As you know, we run a professional website, but in our free time we also run a celebrity psychotherapy center. We have a lot of famous names on our long clientele list, but that is confidential, of course. We specialize in the normal stuff, you know, de-tox, counseling, and the like. Well, at Christmas-time, everyone gets a little stressed, suicides go up, it's the nature of the world.
Recently, Suncat had the oppertunity to tape a coversation held with Santa while he was attempting a rooftop suicide. What follows is a verbatum transcript of the conversation that ensued taken from the master tape. (photo courtesy of the Mr. Tumnus photo archives)
SUNCAT: So, you're like, Santa, right?
SANTA: Yeah, who the hell are you?
I'm Suncat, what's going on?
What the hell does it look like? I'm going to kill myself!
What have you got there? Smirnoff?
I don't know, some cheap shit, I think it's McCormicks.
That is some rough stuff, why don't you drink something a little smoother? There's nothing worse than a cheap vodka.
Why are you up here? Can't you see I have a gun?
Don't try it pal, I've got a bigger gun, I'm a better shot, and I'm sober. You think you can take me? Just try.
What is your problem? Have you been bad? If you keep this threatening act up, I won't be bringing you anything.
You've got a gun to your head, if you pull that trigger, you won't be bringing anything to Jack or Shit
(20 sec of tape static with voices/words unrecognizable)
You think so?
Why not, limes are just as good (15 sec unrecognizable) and if you don't like them, you can always use them as (2 sec static)
Yeah, just like Ron Jeremy does.
Who said anything about Ron Jeremy? No one, I just said he does that. How many bottles did you put away before the one you're working on now? 2 minutes of garbled tape ...the next thing he knows, he's on the floor looking for his wallet, and he has no idea where his hair is! Ha Ha! I'll have to try that one on the elves. So you've changed your mind about killing yourself? How can I do it? You've shown me there is so much to live for! Ho, Ho, Ho, I'll see you on Christmas! Don't try it big guy.