Praecepta Decalogi

Praecepta Decalogi
(The Ten Commandments)

This Day is the Lords!

"Hit me!" yelled Bill Clinton. The doctors knew better than make Bill wait, so they came running, syringe in hand. Dr. Binky began to administer the dose, but suddenly it began to glow green. This only made Bill angrier at the delay. "HIT ME!" The doctors closed their eyes and Binky shot him up. What happened next was amazing. Bill began to experience extreme cramping. "What is happening to me!" he said, taking Binky and ripping off his mask and goggles. "Nooo!" screamed Binky and his partner, as green gas came out of Bills mouth when he talked. His eyes also turned green, and then suddenly, he bent over in pain, and pinched a quick loaf. Bill had eaten too many green Skittles, and it showed in his fecal matter. Much like a cookie chock full of M&M's, Bills log contained scores of green Skittles. Bill passed out from passing such a log, and Binky and his partner quickly wrapped the log in a silk hanky, put it in a special drawer, and locked it, with an electronic retinal scanner as the only way to access it. Only one person would be able to open it...Bill Clinton, or at least anyone with his eyes. Bill regained consciousness, and paid them their 2 million they had asked for. "Our work here is done" said Binky and friend, as they shed their clothing, only to reveal they were a couple of furry gremlins. "Now we will be able to buy as much candy as we like" they said in unison. Then, they were off, never to be seen again. Bill, still recovering from the trauma, laughed hysterically, as he knew he now had quite the bargaining piece... a green skittle laden piece of shit, better known as the fifth element. "With this, I will rule the world!" he said.
Meanwhile... at the park....
It was a beautiful Sunday morning, and Suncat and Tumnus were engaged in a rare game of yard darts. Tumnus flung one way too high, and it ended up on the church roof. "Fetch boy" said Suncat to DOS, who promptly... no, he did not turn into a bicken, but instead, simply climbed up a trellis and retrieved the dart. DOS sensed something strange, almost like a vibration of energy coming from within the church. DOS barked to his friends and master, and invited them to investigate. As they entered the church, Bill Clinton was leaving and passed them by, gave them a quick stare, and then left in his chopper, popping skittles as he left. The closer they got to the church, Suncat too noticed something odd about the church, and wanted to investigate. "I sense a disturbance in the force," said Yoda, "a strange feeling, one not of this earth." Upon entering, Yoda led them to the confessional, and he pushed a button on the holy water urn next to it. The entire confessional lifted off the ground revealing a secret passageway. After walking down the long corridor, they reached the lab and conducted a thorough search. Suncat emerged with a CD containing all the important information on the site and SOT turned up a strange box, engraved with great care, and sealed with a retinal eyepiece. They put the CD in Turbo-Timmy's drive and learned of Clinton's sinister plan - Operation Heimlich. "We must leave Godthab immediately. There are 4 other sites around the world where we must obtain the boxes. Tumnus fired up TT's engines and made stops in Red Square in Moscow, northeast of Jinan on the Yellow River delta in China, Orange City in Florida, and finally in Hue City, Vietnam, to the citadel compound known as "The Purple City." Each box they gathered was ornate, hand-carved, and inlaid with precious stones. The crew sat looking at the boxes. "Now what?" asked Tumnus.
Yoda studied the boxes and said that he would tell them a legend that may shed some light on the subject, but only if everyone participated in a bong session (except for SOT, because he was too young). Tumnus set TT's autopilot on and turned on the countermeasure and defensive manouvering systems. Suncat said "Good idea, you never know how long Yoda's chronic will take us out of action." Yoda fired up the bowl, and the hallucinations kicked in fast. When Suncat opened his eyes, Ricardo Montalban was toasting them. "Relax!" Yoda yelled as Suncat reared back preparing to fight. "He is our guide on this spiritual journey." Tumnus groaned as the THC set in and Kitty clutched his ass, weed always gave him the runs. Ricardo told them of how the rainbow of fecal flavors could be assembled at the approaching eclipse to open a passageway to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind, a journey into a wondrous land, whose boundaries are that of imagination! Suncat sat bolt upright and asked how such a thing was possible, but Tumnus held up his hand and assured him that it was possible. They went to work immediately trying to figure how to arrange them. Tumnus turned to ask Ricardo about the puzzle, but Ricardo was walking out the door. "I can only answer one more of your questions, my time here is nearly gone." "How do we use these?" "It is the 5th element, use the others to activate it." "The plane, the plane!" Tattoo yelled. "I must go now, goodbye, my ahhhh!" He yelled as SOT blasted him out of TT's door with a column of mayo. The column severed tattoo's head as well. "Activate them..." Suncat pissed on the pile, and the yellow one reacted, it unfolded an edge "That is ironic," he muttered. He picked it up and set it aside. "Yes, great idea!" Tumnus farted on the remaining pile; the green one unfolded an edge. It was sat aside, and SOT held a lighter to the last 3, red unfolded. Kitty dumped some dirt on the last two - and orange opened up. Tumnus sat trying to figure how to attach the boxes, and the proximity radar alarmed, DOS and SOT responded and ran to the cockpit.
Kitty yelled from the bathroom something Tumnus could not quite hear. "Slide the open edges into the slots on the side edges of the purple one," Suncat repeated for Kitty. Yoda was way too stoned to be any help, he had loaded another bowl and roasted it alone while they were solving the puzzle. After a few tries, Tumnus got the boxes to fit together, some clicks and gear noises came from the box and it extended claws into TT's hull, merging itself with the mechanimal. A dial appeared on the top of the box, as Suncat yelled from the window, "The eclipse is maximized!" Tumnus held his breath and turned the dial. Nothing happened. SOT Baa'd, pointing to the original box. It was aglow. "Ah ha! I remember now, it's the retinal scanner....we need Bill Clintons eyes to finish the process" said Tumnus. Suncat quickly put the flying mechanimal into manual mode, and raced back to the church, where they expected Bill Clinton would be. They raced off towards the East, into darkness as they left the setting sun behind them. Yoda looked outside his window as he exhaled the by products of two important elements... fire and weed. Yoda could tell from the shape of the coastline that they were flying over Hawaii. "Since the eclipse is going to last for 18 hours, I see no harm in making a little pit stop here on the big island...besides, Bill Clinton won't show up to the church until after midnight central time" said Suncat, as DOS landed Timmy atop a dormant volcano. They took in the sites for a few hours. Yoda combed the nearby forests for exotic forms of THC and mescaline, as Kitty drank a tropical drink straight out of the coconut. Then, suddenly, drums beats were heard. "It seems to be coming from inside the crater" said Tumnus. "Lets investigate," he said, motioning the others to come along.
...Inside the volcano...T-15 hours till end of eclipse...
The group stood on the edge of the crater, and propelled down into its depths. The floor stopped at about 300 feet down, but wait, SOT spotted a hole, a manhole to be exact, in the middle. Upon uncovering the manhole, they were hit with a quick surge of acrid vapors. Wearing special suits that Kitty found, they all made their way down the manhole.
About halfway down, it became light enough to see, and Suncat stopped just as the tunnel opened up into a vast cavity. Below, a lake of fire, and on it's shores, was none other than Vatorbutt (VB), by his side, Twiggy. They were performing some ritual, with two bodies that lay before them. "Kitty, give me your binoculars" said Suncat. What he saw was disturbing. It was Ricardo Montalban and Tattoo, or at least their bodies, and in on two platters close by were their heads, splattered with mayo. "They found the bodies...VB must have been monitoring our progress all along" said Suncat, with a "darn it" gesture with his fist. "What's the big deal," asked Tumnus, and too loud. It made VB look up, and he let out a crescendoing bellow. "Suncat and Tumnus! You will not mess things up for me THIS time!" said VB. Quickly, Twiggy handed VB his spell book, and placed the heads by their respective bodies. VB began to chant, as columns of molten rock began to raise periodically out of the magma pool, and soon there were vertical columns with the likeness of Bill Clinton. "BAAAAAA!" yelled SOT." as a loud noise was heard. Yoda had brought along the elemental squares, just in case, and gave them to SOT to hold, since he had more fingers. The red box had become so hot, SOT dropped it, and the whole contraption fell to the ground below, just inches from the magma. "The red box, it has become energized by the presence of fire" said Suncat. Just then, Ricardo and Tattoo sat erect, with fire in their eyes. "Get the boxes!" yelled VB, as the duo took off after the boxes. Suncat and Tumnus swooped down to intercept, and got them just in time. They threw them up to the rest of the group still on the ladder, and the boxes made their way up to Yoda, who levitated himself and the goods up to the opening. Joint in mouth, Yoda placed the boxes into TurboTimmy, which was now shaped like an old bomber from the US military. He fired up the engines, and waited for the rest of them to come. "Good, this will give me time to relax" said Yoda, who was out of ZigZags. "Damn!" always happens when you least expect it. Then, he spied a Bible, and used the blank pages in the back to roll up a biggun'.
...Back down in the chamber...
"NNNNNNNOOOOOO!" yelled VB, but it was too late, as SOT, DOS, Kitty, Suncat and Tumnus were leaving with haste. The demons from hell that were the magma figures were furious, being teased with the red box. They attacked VB, so promptly ran for the ladder, and luckily for him, made it outside. On the outside, VB watched as the crew took off for the mainland. Even though there was a total eclipse, there was still a moon showing. Hovering on the far side of earth like a spider in a dark corner just waiting to surprise you, was God. He suddenly appeared, illuminating the dark earth with His trademark glorious light made that much more surprising by the eclipse. Tumnus' ass was now clearly visible, and the Lord was... well, less than impressed. "Have you forgotten your quest?" He demanded. Tumnus panted himself and took a seat next to Suncat. "We were not working for ourselves, oh Lord, we were in thy service," started Suncat. "Surely the goings on that we interrupted are as offensive to thee as they are to us. It is the day of the Lord, and if you wish us to stop what we are doing, we will," Tumnus finished. God spoke again "Try to keep dressed, if you are in my service it doesn't reflect to well on me to have you dropping your shorts any chance you get." A thunderclap sounded, and the sky was dark again. "WHOA!" said Yoda, "you got busted."
"It seems that Suncat and Tumnus have a powerful ally," said Ricardo to VB. "Biddy Biddy Bop, Funky, Funky," chimed in Twiggy. "Tattoo," VB nodded and Tattoo threw the switch. A surge of millions of Amps flowed into Twiggy, calculated to be enough to transform him from an US3 jukebox to an instrument of evil intent. Twiggy tried to dance the worm as he sang, "Feel the beat drop, Jazz and Hip-Hop!" "It won't be long," said VB to Ricardo. "Dip, trip, flip fantasia!" yelled Twiggy. "MORE POWER!" yelled VB and Tattoo spun the dial to 10 of 10. Twiggy arched his back and smoke came from his crotch, where the leads were spliced into his circuitry. "Power down!" and Tattoo complied. Ricardo was holding his own crotch and wincing at the thought of what he just witnessed. VB approached Twiggy and asked, "Do you have anything to say?" Twiggy turned to face him and said nothing. "I think he's mute," said Ricardo. "THE PLANE! THE PLANE!" yelled Tattoo, pointing at the escaping TT.
"Transfering power to morph system," barked DOS. The plane touched down in Honolulu and morphed into a giant metal dingo, very discreet in Honolulu and they watched a United Airlines plane touch down, among its passenger manifest - none other than Bill Clinton. "His eyes really are beautiful," mused Kitty, drawing everyone's stares. He shook his head and asked Yoda what was in that bowl, to which Yoda just laughed. TT rose on his haunches to leap towards the plane and extract Bill Clinton.
Inside the plane...
"Welcome to Honolulu, I hope you enjoy your stay" said the Captain through the speakers. VB had told Bill that the volcano would be a perfect viewing place for the eclipse...and it will also last the longest at these coordinates. Just missing the trash lady, Bill stuffed his peanut wrapper in the pocket in from of him and poured out a half empty cup of Pepsi on the kid in front of him, who would not share his Skittles with Bill earlier in the flight. The door was opened, and they all filed into the airport, one by one.
Suncat decided to think before he acted for once, and after careful consideration, parked TT behind the terminal. "I have an idea" he said. Bill entered the airport, where many people were lining the walkway, bidding them welcome to Hawaii. Bill looked around anxiously for VB. "Where is he!" he said aloud, when suddenly, pretty native women surrounded him, and put a wreath of flowers around his neck. "Welcome to Miami, Bienvenidos a Miami!" sang one of them. Bill instantly knew something was awry, but by this point it was too late. The singing native girl quickly shoved a box with telescoping metal claws onto Bills face, while the other one held his head. Bill screamed, arms flailing wildly, blood running down his face. The women took off, and quickly exited through the walkway to the plane. "Hey, you can't go in...AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" said the attendent, as he was shot inadvertantly by security guards, trying to stop the "terrorists."
...Back in TT...
"That was fun" said Tumnus, wiping off his lipstick. "Indoubitably" replied Suncat, as he threw his wig out the window. "We have the eyeballs" said Suncat, holding the box up high. Everyone cheered, especially Yoda. "Now let's find a quiet place to activate the dimensional gateway" said Tumnus. "We only have 1 hour left." TT did a 180...and took off towards the beach. SOT liked the beach, and Tumnus has promised him that he would be able to make a sand castle while they were in Hawaii. "I can't go back on my word," said Tumnus.
Then, suddenly, before they could even get TT off the ground, they spied Muhammed Ali, punching the Beetles out in the parking lot. "You don't see that every day," mused Tumnus who then ignited the engines and TT was off like a prom dress: destination - Wakiki. The eclipse was at zenith as Suncat opened the box with the loose eyeballs. At first it didnt work, but he quickly realized it was because righty was where lefty needed to be. The central box sprung open, then all the others one by one. The objects inside shone like the sun itself, light poured out of TT's cockpit and the crew (except for Suncat) dove outside. Twiggy grasped Tumnus' arms behind his back as Ricardo and Tattoo got the drop on Yoda, Kitty, SOT, and DOS. VB approached from the beach with Bill staggering behind him, still clutching at his eye sockets. "You thought you would get away with beating me this time, eh Tumnus? Well, it looks like you were wrong. Now I can make up for all the times that you ruined my plans. The time i was the Mormel, the time you shoved Fat Chinese in my catacombs, I could go on and on, but bringing up the past only makes me angry, and this is a happy time." Suncat was gathering DOS leash (a responsible owner never walks a dog on the beach without one) when he spied all this. With DOS' leash, he grabbed TT's remote, a microphone, and a bag of skittles. He exited TT from the side and hid amongst the palms.
VB kept droning on and on, and soon Suncat's patience was wearing thin. "Now all that remains is for me to gather my prize," concluded VB, "where is it?" Tumnus saw Suncat in the trees pointing to TT, still shining light towards the eclipse. "It's in the mechanimal." "My, you're a gracious loser, I almost expected you to try to resist, but at least you're smart enough to concede when you can't win." VB dispatched Twiggy to climb into TT and retrieve the box. Tumnus stretched out his now free arms, prompting VB to wave his finger and say "Uh-Uh!" As soon as Twiggy got in the door slammed shut and Twiggy's frightened face appeared with Tumnus' good Sunday suit behind him. TT's engines started and as it lifted off Tattoo shouted "The plane, the plane!" This distracted VB and his minions long enough for them to run into the palm forest and regroup. Suncat programmed Twiggy's voice into the microphone and announced from TT "I will control the world, the logs are mine. VB you shall pay!" Ricardo and Tattoo jumped in a hollow log canoe and paddled towards Fantasy Island as VB began fuming. The eclipse was almost at apogee, Tumnus mentally calculated as Suncat rolled TT on it's side over the ocean and dumped Twiggy out. Suncat then flew it to a safe clearing and threw the skittles onto the beach, distracting Bill who ran towards their inviting scent. "30 seconds before apogee, plenty of time," Suncat yelled to Tumnus. VB howled "SUNCAT!" and pounded his fists into the sand. The light shining out of TT was more intense than a magnesium fire, but remarkably, generating no heat. Suddenly, Pope John Paul the first rose out of his sandy grave, nothing but a skeleton clad in seaweed and barnacles. "Must....have...flesh..." he mumbled, stumbling towards VB. VB ran away down the beach, crying like a lost schoolgirl...the Pope chasing him all the way. "Well, that came at quite an opportune time" said Tumnus, who quickly gathered up the rest of the crew, and ran for TT. "Hurry, 10 seconds" said Suncat. DOS ran the fastest, and made it in. SOT was on his rocket propelled bodyboard, modified to glide upon the sand, and made it it an T-3 seconds. Tumnus jumped in, and extended a hand to Kitty, who was just reaching up, when out of nowhere, a poison dart flew through the air, hit his head, and made him fall. Just kidding, Kitty was playing charades....he always likes to keep everybody guessing till the last second. T-1, Kitty makes it into TT...all the while the light growing brighter. Apogee came, and the boxes were now at full power. Five little beams of light shot upwards, meeting up in the air, and merged into one large beam of white light. It became wider and wider, and a silvery door appeared, hanging in midair. Kitty was just about to note how it looked like the door was being held up by thin wires, but then the unthinkable happened. Rod Serling waltzed out on a middair platform, and invited everyone to come with him, into the Twilight Zone. Suncat was now a born again believer in the "Zone", as a tear rolled down his face. Tumnus just shook his head up and down, smiling. They all entered the doorway, leaving Clinton searching aimlessly for more skittles for all eternity. VB, well, luckily for him he found his transdimensional nexus and made it back home, where he would plot an evil plan against the world.
...In the Twilight Zone... Rod Serling sat them all in a movie theater, a special theater which showed them visions of the future. "This...is the antiuniverse" 7 days from now, after you fail. All mankind has perished, and it is your fault." "I don't believe it, we have the Lord on our side. Show us proof!" said Suncat in a fury. Rod began to laugh uncontrollably, and began breakdancing on the stage. "Should we take him?" whispered Tumnus to Suncat. Before they could do anyting, a scream was heard as giant sandbags fell from the ceiling, crushing Rod. Suncat looked up to see Yoda on the catwalk with a knife, he had cut the ropes. "He was evil" said Yoda. Then, from a special side panel, came out an old man, and he had some words of wisdom to share. "What you saw was not a man...it was the devil himself!" Then, he turned into a dove and flew away. Rod, being the devil, was not killed. "Hahahah, you have entered my realm now, a realm of madness and hate, of evil and cake. The boxes were instruments of evil, you are in HELL!" said Rod. Kitty pointed, and said "Look!"...it was Bill Clinton, now a morphed rendition of a Bill Clinton / Evil Demon mix. "Bill is Satans right hand man" said Suncat. The twirling logs coalesced and stopped emmiting light around 10pm. Darkness fell in the the land of darkness and the crew set up camp and played some Gin. Before they knew it, time had slipped away and it was 1AM. "Let's get some sleep," Suncat said, "tomorrow shouldn't present too much of a problem, 'Honor they father and mother'. It looks like we won't have to deal with that much temptation so we can focus on getting out of here." Everyone said their goodnights and sauntered off to bed, disappointed to be in hell, but glad to be alive.