"How I Could Just Kill A Man (But I Can't. Yoda, do it yo!)"

"Hey, let's feed the ducks at the zoo Crisco® balls mixed with rice!" said Suncat. SOT let out a baaa indicating he would bring the potatoes, while Tumnus and Yoda took off to the store to buy Ramen noodles and pickles, and some food for VB. "We can't let him die. Today, we shall kill nothing" said Tumnus. VB listened to their plans carefully from his portable prison cell, being towed on a chain by TT. Although imprisoned, he would not be without proper sustenance. VB sat up and poured himself a big bowl of OOPS! All Berries® cereal. He then added a can of sweetened condensed milk and stirred it with a large wooden spoon. Lastly, with the motion of a long practiced hand, he dumped about a cup of sugar and drizzled molasses over the concoction. The cereal had the viscosity of warm tar and was just right. They were getting way too close to his secret...that of the underwater netherworld, where the dark lord "Gar" lived. VB shot Silken Thomas (ST) a quick glance, as he lifted his spoon, and ST nodded. ST must get the ring for VB. Little did VB know, someone else was also looking for the ring.

The cage came to a dead halt as TT stopped on a dime, causing VB's spoon to fly out of his hand and his cereal to spill on his head. "Damn you!" he said aloud. The crew entered the zoo, seemingly unnoticed though they brought in an inconspicuous computer monitor box full of food. "Dammit, someone is there on the dock" said Tumnus, pointing to Ram Dass and his friend Tank Abbot. They were feeding the ducks popcorn, and arguing amongst themselves as to who the "big one" would belong too once they caught it. "There they are" said Tank. Ram sat down sitsang style, lit some incense and chanted a mantra to prepare his consciousness for the impending battle, as Tank popped his knuckles with a snarl.

Earlier, Ram Dass and Tank Abbott finished their daily ritual of playing Atari's Indiana Jones game. As usual, Tank won, and Ram was mad. "Next time you big oaf, I will win!" They butted chests perfectly enough to make Fine Young Cannibals proud and walked into the hall where they met up with a figure cloaked in black. "You must go to the zoo...they are coming" the figure said through hissing teeth. "Go on the dock and wait, and when they come, kill them and take the ring! Then, bring it back to me, here"

The group decided to sit down on a park bench until Ram and Tank left. "Hey Tumnus, where did you get that ring?" asked ST. "It came to me not long ago. I was cleaning out my sink with liquid plumr pipe snake. Low and behold, it came out of the sink, on a pillar of foam. I cleaned it off with The Works all purpose cleaner, which made it glow green. I think it has some strange power" said Tumnus. Kitty noticed ST had not taken his eyes off Tumnus' ring, and was about to tell Tumnus, when suddenly show tunes were heard. They grew increasingly louder until the sound was to the point that even ST's concentration on the ring was broken. The ring around Tumnus' neck began to get hot and the hot metal was irritating Tumnus' skin. A low rider pulled into the zoo, blaring show tunes and the driver killed the ignition. The sound of piano and Charleston-esque tinny voices were painfully clear. The Tahoe morphed into the Mole Mobile and dug into the ground to get away from the songs. When the song finished, the driver opened the door. ST drew his sword and charged Tumnus, preparing to take the ring by force, but Yoda was too fast. His light-saber was out and intercepted ST en route. Yoda had ST pinned and weaponless in a few parries and thrusts, "You had to out vote me, didn't you? Well now you see why I was against this." He drew his sword to executioner's height and brought it down, but instead of beheading ST, he cut the right sleeve from his garment, revealing the sign of the worm. VB cringed as his plan unraveled. Kitty put ST in the cage with VB as Suncat and the others' focus returned to the low rider.

Tumnus swayed from side to side and fell to his knees, "I don't feel so..." he said as he fell to all fours and then lowered himself to the ground. "God... help me..." The driver of the low rider got out, black cloak fluttering in the breeze. Ram and Tank seized their chance and tried a bum-rush. Yoda, Kitty, and DOS held them at bay while SOT ran off towards Main street. Suncat loaded Tumnus into the marsupial pouch of the MM and activated life support systems. Suncat got into the control console of the temporal drive and worked to wire it to the transdimensional nexus projector and radar detectors. He programmed a phase modulating algorithm into the radar detector, reversed its wiring from detector to transmitter, and spliced it into the transdimensional projector. He installed this into MM, facing rearward and spliced the temporal drive into the system. "Man, I hope I didn't forget anything," he said, obviously distracted by Tumnus' condition. Looking outside, he saw Tank meet his end of endurance and run off, but Ram was made of sterner stuff and looked to have the better of Kitty and DOS. Suddenly, more tinny sound was heard, but this time of nursery rhymes. Pop goes the weasel to be precise. The attention of the low rider driver was drawn to the park entrance where SOT was truly hauling ass towards his low rider in an ice cream truck. There was no time to get in the car and drive off, SOT was bearing down at well over 70 mph and only 100 feet or so from the parking space. The driver dove away from the car as SOT t-boned it in a glorious collision, one to make even Tumnus proud, thought Suncat. The show tunes stopped, thankfully, and the pouch life-support systems alarmed. Tumnus was coming back. "What was it with showtunes and that ring?" Suncat asked. Kitty sang "Clementine" and Tumnus' condition briefly worsened. "That ring draws the life out of Tumnus when show tunes are played," he started as he was interrupted by Suncat, "that is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard, interrupted him I wouldn't believe you if I hadn't seen it myself. Everyone, to the MM!"

The group all ran and got in, and Suncat fired the new system up. An unstable temporal/ trans-dimensional portal opened up and the MM entered as Suncat watched the black-clad low rider driver, who took the bait and ran to dive into the portal. He flipped the switch and jammed the nexus. The time confinement and dimensional polarity was scrambled and the mysterious black-clad person vanished into another time and dimension. Tumnus was brought out into the MM operating table and Suncat and Kitty prepared to try to remove the ring, which had somehow grown tentacles that disappeared into Tumnus' chest. "Any ideas?" Suncat asked. "Oh, I was afraid of this" said Yoda, chewing on his candy cane. "What was that?!" asked Suncat, as his eyes shifted back to a Tumnus in shock. "A parasitic mini-hydra" said Yoda. Kittywampus began to laugh uncontrollably, and fell to the ground in mirth. "Well get it out of me!" said Tumnus, who could see the creature moving around underneath the skin of his belly. Tumnus had an uncontrollable urge to go jump in the pond, but did not know why. "There is only one way to get it out... we must go back to the zoo, and coax it out" said Yoda. "How do we do that, offer it food?" asked ST from his cage, as DOS manned MM back through the nexus and to the zoo parking lot. "Silence worm!" said Yoda, who took a few steps towards the cage, raising a threatening light saber. It scared ST so bad, that he degenerated into a pile of earthworms, but with teeth. They quickly dropped out of the cage, and crawled lightning fast to the shore of the lake, and burrowed deep into a pile of duck shit.

Yoda proceeded to tell how all this came about. "Ages ago, a young Popeye Patterson used to feed the fish that dwelled in his sewerduck pond. Over the years, it grew, and grew, and became intelligent. So much so that Popeye and his fish, whom he called "The Biggun", would actually hold conversations, and shoot the shit when business was slow. Well, after eating nothing but cookies and tater tots, the "Biggun" was in need of some wholesome food, like white bread. He betrayed his master, one day devouring him, and then, it waited. The next warm season waited until the flooding rains came, and hopped out of it's pool, to the next puddle, and the next. Eventually it made it to the Great Bend Zoo, where he would take up residence. The Biggun feasted upon small ducks and what the humans would throw it, which included a hearty supply of white bread and dog food. As chance would have it, one day, two humans thought it would be funny to mix a few gallons of Liquid Plumr and The Works cleaner together, and pour it into the lake, in order to kill all the fish. All died, except one... the Biggun. He had become immune to household poisons over the years, since Popeye's lake also doubled as a landfill where he would dump oil pans, cleaning solutions, and human waste. From that moment on, he had a lust for Chlorine. It increased his powers, and if he could have just a little more, he would become immortal. All he needed was the Chlorine, and a little gold and some silver to mix with the other residual components in his stomach to complete the reaction. As chance would have it, high school students who were in love would also go to the zoo at night, make love on the dock, and dip their promise rings into the water. It was dubbed "Lovers Pool", and all who were lovers of the serious type would make sacred promises to each other there. If a fish happened to nibble on your ring, you would be blessed. This rarely happened, as there were none who were brave enough to keep the ring in long enough.

One night Mrs. Dragoo and Joe Conner went there. Holding their rings, Mrs. Dragoo dipped them into the pool...and felt something. It was Joe feeling her up, and in her lustful ecstasy she forgot her hand was in the pool. The Biggun seized the moment, and bit off her arm at the elbow. Blood poured into the water, along with the silver ring. The golden ring was lost in the shuffle, hidden between two boards on the dock. The duo ran off screaming, never to be seen again. Within seconds, the Biggun burst into the air, wearing a crown, proclaiming that he was now king and ruler of the zoo. Out of his mouth he spit a mutant mini hydra, which he named Zippy. Zippy became jealous of the Biggun, and had plans of his own to rule the world. If he could find and ingest the gold ring first, then all he would have to do is eat the Biggun, and then he would complete the reaction, which would turn him into a towering 500-foot hydra, which could only be killed by a column of mayonnaise. For weeks Zippy obeyed the Biggun, gathering food for him and offering dead animals. But Zippy knew where the golden ring was...and one day, when he had learned enough magic, he went to the ring, which was wedged between the boards too hard for him to remove, and merged with it. Someday, someone would find it, and he would then exit the ring, enter the unfortunate person, and use the body as a means to catch and eat the Biggun. Well my friends, that day came when Tumnus found the ring. Now, Zippy is inside of Tumnus, hooked up with a makeshift umbilical cord, feeding, and commanding and controlling Tumnus from within. We must destroy the Biggun, along with Zippy, and then take the corpses and rings and throw them into a sodium nexus, which will turn them all into salt"

"So how do we get it out of Tumnus?" asked Suncat. "Must go to the pond, must catch the Biggun!" screamed Tumnus, as he suddenly lept up with the strength of many men, and ran straight for the lake. He began profusely throwing Crisco® balls in, until the water was so full of activity, it was like a boil. The carp beneath the surface realized too late what had happened. Their stomachs were distending and the pain was immense. Soon the shores were covered with dead and dying carp as they beached themselves to speed up their demise. Beneath the surface Biggun waited. Suncat tossed a package of Tumnus' favorite toilet paper to him so he could clean his hands after handling all the grease balls. While Tumnus was cleaning, Suncat nonchalantly walked over and connected power leads to the ring around Tumnus' neck. He nodded and Yoda flipped the switch. Zippy was plugged straight into the ground circuitry of the nexus drive and was transported to the center of the sun where he disintegrated as he was consumed in Sol's nuclear reaction. Tumnus collapsed to the ground, but after a thorough investigation, Kitty pronounced him fit as a fiddle. "Where is the...?" asked Tumnus. "Zippy? Oh it's dead," replied Suncat. "But we are not supposed to kill," he whispered. "Yoda threw the switch." "Oh, good." then Tumnus passed out. Suncat took the ring from around Tumnus' neck and lightning struck them from a time-space portal opening in the sky, sending them flying apart and Suncat dropped the ring. From the portal emerged the black-clad low rider driver. He landed on the ground near an unconscious Tumnus and tore off his cape and mask, revealing head of an alligator gar, native to Kansas. Suncat looked around; the ring lay at his feet and he stooped and picked it up. When he got back up, the Gar was holding Tumnus up by his ankles. "You have something I want and I have something that you want. I propose we make a trade," he said to Suncat.

VB was holding his breath, the ring was the key to the entire underwater netherworld, whoever owned it would rule the lands. Suncat twisted his watch nervously, which drew SOT's attention - Suncat never wore a watch. Around Gar and Tumnus, a stasis chamber formed, slowing any motion that could take place down to 10^-6 time. SOT ran to the chamber and entered the re-definition fields, separating Tumnus and Gar, but unfortunately, also separating Gar from his hands. "Very nice SOT, take Tumnus to MM's life support chamber and I'll take down the field. VB watched in awe as Suncat flipped a half dollar in the air and shot it with a 45, putting a nice sized hole in the center. He then switched the ring with the half dollar and deactivated the stasis field. "Catch, Jenny dot gif," he said as he tossed the fake. Gar bit and tried to catch it with his stumps. He finally picked it up and noticed it was no good, he had no fingers to wear it on, and even if he did, it was a half dollar. "You will pay!" he hissed, but DOS was standing behind him and donkey-kicked him into the pond. Biggun made his move and devoured Gar. The water of the pond turned red from the blood. Suncat and crew got into MM and Suncat slipped the ring into the reactor. Suddenly, MM limped to the side like his leg was broken, twitchin' and shakin' kinda like he was smokin'. All crazy wack funky, people say you look like MC Hammer on crack, he was doing the Humpty Dance. Kitty knew immediately because he liked to rhyme, he liked his beats funky, he was spunky, he liked his oatmeal lumpy. He was sick with this, straight gangsta mack, and once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Biggun and VB stared in amazement as the MM got down and yelled "In a 69, my Humpty nose will tickle your rear!" "Oh God, NO!" yelled VB, appalled at what had just happened, the underwater netherworld was sealed off by the rings destruction, and it was totally destroyed as MM converted it to pure energy with not even a single electron left of its mass. The MM's nose got big, no it wasn't ashamed, big like a pickle, it was still getting' paid. Biggun got scared, it's powers were useless in the presence of Hip Hop and everyone could hear a little of that bass groove, and MM was getting' down as he appeared to be in pain. He was doin' the Hump.

Tumnus' condition was improving, for a short time his pulse was in sync with the bass grove and when MM sang, "Samoans, do the Humpty Hump," Tumnus came out of his coma. "Ah yeah, break it down," Suncat said, "Peace and Humptiness forever," concluded SOT through a series of easily interpreted Baas. Suncat steered MM towards Biggun and said through the loudspeaker, "Alright, stop what you're doin', cause I'm about to ruin the Image and the style that you're used to." Kitty took the mic, "I look funny, but yo I'm makin' money see, so yo world I hope you're ready for me, so gather round, I'm the new fool in town and my sound's laid down by the underground." "What in the hell got into you?" Suncat asked, not expecting an answer. He switched his attentions back to Biggun, who was so obviously shaken; he was stumbling backwards toward the pond.

Out of nowhere the ghost of Popeye appeared, on a ghost ship, cruising the lake. "There you are! I have come for you, biggun!" said Popeye. A fisherman's spear whistled through the air, and the biggun dodged it just in time. The biggun then pulled out his spell book, and mixed 3 fisherman's friends with a box of fish sticks. In an instant he had summoned a hurricane, small enough to fit in the pond but very potent. It fed off the warm bloody waters and was called Herman. "Herman, whom do you serve!" said biggun. "I serve Biggun!" said Hurricane Herman. It was stronger than biggun figured, the pressure was so low in the center that the entire lake, was being sucked in and shot upward. In no time at all Popeye was beached, perched precariously on a ledge that separated the mainland from the ever deepening hole. Herman sank slowly downward as the water level dropped. Soon all that was visible was the pillar of water and blood being drawn up through his eye, which was stronger than ever. "Well, he should weaken as soon as it runs out of water" said Tumnus to Kitty. Kitty then spun around, and said "Yo, it'll have no water, I've got no daughter, when I bench press I need a spotter, I ... Ouch!" Kitty's rambling was cut short by the extended hand of VB, which reaching through his cage. SOT rolled over VB's cage quickly... he had just gotten a new pair of skates, the kind with metal wheels, but sharpened. SOT entered VB's cage, picked him up and threw him out onto the parking lot. He then skated over him many times until VB's back was all sliced up. Suncat slapped VB around a bit then tied him to the outside of the cage. Kitty went over, lifted a hind leg and let out a toot, Suncat was there to quickly light it and it singed VB's face leaving it black as the ace of spades. VB began to cry, and asked them all, "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?

Kitty: "Cause my fifteen-year-old cousin has less ac-ne"

VB: "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" Tumnus: "Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983"

VB: "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" Suncat: "Cause you're white but got a nose like Bill-Cosby"

VB: "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" DOS: "Cause you've got the grooming habits of a chim-pan-zee"

VB: "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" Yoda: "Cause you run like a girl and you sit down to pee"

VB: "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?" Popeye: "Cause nobody likes ya monkey boy!"

Every laughed heartily, except Tumnus, who had gone over to the ledge to see what was going on with the Hurricane. The ground began to shake, and Suncat ran over by Tumnus. "What is happening?" said Suncat. The column of water and blood had now turned to pure blood, and within it were now bones of every creature imaginable, the bones of the Biggun's victims over the ages. "The hurricane has got a hold of something it doesn't like" said Tumnus. "Run!." DOS revved up MM, and they all took off as quickly as they could. Below the ground, Herman has gone all the way down to hell. The intense heat and humidity gave Herman unprecedented power. It all made sense now, the lake was not really a lake, but a direct doorway to hell. The area began to disintegrate around the hole, and Popeye fell in. As he fell, he yelled, "The Biggun is the devil!" As this revelation was made to them, Tumnus' pager went off, signaling the e-bay auction was closed and that it was midnight. He ran to Kitty's laptop and looked, "DAMN!" he yelled. "What is the matter?" asked Yoda. "That bastard muffdvr69 outbid me on the gas card. I bid 95 cents a gallon and it closed at 95.25 cents for the 250-gallon card. I was going to use that gas to drive through all of the states I have yet to visit in the US. It also means we can kill again." "YAY!" the crew cheered, it was a new day indeed, a day that would make up for the previous days violence with a vengence, a Tumnusized vengence.