Swear Not Upon Your God

"Well, today is going to be a toughie, no taking the Lord's name in vain. Does that mean all cussing, or just cursing?" Tumnus pondered aloud. "No shit!" said Yoda. Suncat rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, this ones going to be hard if it means all swearing, but I am thinking it just means cursing God or using His name to curse someone. To be on the safe side, i would suggest we not cuss at all." Kittywampus had been up for some time and told the group the story of his latest creation, sure to disturb the next person to use the public restroom. He had spent almost an entire roll of toilet paper filling the bowl up to the point where nearly all the water had soaked up into the paper. He then took a huge dump on top of essentially what was an enormous toilet clogging spit wad that someone would have to remove manually rather than flush. Quite pleased with the prank, he shared it with the table, making the team laugh so hard; meade came out of DOS's snout. "WHAT THE HELL?!? WHO DID THIS?" they heard screamed from the restroom, and they all laughed again, but this time DOS was joined by Yoda spilling meade out of his nose. Suncat sensed a little jealousy from DOS, who up until now had been the king of excrement. Kitty slapped DOS in the ass, signifying the duel was on. DOS jumped from his seat, and the two commenced a duel of shits. DOS lowered his ass, and began dropping logs, one by one. Kitty, facing him a few paces away, simply stood there and smiled, little stick logs falling to the ground. Tumnus was the timekeeper, and warned there was one minute remaining. DOS smelled blood, as his pile was much bigger than Kitty's, whose turds were of the stick variety. Just then, Kitty whipped out a gallon of exlax mixture, and drank quickly. "I am always prepared," said Kitty, as a final turd emerged, quite large... rivaling the sewerduck log from story 9 and making Kitty groan. The time was up, and it was too close a call for a visual. They would have to weigh the poop. Yoda brought over his postal scale, very accurate indeed. Kitty won by the equivalent of a dime sack, according to Yoda. Then suddenly, letters from the March of Dimes fell from the sky, all asking for 6, 12 or 20 dollar donations and included nice address labels for all. Everyone forgot where they were, and really it didn't matter, God just puts them where HE wants anyways. "Where are we" asked Tumnus. "We are in Antarctica," answered Suncat not too happily. Indeed, Kitty had noticed a chill in the air. "What the hell are we supposed to do here?" asked Tumnus, suddenly remembering it was not good to cuss. "Well, actually, Hell is a place, so I don't see the harm in..." lightning struck a single tree next to him, doing two things. First, Tumnus would no longer say Hell today, and second, it was strange. "A tree in Antarctica?" questioned Suncat. "How odd." "Maybe it migrated," said Yoda, who was floating around in circles. He levitated even higher, and came down with some good news. "I see a grove of trees and a tall sign over yonder" said Yoda, pointing his joint. "Let's go then," said Suncat. Then, they were off, and in a jiffy, they arrived at their destination...an isolated Burger King restaurant, nestled among some small hills and scattered houses.

...Inside the Burger King...
Tumnus promptly ordered 2 Whoppers and 2 King sized fries, along with a small Sprite. SOT, who until recently had been asleep in his car seat, got a kids club hamburger meal. Inside was a Juan Gonzalez bobble head doll, which he would rig into a booby trap and leave for an unsuspecting victim. Kitty, Suncat, and DOS proceeded with their orders, and sat down in a booth, which Tumnus had picked - and cleaned. "What is the matter with you!" scolded Tumnus. DOS had ordered a large Coke. "Since we are eating IN... you should just get a SMALL drink, it is cheaper, and you can go up and get refills," said Tumnus. SOT gave his two cents worth, saying that maybe DOS was simply paying the extra so that he would have more to drink in his FINAL refill, when they leave. "That makes sense," said Suncat. "But then again" started Tumnus..."if that WASN'T the reason, I suppose you could argue you are saving energy by not having to get up as many times to refill your beverage." Kitty took this opportunity to get up and refill his own beverage. Wouldn't you know it though, they needed to refill the syrup, all that was coming out was carbonated water. Kitty went up to the counter, and asked the worker to refill. The worker came out, cussed out Kitty and plugged in a new canister of syrup. Kitty watched the worker very closely...then after he was done, went back to the table to finish his French fries.

"Did you guys notice anything peculiar about the BK employees?" asked Kitty. "Yes, I did" answered Suncat..."None of the people have skin... it's like in the movie Hellraiser. I was just waiting to see if anyone noticed, or if it was just me." Suncat glanced over at Tumnus, as the whole group burst into laughter. Still laughing, Suncat and Tumnus, wearing trench coats and much like in the movie the Matrix, began to whip ass and take names by shooting holes in everything in sight, including the other customers, who also had no skin. "Oh my God, look!" said Tumnus... as a dingo, skinless of course, trotted by, and began to tell them about a snowball fight that was going on outside. SOT didn't like the talking dingo very much... it scared him. The dingo continued, with an English accent. "Ah yes, where was I? Oh yes. So, the other dingoes outside, and my friend, Sue, came from Tel Aviv. She made a VERY large ice laden snow ball, and..." SOT shot the dingo in the head. Meanwhile, the other BK employees had sounded the alarm, all screaming and wailing like a bunch of skinless banshees. SOT jumped the counter and dove head first into a pile of french fries, and feasted heartily. In minutes, all the skinless ones were dead. "Ok, now what?" asked Suncat, catching his breath. "Man, what did we just do? And where the... uh, where is Yoda" Tumnus said, almost cussing.

...In the BK Bathroom...
Yoda had never seen a normal bathroom before, and was amazed. "American Standard" he said, reading the toiled brand name. "World Dryer." Yoda had to shit something fierce, and having used a port-o-potty previously, sat down on the toilet. The seat was still warm. He sprung to his feet, offended at the thought that he had not been the first to enter the sanctum that was the Burger King Men's room. He began to levitate around the room, dangling poo and dropping it where he hovered. He caught a glimpse of something in the corner, so he approached, inside was a swirling cloud of lighted, sparkling dust. He felt a feeling of intense energy. The air smelled of ozone and felt electric. Yoda's last turd hit the ground with a plop. "OOOh," he said as he reached into the cloud. His eyes flung open as his hand was grabbed from the other side and he was pulled towards the cloud as it turned from a silvery color to red and black. Time slowed and the gang burst into the bathroom, "Yoda?! What are you doing?" Tumnus yelled as he dove to grab Yoda's flailing arm trying to grab anything to keep him from being pulled into the growing anomaly. Soon all the members were linked hand to hand trying to extract Yoda and the others from the swirl. The energy was reaching incredible levels, dark clouds began to gather and the earth split open belching fire and heat into the cold Antarctic air. Time was slowing and gravitational forces were threatening to tear the limbs from each successive person in the chain as time was slowing near the center and shearing as the distance from the center increased. Suncat was on the periphery and saw what was happening, and he let go of the stall door, and all fell into the cloud as the entire place burst into flames.

When they awoke, they were all dressed in pep-clothes and in the front row at a GBHS pep rally. A loud strained groan broke their trance. Tumnus looked around trying not to draw attention. "Apparently we have entered a time-space nexus and looking at the posters, we have been sent back to spring of 1993," started Kitty, "a time of great upheaval and turmoil by the looks of things." Another loud groan, this time from across the auditorium. Tumnus and Suncat exchanged glances and inhaled deeply; their pair of groans were harmonically identical to the two previous groans came from them. A loud "Beeee!" pierced their ears just as Joe Connor walked into the center of the auditorium holding hands with his wife. "Let's get out of here," said Suncat, "Indeed," replied Tumnus. After getting passes from the teachers, the posse regrouped in Senior Hall. They walked outside and summoned Turbo-Timmy from stasis. Suncat was glad he had installed the temporal drive, which enabled remote control of TT from any time in history with the push of a button. "Best 2 hours I spent working on TT," he said to Tumnus as TT materialized and opened the hatch. Just as Tumnus prepared to make the jump back to 2002, Suncat grabbed his hand, "Wait! Connor and his wife split up in 1992, something is wrong here." DOS ran a diagnostic and confirmed Suncat's theory. There is a disturbance in the time continuum here, it is localized and only here in Great Bend. It is centered here, at the high school, right.... there, in the physics lab." Suncat looked at Tumnus and said "Of course, at the pep rally, it was in the afternoon, in 1993 I never went to afternoon assemblies - I got out of school at noon." Tumnus thought and came up with the plan, "Kitty, how far back is the timeline corrupted?" "Just a few months, it is fine in November 1992, then all of a sudden around the end of the year it gets all confounded."

Suddenly, VB walked by TT and ashed his cigarette on the hood. "What is he doing here?" On that signal, hundreds of skinless and now souless banshees charged the scene led by VB's newest Generals - Edward James Olmos. Suddenly, Peter Frampton appeared with a small clone of Phillip Drummond. "All the Generals died, except Phillip Drummond, who promptly turned into a bicken and although not a chicken, was finger lickin............ BICKEN... oh tee dee dee dum, sickle cell anemia, yeah man, like to the max." said VB, who was hiding under the bleachers. VB vanished suddenly. The crew would now go to 2413 Shawnee Drive, where they would see history be made.

The hard-hitting crew made their way up the street, and found the house where Tumnus used to live. "There goes my mom to the store... that means, it should be happening any moment." "Let's hide in the old woman's house," said Suncat. They went around the block, and found the old woman's house. SOT confirmed it was the right one, it had a banana stuck on the window. Knock knock! "Who is it?" said the old lady, from behind the peephole. "It is I, King Arthur," said Tumnus. "Oh, come on in then," said the Old woman. The door opened, and to her surprise, it was not King Arthur, but instead the boy from across the fence, all grown up. "You!" she screamed, as Tumnus hit her in the head with a sledgehammer. Peter Gabriel came out of the old woman's bedroom wearing a bra and panties. "I want to smell your butt," he said to Suncat. Suncat signaled Tumnus, who cast a spell that raised the sea level 1580 feet, making GB a port city. A giant chicken thrashed ashore set on the destruction of not just Peter Gabriel, but of all that was in the old woman's life. It rampaged through her yard as the crew watched from the relative safety of TT parked at the end of the block where it had a commanding view of the alley. A young Tumnus bolted into the yard dressed quite eclectically, but still easily recognizable. He set off an explosive charge strategically placed in a limestone pit barbeque that focused the blast toward the chicken and killed it in a barrage of 40 pound bricks. With the chicken now dead, the floodwaters receded and all that had been submerged was reanimated by the chickens fleeting life force. All were ignorant of what had happened, in fact none were aware of what had happened, it was like it never occurred.

"Kitty?" Tumnus asked. "Yes, the timeline is 98% restored, the remaining 2% was hidden since the majority was here, but now it is pronounced. There is someone here from the 24th century, and they are in NYSE." Suncat looked at the stereo in TT's dash (which had been synchronized to e-bays clock), "We only have 10 minutes before the closing bell!" Tumnus leaned forward and engaged TT's temporal drive and suddenly they were in downtown Manhattan with 9:59 left before the markets opened. "Nice driving," said Yoda as he picked a pencil out of his leg, "I sat on it when we got in..." he cut himself off with a deep drag off a joint. "It's medicinal... for the pain," he explained. They all donned Snuffy cloaks of invisibility as after the events of Sept. 11 "The events of Sept. 11 can suck my ass," Suncat said. Yes, anyway, after the events of Sept. 11, the NYSE security was such that they needed the invisibility, not because they couldn't get in without them, just because it would be a lot easier than having to explain MIB-like circumstances to an unsuspecting and unprepared people. "We have 4 minutes," whispered Kitty to Tumnus. They all broke into a room and stopped short of the bell balcony. Jerry Tarkanian and Twiggy from (Buck Rogers in the) 24th century were about to close the days trading. "The past personalities opening and closing the market have had no bearing on its performance," Kitty said as Twiggy raised his hand to strike the bell, still a full minute away. "Yes, but as we all know, past performance does not guarantee future results," quoted Tumnus from every mutual fund prospectus he had ever read. "Indeed," replied Suncat helping dress Tumnus as a Twiggy. "Ready?" "Ready." Suncat then paused time's passage and carried Twiggy from the balcony and placed Tumnus in the exact place he had removed Twiggy from, and erected a time/space containment field in the hallway where Twiggy would be restrained. He then restarted time.

Tumnus waved to the traders below who excitedly waved back, as they laughed nervously at the thought of a robot closing the NYSE. Tumnus then removed his helmet and the crowd gasped - this was no robot! He twirled the gavel around like a drum major (except nowhere near as gay) and at the exact nanosecond the clock struck, he closed the market. Jerry Tarkanian fainted from shock; Tumnus took the helmet and ran out to the corridor to meet up with the others. Tumnus and Yoda exchanged jumping chest-buts to celebrate the accomplishment, and Twiggy exclaimed, "Biddy-biddy-biddy, you all shall pay dearly!" With that he activated a device in his chest that transported them all back to the 24th century, but while the transfer was taking place, SOT ripped the shiny device out of Twiggy and Twiggy was lost in time's interstitial fabrics, never to have a body again, his very existence and AI was left in a flash of heat as he ceased to exist in any form of matter or energy. "Whoa shit, that was trippy," said Yoda.

The crew materialized on a platform on what appeared to be earth's moon, but oddly enough they could see the earth and the moon. Tumnus knelt in prayer, asking for guidance. A shaman came to them and explained how a large asteroid had hit the earth, but due to a mechanimal absorbing the energy and some universal manipulating of events and timelines, the catastrophe had failed to take place, but it's energy of impact was shifted to another part of the timeline. Tumnus eyed Suncat nervously as the events of the DCV nexus aperture came to mind. TT had absorbed a lot of energy in a meteor impact, but if it was an asteroid of several magnitudes greater... yes Suncat hypothesized that if the energy levels were too great TT safeties would intervene. He ran through the schematics in his mind, and yes the safeties were on the same circuits as the temporal drive. Even though the temporal drive had not been installed then, he made the installation retroactive (the only thing convenient about that drive), and that would have accounted for the ability. The excess energy flow, having tripped the safety of the recharging system would have flowed un-impeded to the temporal drive and been grounded out in the timeline, but in the 24th century? The earth had been split in half, but the energy had been trapped in the iron core of the earth and had provided an energy source great enough to provide artificial gravity for centuries yet to come. The earth was now a binary planet system of hemispheres with a moon orbiting on a bisecting plane. "Fascinating." said Suncat. "Twiggy escaped our control and went back in time to prevent the events against our will," the shaman continued. "We will send you back to your time, if you see Twiggy send him back to us by touching the button in the middle of his chest and we will deal with him." "Why don't you just latch on and bring him here?" asked Suncat. "Due to the physics in time, you can send back in a known frame of reference because you know exactly where any one thing was in the timeline at a given instant," he started "Just like the movie Jumping Jack Flash!" interrupted Yoda. "Sure," the Shaman continued, "but to return to the future which has been altered by past events, you need to carry a localized transporter with preset coordinates." He then sent the crew back to TT outside the NYSE, time 11:45PM. Suncat drove TT in Fairmont mode to Times Square, as the eBAY clock rolled to 11:50, their second day was nearing an end. Suddenly, the manhole cover in front of them shot up into the air, and out of the hole came Twiggy. "Biddy biddy bop...Funky Funky!" he said, and with that, he went back down into the sewers. "We must catch him, and before midnight," said Tumnus. "If we don't, then we'll have to deal with him in the next story." All agreed it was imperative to catch Twiggy, and activate his self-addressed time stamped mechanism in his chest.

But wait, SOT had ripped it out, and held it in his hand. SOT set the device down on a fancy doily he had in his pocket, right in the middle of the street. Suddenly, 12 teenage mutant ninja sewerducks came out of the sewers, along with Twiggy. They were holding him hostage. The lead sewerduck pointed a wing at Suncat and said..."YOU will meet our demands, or he will die!" "Now, give me the device," said the leader sewerduck. Suncat responded by turning Twiggy into swiss cheese with his machine gun, and then telling Julian (the lead sewerduck) that he will now meet his demands. Suncat thought a while, then changed his mind... Julian will meet SOT's demands. Suncat handed the situation over to SOT, who promptly made several demands. 11:59 pm. SOT demanded that the ducks all stood in a row. Then, he demanded that they cut off their beaks. Then, SOT quickly wrapped them all up in Saran Wrap, and tied them all together with wire. He then put several empty toilet paper rolls into one long tube...connecting one end to Julian's butt, and the other end he stuck into Twiggy's makeshift butt, which was really just a hole. "Oh my, look!" said Kitty. Everyone's attention shifted from what SOT was doing, to the sky. The moon was much larger than normal, increasing quite quickly in fact. "The gravity between the hemispheres is increasing," said Suncat. "We need to go." "SOT, are you done with that time machine yet?" asked Tumnus. "BBBBAAAAAAAAA!" he exclaimed. SOT had his ducks in a row, with a wire through them. The remains of Twiggy were on one end, and the silvery contraption SOT took from Twiggy's chest was on the other end.

"I think the moon colliding with the Earth is God's alarm clock...we are actually inside a big clock!" said Kitty. Jack Horkheimer appeared on the scene, but no, it was his ghost...ghastly white, and with a solemn look on his face, he quickly became rabid, and bit Yoda in the butt. Yoda cried for his mommy...Kitty gave him a dime bag, which took his mind off the pain. SOT Baaa'ed, and everyone quickly went over to the time machine. In order to leave the 24th century, they would have to slap each sewerduck on the ass, then fart. Yoda went first, flying by in mid air, with his hand extended, it went quickly, and at the end, he farted, and poof, he was gone. Suncat helped DOS by holding his front paw out and running by the row of sewerducks holding him, allowing DOS's paw to hit the asses, and then, DOS farted, and poof, he was gone. Kitty and SOT followed suit, then Suncat. "Whoop dee dee dee, I fahted" said Suncat. Tumnus ran by the ducks, and stood by Suncat. They would faht together. They farted in unison, just as the falling moon grazed their hair, on a crash course with the center of gravity. The sewerducks were sheared apart by the gravitational forces. A strange thing happened though, a nexus appeared in the manhole, and out popped VB, who had just been in Great Bend. He quickly snatched the remains of Twiggy. "I have plans for you" he said. With that, he fled back into the nexus, which would bring him to his dungeon where he would be up to no good. As for the group, they were back in Egypt. "Why are we back here again?" asked Kitty. "It's either hot as hell, or cold as fuck... why can't we go to a temperate zone?" asked Suncat. Tumnus' heart skipped a beat, but then resumed normal function as he realized it was 12:01 by eBay clock... Suncat was safe to cuss. "Fuck it, let's get some mutha-fuckin sleep" said Suncat. "Hell yeah ma trigga! With yo finga on tha trigga!" said Tumnus. And with that, they all laid down once more, ready for the next day, whatever it will have in store.

The End.