath, nor of those things that are in the waters under the earth. Thou shalt not adore them, nor serve them." Over the sound of distant thunder SOT Baahed in Morse that the conditions described sounded just like their day so far. "True," began Tumnus, "but there is a lot of Egypt we have to cross through, this day is far from over, son." DOS stopped in his tracks and pointed just to the left of the direction they were heading, and on the horizon they spotted a large building. It was decided they would rest and take lunch once they got there.

As they neared the building, people came into view, people clad in a lot of leather, chains, and fishnet stockings, whipping and chasing each other. "Funny, there is no mention of this place in the Harvard Student Agency's 'Let's Go Egypt' guide I have," commented Suncat, "I wonder what it is?" "I don't know if I like the idea of resting there," Kitty started, but it was at this time Yoda donned his leather, police-style cap and run towards the building, whose sign was just being read by Kittywampus through his spyglass, "It says 'House of... oh no... it is the House of Bondage!" Suncat and Tumnus looked at each other, then at Yoda who was running full-bore again, straight into temptation's open, extended palm.

asdf, ooooh mama don't hurt me! "Then, Vatorbutt said icky icky putang zooopla ichy ichy pang pang."

Yoda bust into the house of Bondage. "I need some rope. Yo, I thought I toldja!" said Yoda to the doorman, who handed Yoda a Gideon bible. Yoda used the thin ass pages to wipe his butt. "No Yoda! How dare you profane the bible like that" said Tumnus, as DOS quickly jumped up and snatched the bible with his mouth. He cleaned it with what he had... a gun cleaning kit, and then tucked it safely away like a Kickapoo drinkin’ mountain dew, whatever that means. "Come on everybody c-c-come on everybody!" The place went bananas as the DJ played some Jive Bunny. Yoda picked his dance partner, a sphinx looking woman high as a kite, smoking weed rolled in heavy papyrus. "What should we do" asked Tumnus. "Might as well join in the party, just keep your eyes peeled for danger" said Suncat. Suddenly, Bill and Hillary Clinton entered the scene, "I'm in the house now for sure!" said Bill Clinton. Hillary made a mad dash for the "wheel of pain", and put on a strap on. Bill was like a kid in a candy store, and went for the chocolate covered dildo dessert tray. Then, Elvis dropped by, he was not dead after all, wearing blue suede shoes and dancing to the bondage house rock. "This is getting out of hand" said Tumnus, who stage dove into the corner where an African keg of Pabst was just freshly pumped, and proceeded to do a mega keg stand. Not to be outdone, Suncat jumped really high, and when he landed, crashed through the floor, and went deep into the floor. The place began to rumble, and then, up through the floor, busted out Turbo Timmy, Suncat the pilot, with SOT and DOS in the backseats. Clinging on the feet of TT were undead sarcophagi, dripping vile liquids and black acid that when vaporized became pure evil, bringing death to all those who inhaled. "What the hell is under there!" Said Tumnus, jumping quickly into TT, as everyone around began to decay. The turbines whined loudly, and TT bust through the ceiling. "Where's Yoda!" questioned Suncat alarmingly. "Oh, he's outside in the outhouse".

...In the Outhouse...
Demons of death approached the outhouse, looking for prey. Inside, Yoda was having his way with an unwholesome bitch, he thought, but he was so high, he did not notice it was simply an oversized snuggle bear with a hole in its belly. Yoda, still with extrasensory perception when high, and in fact enhanced, new evil was afoot, and quickly levitated and left through the roof. "Raise the roof off this muthafuckah!" he said, as he now elevated to about 200 feet, and looking down, could see demons converging. TT extended a friendly hand and brought Yoda into the cockpit. Tumnus pushed a button, simultaneously dropping a 100 megaton nuke on the place and engaging the engines, accelerating TT to warp speed straight upward and out of the planets atmosphere. The evil below was incinerated in a splendid blast, as the Earth sucked it all up and buried it forever under the influence of a reverse shockwave concussion.

...Up in Space..
Well, it's only 6pm, we still have several hours until the next day" said Suncat. Suddenly, God opened a fold in space-time, and dropped them a message in a bottle. It read, "You are cheating, get back down there!" Next thing ya know, they were drifting down in parachutes. "That sucks," said SOT as everyone turned to stare, Yoda laughed - giving away his Jedi mind trick (nothing more than mass hypnosis). Once they landed, the crew faced the demons of death, which survived the earth's consumption of evil by having morphed into a hairy crossing guard. "You may leave this place by crossing the street, but only if you answer me these questions three." "Very well," said Suncat. "What is your name?" "Suncat." "What is your quest?" "To obey the 10 commandments." "What is your favorite color?" "Burnt Sienna, I always liked it as far as browns go." "Very well, you may leave." This continued until Tumnus was next to last with all the others sitting at a bus stop waiting for them to join them. "What is your name?" "Tumnus." "What is your quest?" "To obey the 10 commandments." "What is the interest accrued by depositing $10,000 at an annual interest rate of 7.5% for 12 years?" "Is the interest accrued annually, quarterly, instantaneously, or what?" "Use your best judgment." "You'd get some money, but without you telling me the terms I can be no more accurate than that." "Very well, you may pass." Suncat shook his head amazed Tumnus bluffed his way through. Last was Yoda. "Do you think we should have sent him in the middle instead of putting him last where he could fuck it all up?" Suncat asked Tumnus. "Oh man, I didn't even think about that." The guardian decided to mix it up a little with Yoda by asking new questions, "What is the proper conjugation of the verb 'fart' in Mandarin Chinese?" Yoda looked at the guardian and said, "I don't need you bitch," grabbed the stop sign, and levitated across the guarded area. The guardian's neck telescoped out and his teeth turned corn yellow from his fury, but try though he would, he was unable to cross the street to the bus-stop as there was no one to stop the traffic for him.

Finally the bus arrived, as white as the most shimmering of Samite, with a flowing white beard, feathery wings, a shiny gold halo over the front end, and a license plate saying 'GODISGR8'. "This must be our ride, to take us out of the land of Egypt and out of the house of bondage," said Kitty as the crew climbed onboard, "much of the prophecy has come true! We have faced the graven image and won, according to the bible - we are almost done!"

"The driver turned around and it was Apollo from Battlestar Galactica. "It is true that I am to take you out of Egypt, but beware of assuming you are close to being done. Need I remind you of the perils of the pride of man?" A trio of Cylon fighters appeared aft of the bus and started firing. Apollo got on the ball lickity-shit and chauffeured them out of Egypt, but not much further as the lead Cylon ace proved to be more of a match than Apollo could handle. The ace fatally wounded the bus, which lurched to the side of the road and died in a gasp of diesel smoke. The Cylons veered off not to be seen again in this story. A lobster and Celine Dion appeared dressed in leopard print pants. One of Kittywampus' legs morphed into David Hasselhoff and the other into a 1982 Trans-AM with a sweeping red light, eerily reminiscent of the Cylon's eyes. "A matching Celine Dion and lobster... we are in an odd place," muttered Suncat. "Quite," replied Tumnus. "Indeed," countered Suncat. "I win!" they said in unison. Celine and the lobster were so intent on eavesdropping on Tumnus and Suncat's conversation that they failed to notice Kitty roll over on his TA leg and kick Celine with David Hasselhoff's head. Celine doubled over as Kitty surprised her from behind with a mean old boot between the legs making David smile despite breaking his nose on her bony crotch. The lobster turned to duel, but Yoda beat Kitty to the punch and made quick work of him, the battle culminating in a nice lobster thermadore to be precise.

Celine grew desperate and morphed into a Concorde jet, but Tumnus (always thinking) threw a piece of metal into her engines and she caught flames. Rather than die, she morphed again, this time into a statue of liberty wearing a pink mini skirt an cherry flavored lip gloss. DOS trotted over, and thought about worshipping her...she reminded him of his first girlfriend back in 8th grade. "NOOOOO!" said Suncat. Yoda simply smiled, rose up in the air and shot an arrow with a tranquilizing tip on the end into DOS's ass. DOS was out like a light. "Whew, that was close" said Tumnus. "Quite" replied Suncat, quickly moving his arms in a blender motion and stopping, only to reveal a crystal ball. "Today is Friday, and it's almost midnight" said Suncat. "You needed a crystal ball to tell me that?" asked Tumnus, while Yoda let out a "Yippie kiya mutha fucka!." "Oh, lookie what Yoda has done" said Kitty. Yoda was riding the crossing guard like a horse. He soon grew tired, and slew him with a long pointy sword. "No, I meant that we have almost survived the day," said Suncat. "Who's clock are we going by technically anyway?" asked Tumnus, looking at his watch which was always 3 minutes slow. Suncat knelt to pray, and soon his prayer was answered. "The Ebay Clock" said a thundering voice out of nowhere. "Ah, ok. Luckily, Kitty has a handheld satellite internet connection. Change your homepage to Ebay, Kitty" said Tumnus. "He already did" said Suncat. "I am always..." began Kitty, to which Tumnus, Suncat, DOS and Yoda answered in unison, "PREPARED!" Just then, thunder and lightning filled the sky, as an intense line of thunderstorms formed overhead.

If Tumnus was right, these were the same storms from this morning. "Kitty, let me see that!" he said as he snatched Kitty's bible and started to leaf through it. "Here it is, Exodus chapter 40, verse 34: 'For the cloud of the LORD was upon the tabernacle by day, and fire was on it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys.' I think that cloud isn't a storm at all, but the presence of God!" As the clouds approached, Kitty refreshed his screen, "less than a minute," he said. SOT baaahed loudly as the cloud decended to the ground and from inside the cloud emerged a large gong and it started to ring the hour. "Very well, children of God, you have obeyed the first commandment and are well on the way to completing your quest. I suggest you rest now, as tomorrow is at hand and will present challenges. The LORD is pleased with your progress, and bids you goodnight." Darkness fell over the land and the team drew out their sleeping bags and called it a day.