Praecepta Decalogi
(The Ten Commandments)
Thou shalt not commit adultery:
The Tale of the Rally Monkey
and his Korean Coin
Tudor looked out the window and saw the snow twisting around the light posts
far below his room in McCullom Hall. It was not quite 11:50 yet and the Dow
was down just shy of 150 points for the day. "It's time," he thought to
himself as he dressed in his gorilla suit. CNBC coverage returned just as
he zipped the back and turned to face the TV. He hit play on Winamp and his
karaoke modified mp3 started to play the intro to Brass Monkey by Beastie
Boys. "Rally Monkey, you funky Monkey" he screamed at the TV. Ron Insana
was predicting a midday rally on Power Lunch, and Tudor agreed from within
his gorilla suit, "Fuckin' A there will be a closing rally, I'm up in this
bitch, and I AM the Rally Monkey!" The storm intensified with Tudor's fury
as the rally never materialized. When the bell sounded and the Dow closed
down 179 as the last trades trickled in, Tudor ran to the window and saw
that at least 3 feet of new snow was on the ground, and that meant only one
thing - it was time to play! He reached for the zipper, but it was gone.
He ran to his mirror, his fears mounting, dare he wish it? Indeed the suit
had become part of his body. Tudor couldn't believe it, he was so lucky,
his greatest wish materialized - he was permanently the Rally Monkey. His
quest would start now, he would go to Wall Street and save the U.S. from
falling markets. He would rally them from within.
The crew woke up and saw that the time was already afternoon. "Anything
good on eBay?" Suncat asked. "Nah, just the same crap from yesterday,"
replied Kitty, "but here is something, on Fox News, ahhhh!" Tumnus had
dumped Kitty out of the chair by leaning it forward and took over the
internet connection as Fox News was his favorite channel and all be danmed
if Kitty would read it first. "A monkey is terrorizing the NYSE," he said,
"let's go!" "Hmmm, adultery is the word of the day, I don't see the
exchange being too risky," said Suncat, "let's go." Tumnus pre-heated the
engines and they lifted off, destination Wall Street. VB was using the
porta-potty and was left behind. He sniffled and started walked towards the
catacombs, he would be out of action for the rest of day.
"Ahhhh! Here he comes again!" It was total Mayhem within the NYSE... the
rally monkey had locked everyone inside... demanding to know why a rally
had not materialized. Now, he was letting out his fury the only way he knew
how, he was spanking himself. Not only was he spanking himself, but any
married lady he could find. Once in his grasp, no woman could resist the
rally monkey. "I want to know who is responsible for the non-rally, or
you will all lose your wives to me, the Rally Monkey (RM)," he said. To prove
he meant what he said, he found an unsuspecting victim directly under the
big board. Once their eyes locked, it was over. She quickly ran up to the RM,
strew herself over his lap, and the spanking began. "Now you
see, this will happen to every woman in here until I say," he said with a
glance around. Everyone else looked around also, there were no more women
in the building. RM paused, this could be a
problem, he had to come up with a new plan. He cleared his throat, and
after a 10 second pause, "Wait, I changed my mind. I want to see a magic
show". With that said, the curtains opened up across the way, where 3
beavers in top hats waltzed out onto the stage, met by a thunderous
applause. They began to sing, in unison, the Alvin and the Chipmunks theme
song, with Elton John (EJ) and Spock as backup vocalists. Just as the song
finished, RM clapped his hands together, in a very slow and intentional way.
A hush fell over the crowd, as their heads all turned toward him, they all
were curious and frightened about what might happen next.
RM used a brainwashing ray on Spock and EJ, rendering them his slaves. "Kill
the beavers!" It was done. With his murderous minions, RM swore to all the
hostage stockbrokers that the floor would re-open and stay open until a
closing rally took place. "This is madness!" screamed Richard Grasso, the
chair of the NYSE. RM spun on his heels as Spock held Grasso in a
sleeperhold. "Is it?" demanded RM, "if you are not with me, you are against
me, and perhaps the exchange would be in better hands if someone else held
the reigns." All watched in horror as RM resurrected Richard Whitney, acting
CEO from Oct 24, 1929 - Black Thursday. Whitney was never able to redeem
himself, now was his chance. Looking ghastly, he re-opened the market by
shoving the gavel up Grasso's ass and swinging him by the head onto the bar
to signal the opening. RM watched with pride.
"Hey baby," the hooker said to Tumnus. "Um, I've got a girlfriend," said
Tumnus as he called Suncat. "That's ok, I'm married," she replied. "NOOOO!"
Suncat yelled as he shot her dead. "No adultery!" he reminded Tumnus
sternly. "Dude, don't worry, I wasn't even interested." "Oh," Suncat
replied, "carry on then." "Enough of this madness... we have work to do,"
said Saruman from Lord of the Rings, flying by on a giant broom. Suncat
reached up and yanked him down by his beard, wait... it was only a robotic
miniature. DOS laughed heartily, as Tumnus went door to door, claiming to
be from Brownie troop #177, selling cookies and such. One house in
particular, gave DOS the chills. Tumnus knocked, and Tudor's grandparents
opened the door. They were dressed as monkeys. "Come in" they chirped,
offering Tumnus a banana. In the living room, a holographic rendition of
the Ralley Monkey was projected in full-color, lifelike detail - more than the Franklin
Mint could ever dream of. "hahaha! We will turn you into a Rally Monkey as well"
screamed Tudors grandfather (TGf) as bars came down around Tumnus. DOS
ran off to alert Suncat. Tumnus looked around, only to see he was totally
surrounded by TV's, all locked on MSNBC.
TGf busted out a box of board games and demanded his wife choose her fate.
She chose Candyland and next thing you know, she changed her mind to Chutes
and Ladders. "Hahahaha woman!" TGf laughed, "You are doomed! I am a level
10 ladder monkey" Tumnus stared in disbelief. Outside the window, a light
caught his eye as Suncat used a mirror to flash morse code to Tumnus.
Suncat was sneaking up to the door and accidentally stepped on, then kicked a
tambourine, creating a catastrophic amount of noise and alerting Tudor's
grandparents of an intruder. "Crap," said Suncat who was out in the open
and there was no cover to be had. He would have to think fast. Two senior
citizens clad in monkey suits appeared at the door. Tumnus had managed to
flip the switch and release himself from the bars and quietly made his way
to the back of the house, where he stumbled into a room full of chalkboards bearing
the incomplete sentence "Rally Monkey will save the" thousands of
times. Tumnus could not stand bad composition, so he erased all the
chalkboards. Just then, he heard the front door shut and Suncat was falling
into the trap that he had just escaped. He grabbed what he could and ran.
As he rounded the corner, he threw a pair of erasers to Suncat, who
understood immediately. They pounded the erasers together until the entire
household was awash in white airborne chalkdust, and the now-white monkey
suited grandparents staggered around coughing and waving their arms. TGf
accidentally deployed the cage, which when falling down, knocked the
cell-phone out of a kangaroo-pouch pocket of his suit. "That was wierd,"
said Tumnus. "I know, monkeys aren't marsupials, they have no pouches,"
replied Suncat. "That wasn't what I was talking about," he said as he
picked up the phone. "Look - Tudor's number is in here. That could be
handy." Suncat nodded. They ran to TT and the crew blasted off toward the
NYSE, now in its 15th hour of trading in the same day.
"It's down 300 points," said Kitty, "apparently this rally has yet to
materialize. A lot of people are short selling." Tumnus made a ethically
questionable decision and said, "Kitty, transfer our money out of the
market. I don't see it as insider trading because we don't know any inside
info about the companies, we just know that the chaos we will cause will
probably drag all the stocks lower." Suncat nodded, it was not technically
insider trading. "Transfer complete, that transaction dropped the DOW 5
points on its own. When do you want
back in?" Tumnus thought for a minute as he landed TT atop Madison Square
Gardens. Suncat pushed the button to make TT howl and MSNBC showed RM looking
around as if trying to see where the howl came from. "Good, it's a live feed.
Let's go." Tumnus then decided,
"Kitty, buy back in when i page you. You have TT in case we need emergency
extraction. Everyone else, you're with me." Suncat had never seen Tumnus
take control of a situation like this, but he was on a roll. They got to
the NYSE and entered the same way they had 4 days earlier. RM had done some
interesting things with the NYSE in his short time as self-appointed ruler.
The walls had been redone in a roman coliseum theme with cats impaled on
hooks. Cousin It watched from a portal from his holding cell as RM's
minions Grizzly Adams and sidekick grinned at the trading below. Without
warning, SOT darted into the exchange and ripped Grizzly's sidekick's head
off. As SOT fled, flames rolled out of the neck and the devil himself
appeared. Devil Minions (DMs) rose up cheering as their master appeared.
RM watched with uneasiness as the devil spit out a coin onto the floor. It
was a Korean coin, much coveted indeed, and RM ran for it. Quick thinking, SOT
opened a portal by pushing a stone in the wall. Cousin It was nothing but a
painting, and upon activation, became a rift in space time.
...52 years ago...
"It is time" said the North Korean General, Mr. Staplebutt to his troops
through a megaphone. An army of 500,000 strong began marching South to take
over South Korea, while the South Koreans marched North to meet them. They
stopped along the border, which was easy to spot as it was a line in the
dirt. "Our coin has been stolen" yelled the northerners to the southerners.
"You mean OUR coin has been stolen" answered Mr. Foofoo Wang, the S. Korean
general. "Regardless, it is gone. The two decided to join forces, and
become a single Korean army...one in search of the coin.
The Korean rally commenced at 4 o'clock sharp. Among a sea of soldiers,
was a single Funnel Cake stand. "Get your funnel cakes here" yelled out
Kittywampus, dressed as a Korean. Kitty had no idea the Koreans of old
liked Funnel cakes so much, he wished he could stay there and make a
business out of it, but alas, knew that it would not come to be. "Suncat,
Tumnus, come in please" said Kitty through his walkie-talkie, hidden within
a vat of funnel cake mix.
...In Tokyo...
"General, your picture will be taken in 5 minutes, meet in the Ballroom"
said the photographer. "Thanks Jim" replied General Almond. War was upon
them, and they knew there would be casualties...the Koreans were just too
many. The General pointed to his map. "As you can see, the...." he
stopped. "What was that noise?" questioned Lt. General Shepherd. It was
coming from the closet. "Go over and take a look" said Almond. The Lt.
went over, and quickly opened the door. A rat raced out and hit under the
desk, startling the junior General. "Huh, it was just ......AHHHHHHHH!"
he screamed as, two men from the future rushed him, stabbing him in the
throat with his own knife. It was Suncat, and he was smiling. "Indeed,
what a sunny day!" he said to Almond. Gen. Almond reached to pull out his
knife, but he was too late, Tumnus elbowed him in the temple, killing him.
"I really don't like killing, but
this is serious stuff, Koreanly serious"
said Tumnus. Suncat agreed, as they took off the duo's clothes. "What
shitty material" commented Tumnus. Then, a call on the phone, Suncat
answered. "Were ready in the Ballroom" said the voice. Tumnus and Suncat
went into the hall,asking for directions, and finally made it to their
destination. "I hope this is quick" commented Suncat. The picture was
taken. After helping put away some of the risers, they were allowed to
leave. "Ok, now where?" asked Tumnus. Suncat's walkie-talkie went off, it
was Kitty.
"The Southern General, is none other than the devil himself!" "What?" asked
Suncat. "Just a joke, Kitty here, keeping it real." Tumnus rolled his eyes,
Kitty's R&B skillz were not the phat. "Anyhoo, the Koreans have joined
forces and are marching on Tokyo." "So they took the bait?" asked Tumnus.
"Roger. Crap hold on! Icky Icky pang pang! Own-gah! I just sold another
funnel cake, this is quite lucrative," Kitty informed them. "Kitty out!"
"Well, they will be here soon, Dude, did you see that move with my elbow?"
asked Tumnus as he menaced Suncat with a raised arm. "Yes, get that, put
that arm down! I'm serious!" Suncat pulled a stick of a nearby gingko tree
and threatened to beat Tumnus like he wanted to beat DOS, and Tumnus brought
his arm down, then brought it up again briefly just to scare him. "Let's
go," Tumnus said. "Asshole," replied Suncat.
Suddenly a hot Japanese woman walked by and smiled at Tumnus. "Mmmmmmm, I'm
feeling a bit of the Asian persuasion," said Tumnus leaning back to check
her out as she walked away. Suncat slapped him on the back of the head,
"Didn't you see the wedding ring?" "No, and I'm not seeing it now." Suncat
shook him and said, "Probably because it's not attached to her ass, snap out
of it!" Tumnus returned to normal and the woman was denied her affair.
"Let's get out of here," Suncat pointed to the approaching unified army and
showed them a old British penny "Look!" Staplebutt yelled. The heat was on,
all the soldiers ran and followed Suncat and Tumnus back into the space-time
rift and all of them emerged inside the NYSE, a tight fit, but luckily
Korean genetics had made some pretty small soldiers, but it was a packed
house just the same. RM looked up as the Koreans saw the real coin and a
heavy battle ensued, along with near total mayhem in a light rampage sauce.
When all was said and done, the time was 11:15pm and the only survivors were
RM, Staplebutt, and Spock, who faced off from different sides of the NYSE
with the coin between them all. The Cousin It painting sprung to life and
he merged with Spock to become Mills Lane. "Let's get it on!" he yelled and
the battle royale reconvened. Just when it looked like RM was getting the
upper hand, Suncat said, "OH!" and pulled the cell phone out, speed-dialing
Tudor's number. RM was distracted as the phone rang and Staplebutt morphed
into a boa constrictor and coiled around him, crushing his bones.
Staplebutt had the momentum, but RM would not go out in a blaze of glory.
"Kitty, buy back in!" Tumnus yelled into the walkie-talkie. Rock bottom it
was and as the boa morphed back into Staplebutt, stocks began to rally. "11:50PM,
we are almost done!" yelled Tumnus. "BAH!" screamed SOT in a
look-out-slash-not-just-yet fashion, pointing to the sky with a clenched
fist. The roof opened up, and in dropped 55 naked Korean paratroopers, all
women, and all double D.
The rest of the evening would convene in slow motion. 
Tumnus dropped his
walkie-talkie, as the Devil made a large
hot tub for 56 appear in the middle of the trading floor. Tumnus stripped
and dove in, as did a few Korean Kuties. Suncat could only watch in horror,
as the devil began to laugh...in catastrophic fashion, it appeared that all
they have worked for over the past 6 days would come to an end, and the
universe would not be restored to normal. RM, lying on the floor was still
close enough to Staplebutt to take his feet out from under him with a swift
whip of his monkey tail, causing the General to hit his head on the hard
granite floor, knocking him unconscious. RM rolled over and finished him
off with a stranglehold. The Devils minions began to squeal, as if they
could sense something was wrong. They rushed over to alert their master,
but he was engaged in a massive temptation spell. Soon, it became apparent
what the minions were squealing about. RM began to speak in horror. "What
is happening to me!" he said, looking over his hands, which were not only
taking the shape of a lobster, but vanishing as well. Soon, SOT, who had
vanished as soon as the roof came off, appeared through the portal, with
Kittywampus at his side. Suncat was running towards the hot tub, just as
Tumnus pulled his pants off. "Tumnus, No!" Suncat yelled, as he too took
off his clothes and dove in...he would be damned if Tumnus would get all 55
women... there was one Suncat liked in particular. 11:54 pm. RM was fading
fast, and in his departure realized he was a Korean General in a past
life - this one, which meant - he had killed himself. He pulled off Staplebutts pants,
just in time to see a tattoo of a monkey before vanishing forever. RM was
able however to get a glance at the bigboard, which was up 3900 points, and
he smiled as he left this world. "BAAHH!" yelled SOT. Kitty, with his eyes
closed, picked up the Korean coin, and began to chant something that sounded
like a drunk Arnold Schwartzenegger. DOS rolled by the hottub, and
detonated an aerosol anti-Viagra bomb, which Kitty had given him. Tumnus
and Suncat both went flaccid, and just in time.
The spell was broken as the
air was suddenly filled with raw funnel cake mix, making the Devil sneeze.
"Coin Coin!" he yelled, but could not see where it was. Cousin cleverly
hopped into the hot tub, and had his way with many women. Suddenly, the
funnel cake powder turned into a whirlwind, and all the Koreans were swept
up, into a vortex of madness. Kitty threw the coin at the tornado, and it
dissipated back into the portal. RM's grandparents showed up, and jumped
into each other resulting in a massive collision, producing so much friction
that they melded together. Not only that, but Kitty quickly dumped in a
batch of funnel cake mix, a black shirt, and a monkey. This
resulted in a Korean/American mix, dressed in the black shirt, with the datestamp
of this historic day, April 15th 2000, the year of the Rally Monkey Rally.
11:59 pm, 11:59 pm, "CRAP! Taxes are due!" yelled Yoda, who had been apart from the group the entire day. He had made the tragic error of waking and baking after he woke from his pot-induced nap earlier in the afternoon. He signed his half-filled 1040EZ and had the postmaster stamp it. "Well begun is half done and better late than never," he told the gang as he met up with them, but due to the time change he met up with them at 11:58 ebay time. "Funnel cakes, get your funnel cakes here!" "MMMMMM that sounds good, good enough for the munchies." Yoda hit the one hitter and staggered to the vendor where he bought himself a supersized funnel cake - the Mona Lisa of stoners. Suncat clapped Tumnus on the back and they laughed merrily. Next to the funnel cake vendor, Tudor Hampton had been reincarnated as a Lawrence Journal World salesman hawking subscriptions in front of Baily Hall. Tudor was hungry too and ran only to be cut off by Yoda who was getting a chaser-cake, the first one had put up little resistance to his baked state. Tudor pleaded with the people in line ahead of him, "Hey guys, save some for everyone else!" Alas, it was to no avail, as Yoda sprinkled his tastie-tastelicious goody with powdered sugar like a well-seasoned carnie at the county fair, the funnel cake vendor sold out, packed up, and went home for the day. Tudor kicked the corner of the stand in an 'aw-shucks' motion and walked back to his newspaper stand. The Campanile, true to it's designers dream was in sync to the ebay clock, and began to strike midnight. All were struck with a sudden onset of narcolepsy and fell asleep on the spot, just as well really - for tomorrow they were banned from stealing, a sure challenge all on its own.
The End
