Worm III: A Worm Not of this Earth
Suncat parked the Jeep just below the crest of the hill that marked the boundary of Hidden Valley, 5 minutes remained before they disappeared into the past. Through binoculars they saw Colonel Sanders lurking around the background. "Belial told me to keep an eye on him, I forgot about that when you came back." "What is that under his arm inside his coat?" asked Suncat. "I don't know... it's moving though." "OK back in the Jeep, we're going in loud." Suncat dropped the clutch and flew over the hill just as Tumnus and SCSA disappeared below. Col. Sanders twirled his beard and laughed. "Now, they will be trapped for good" he said. He broke his prized chickens neck, destroying the jinx talisman. The jeep landed on the picnic table, crushing bucket upon bucket of extra crispy causing SOT to bah in dismay, extra crispy was his favorite!
Col. Sanders ran off into a nearby warehouse, laughing. Just then, the Scooby Doo gang showed up in the Mystery Machine. Shaggy traded bong secrets with Suncat as DOS shot Scooby a scowl, and Tumnus shot Daphne a wink. "Which way did he go" asked Fred. Tumnus pointed into the warehouse, and the gang gave chase. SOT wasted no time and got into the Mystery Machine, keys in the ignition. SOT started it up. Tumnus quickly came over to relieve him of his driving position...SOT was too young to drive. Instead, he hopped onto the passenger seat, Suncat and DOS jumping in the back. Tumnus revved the engines up and dropped the clutch.
...Inside the Warehouse...
Col Sanders quickly made his way to a highpoint atop of some wares, where he would wait. The Scooby Doo Gang slid in unnoticed and hid. Just as Fred was about to unveil the plan, the Mystery Machine burst through the West wall, a glorious beam of sunlight behind it. In midair, SOT shot out a spray of bullets at Col. Sanders, but he dodged them just in the nick of time among sounds of screeching tires, jumping high into the air and landing directly into his getaway vehicle, which promptly took off to the South. The Col. had escaped. The Mystery Machine stopped dead in it's tracks, situated precariously between two stacks of wares.
SOT threw the tommy gun down with a disgusted "Bah!" The meddling kids approached the mystery machine, which had eventually come to rest against crates, wedged in tight. Suncat laughed as Tumnus pounded the steering wheel. "Piece of crap!" The gang egressed out the back and climbed out of the factory's new skylight and back to the Jeep. Suncat sat in the driver's seat and turned on his Type O Negative Minidisk, opening with Summer Breeze. "Sweet remake," said Tumnus as he nodded his head to the beat. When the song finished, Suncat dropped the clutch and followed the settling cloud of dust left by the Colonel's henchmen. Tumnus nodded to Belial who then lit the fuse that disappeared into the worm's gas tank, sealing the deal he had made with Tumnus. In the rearview mirror, the worm exploded. "I hope that is the last time we see that thing," Suncat said. Tumnus showed Suncat a high-tech electronic module he had swiped from the worm and then plugged it into the cigarette lighter. "What does that do?" asked Suncat, but suddenly a hologram of Colonel Sanders appeared.
"Vatorbutt, if you are seeing this, something has gone wrong. You must come to me now, the very secret of my eleven herbs and spices depend on it! The GPS readout screen on the fold down panel will guide you. I am sorry about sending you into the past, but it was to get rid of Suncat and Tumnus. I have your bio-lock in my chrono-nexus chamber and was going to transport you directly here, but something must have happened in order for me to send you back to the worm. Regardless, meet me at the rendezvous, and all will be clear. Transmission out." Suncat looked at Tumnus and asked, "What was that all about?" Tumnus shrugged, "More intrigue..."
They drove the Jeep out of Hidden Valley. Suncat groaned at the ass man and cow, breaking their trance and making them look up. The GPS readout showed the target a couple of hundred miles away, seemingly in the middle of the Nevada desert. What could be out there? Tumnus pondered that and other questions for the next two hours, as they pulled up to the spot. "There's nothing out here" said Suncat. Indeed, it was a desolate area, one that was very dusty and received minimal precipitation year round. As the West wind kicked up temporarily, the dust was cleared long enough for Suncat to spy a shape off in the distance. "Looks like a giant man statue" said Suncat. "Let's go there."
They drove up to the statue, which was situated atop a giant bucket shaped pedestal. They got out of the car and looked up, only to see it was a statue of Col. Sanders. Suddenly, the statue came to life and began to descend from the pedestal, while hurling fried-chicken shaped grenades at the crew. Through the visor on the face, Tumnus was able to see the driver, "It's VB, RUN!" Once back to the Jeep, Tumnus scanned the statue and concluded that it was the worm, and things made sense. Belial had agreed to destroy it when VB had been returned to him, but when they came out of the past, VB had been missing, there was no reason to destroy it. The explosion they had seen must have been Belial blowing up the warehouse and the debris of the Mystery Machine. "Poor Shaggy," sighed Suncat. The worm itself was in top working order, and with TT not around, some fancy driving was now in order to get away. Suncat managed to evade VB by driving into the canyonlands of the southwest on his way back to Hidden Valley. "Man, that worm's sensors are terrible," Tumnus said as VB steered the Colonel Sanders robot in the wrong direction. "He can't exploit the natural advantages of the worm in is normal form, a worm would just dry out up here," replied Suncat.
Once back in Hidden Valley, their suspicions were confirmed as cows grazed from the asses of the murdered mystery solvers. "Well, it's not a total waste," exclaimed Suncat as he emerged from the wreckage with an undamaged hookah. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't..." he said as he noticed Tumnus wiping a tear from his eye as he surveyed Daphne's untimely demise. "Nah man," laughed Tumnus, "I think some herbs and spices are still floating around here from all that extra crispy. My eyes are burning." He scanned the area and found the herb content was high, even for Hidden Valley. "Odd, these are not indigenous to this part of the country, their proteins have a residual magnetic signature... wait a second." Tumnus pulled out his laptop and inspected a sample. "These are approximate, but I get Latitude... 32N, Longitude... 64W." "That's Bermuda," replied Kittywampus. "The Sargasso Sea!" gasped Tumnus, "now it all makes sense." Suncat had no clue what Tumnus was talking about, but he figured he would get filled in on the way.
As they made their way back to the Jeep, two kids were fighting and Suncat broke them up. "Hey, knock it off you two," he said. The kids kept yelling back and forth and Tumnus noticed their bandanas. "Suncat, those kids are gang-bangers, you better be careful," he said into his cufflink. Suncat nodded as his earpiece passed him the message. "You kids need to settle this the old fashioned way... Minesweeper," he told them. "It's on!" yelled the one in red. Blue answered, "Ain't none o' y'all that can 'sweep!" Tumnus looked at them puzzled. "That is street for Minesweeper," Suncat explained to him. "Street? Like anyone on the street even plays Minesweeper... or has a computer for that matter," Tumnus said under his breath. "Windows98SE ONLY!" Blue yelled at Red. "256 MB of RAM, first one to finish in less than 190 seconds wins." The judges from American Idol appeared to ensure a fair contest and Tumnus and Suncat resumed their walk to the Jeep. "What in the hell was that all about?" Tumnus inquired. Suncat told him, it passed the time. In no time, they were at the Jeep.
They started the Jeep and began to drive away. Passing out of the valley, Tumnus spied something odd...a pack of hobbled skinless dingos with bars over their mouths running after the Jeep. "Floor it!" yelled Tumnus as Kitty hit the NOS. The dingos were left howling in the Jeeps dust. "Man, we left just in time" said Tumnus. Kitty had a worried look on his face, something seemed unnatural about the whole dingo thing. "What is this new devilry?" Kitty shuddered.
They made it to Miami in just a few hours, a testament to the power of the Jeep. "ROLL OUT, ROLL OUT! Get out da way, get out da way! Roll out! Roll out! Get out da way, get out da way" Kitty was heard singing along to his favorite rap song. "We must find a ship that is going deep into the Sargasso Sea" said Tumnus. Looking about the docks, there was a lone ship, the "Screamin Seaman." Suncat and crew walked up the dock and boarded the ship. Two seconds later, they were met by a nifty looking congressman smoking a cigar. "Greetings my fellow countrymen, what can I do for you today?" he said. "We are trying to find a ship to the Sargasso Sea. We are on a quest to..." Kitty was stopped in mid sentence by the hand of Tumnus. "We need to meet someone there, can you take us there, or know of anyone who has a boat we could rent?" finished Tumnus. "Well, I've got a date in the Bahamas, I can take you that far" said the Congressman, ashing over the side of the ship. "In these dark times of war, I've just got to have a vacation. I got caught screwing Newt Gingrich's daughter, and am in a bit of hot water. I need to get away from the media, speaking of which, there they come again!" News vans began to show up in the main parking lot, it was only a matter of time before they were there. "Listen, I've got to leave, I..." the Congressman continued, while finishing up his cigar quickly. Meanwhile, Kitty whipped out a photograph out of his pocket, put it in an envelope and marked it "Eyes Only." Kitty handed it to the Congressman, and Tumnus smiled. "Perhaps THIS might change your mind. "It's top secret, but if you lend us your boat, the info, I trust, will remain in good hands." The Congressman took the packet, and opened it up. "What is THIS?" he asked, staring in awe. 
"It is called an Imperial Walker, we will win the war with these. There are only a few in existence, somewhere in Nevada. The president doesn't know about them yet, the secret service knows of their existence, but have not been able to buy the mafia out" "I will redeem myself! The tide will turn!" the Congressman said in Jubliation. "Here, it is yours" he put his sailors hat on Kitty, or rather, he tried, it really wouldn't fit. "Enjoy, and thank you my friends!" said the Congressman, and he was off. Suncat quickly readied the vessel for sail, as Tumnus took pictures of the Congressman among the media.
Months passed and Suncat, Tumnus, and crew had taken a vow of poverty choosing to forgoe their unlimited funds and work as deckhands, hopping ships taking them closer and closer to the location from where the herbs originated. From Miami, they went to Grand Bahama, from there they went to Nassau, then San Juan, Puerto Rico, and then St. Kitts. From St. Kitts they worked aboard a cruise liner as waiters until the ship docked at Hamilton, Bermuda where they disembarked and followed Tumnus' GPS to Kindley Field. "It's here," said Tumnus. Suncat stroked his sailor's beard grown over their time at sea, pondering what to do next, when suddenly the ground shook; faintly at first, then progressively stronger. "What is going on?" Suncat asked. Tumnus pointed at the far side of the airfield where an Imperial Walker were maneuvering. "Whoa, that is wild, it has the KFC logo on it," Kitty said from behind his binoculars. Suncat raised his digital telescope and said, "Yeah, the worm is there too, look behind the walker." The worm raised it's head and released a metallic screech like a train being torn apart. The walker stopped and looked at it. The worm slithered up next to it and wrapped itself around it's legs like a boa constrictor. The walker toppled over and landed on it's face. The worm lifted it's tail and slammed down on the walker, causing it to explode. It pulled away and a ramp lowered from the control center, where Colonel Sanders, VB, and Belial walked out and surveyed the damage. "You know, I don't... Tumnus?" Suncat looked around. "I think he went around the base with SOT," said Kitty, "I was focusing in on the worm and they were running off towards those hills," Kitty gestured to his left. Suncat pulled out a .45 and handed one to Kitty, "Let's try to catch up to them. DOS, you stay here."
Tumnus had worked himself to within 250 yards of the worm, the colonel, VB, and Belial were not much closer as they looked over the crushed walker with their backs towards him. SOT skirted off to the side and took up position on a slight ridge waiting for Tumnus' signal. Suncat and Kitty had just rounded the hills and saw Tumnus make his move. "Get down! We can't blow his plan, whatever madness it may be," whispered Suncat. The two hit the deck and watched Tumnus get in the worm unseen. After what seemed like an eternity, but which Kitty estimated to be more like 4 minutes, Tumnus' head poked out, looked around, and he hauled ass back out of the worm and got behind the ridge where SOT had been all along. Suncat gestured his and Kitty's location and soon the gang was reunited. Whatever had interested VB for so long now mattered less and they started walking back to the worm. "What did you do in there?" asked Suncat.
"Cacti" said Tumnus. "What?" replied Suncat. "Cacti" said Tumnus, pointing to the west. Indeed, there was a field of Saguaro cacti just a few hundred yards away. "So...what's your point" asked Suncat. "Follow me, or, have some tea" said Tumnus. Suncat shrugged, and since nobody was in the mood for tea, they all followed behind Tumnus. Behind them, the Col. looked through hi powered binoculars. "Oh no, I thought they were stuck in time!" said the Col. in a rage. "Who's responsible for this! Belial!?" Belial was nowhere to be found. "My Cacti! How dare they profane my Cacti farm with their presence! VB, launch plan B" said the Col, twirling his beard and laughing. Doing a yeoman's work, VB returned a few minutes later with a special horn, and he blew in it. The sound infiltrated the airways.
"Ok, so there are Cacti, why are we here?" asked Suncat, perplexed and wondering what Tumnus was exposed to while inside the worm. "Well, there is freshwater inside these Cacti" Tumnus said with a smile. He pulled out a few Dixie cups, tapped the Cactus and prepared the crew a drink. "I believe the Aborigine" Tumnus said. Suncat had had enough. "Look, are goal is to foil the plans of the Col. and VB, and to destroy the worm. I have several questions. One, what intelligence, if any, have you brought back from your trip inside the worm, and two, does anyone here have any Kool Aid mix?" asked Suncat, looking around. "I have some Country Time Lemonade mix" said Kitty, prepared as all get out. Tumnus mixed a drink and drank, and sat, and thanked God for this glorious day. DOS began to bark. "Oh yes DOS, you can have some too, although..." started Suncat, when DOS rudely interrupted him with a crescendoing howl. "No No No! What I'm trying to get across to you, is that that is not Tumnus" said DOS through morse code barking. "What's more....there is a fowl sound on the air" said DOS. "I swear, you humans, why did God even GIVE you ears if they are so useless?" he thought. "Oh NO!" yelled Kitty. "Look!" The Cactus Tumnus had tapped began to shift, and it's eyes opened up. It put a strangle hold on Tumnus, and ripped his head off. Out of his neck, spewed a column of steam. "Ah, so it WASN'T Tumnus after all," said Suncat. "Where is he then?" No sooner did he say "then", when suddenly a UFO came out of the sky, shooting red arrows at them. "That isn't a UFO, it's a Chewbactopus" said Kitty. Don't let his arrows hit you, or you will fall in love with the first living creature you see. One arrow whizzed over Kitty's head, and impaled the animated Cactus. It immediately grew a boner, and began walking towards the Suncat. It continued walking by, lifted up a rock and found Belial cowering underneath. It held Belial, and loved him, and called him George. The crew ran back to where they were before, in site of the worm, and wondering where Tumnus was.
The Chewbactopus made a hard righty turny, and came back towards them, arrows at the ready. It seemed it had the groups number, and quickly shot three arrows at the same time. One hit Kitty, one hit DOS, and one hit Suncat. They all fell to the ground, and the Col. and VB rode up on a bicycle built for two. "Ha ha ha" laughed the Col...but his laugh was cut short, as the group suddenly started smoking, and suddenly he knew, he would not have the last laugh. VB began laughing, scared to death what might happen if the last laugh was not had by at least ONE of the bad guys. The Col., up to the challenge, began laughing again, and now it was only a matter of time to see who would stop laughing first. The Col. was the more experience laughter, but VB had youth on his side.
The duo got back on their bike, and peddled to the last known location of the worm, where they would hope to find it intact and unspoiled. The Col. knew, and feared, that Tumnus had figured out it's powers...one of the powers being that it had the power to make robotic clones run by steam... but that was only the tip of the iceberg.
Meanwhile, Tumnus and Suncat, along with DOS and Kitty were hiding behind the fallen Imperial Walker, waiting. DOS's ears perked up as the sound of laughter increased. "Get inside the worm!" yelled Suncat. The air was full of red arrows, flying around seemingly without targets and what should have been a short run was nothing less than a gauntlet of marksmen chewbactopi, more than 50 had materialized from an area of the field that looked blurry. Tumnus shut and bolted the hatch and steered the worm towards the blur. "There is a tear in space time here that Col. Sanders has created to test the worm. The Imperial Walker was brought here from Nevada, and the saguaro field was from Arizona. The chewbactopi are from a parallel universe and there is no telling how stable this space-time aperture is! We must disable the field generator so no more can come in through it," Suncat announced. The chewbactopi stopped firing at the worm when Suncat began to take the generator offline, and they hauled ass toward it, not wanting to be left behind on a lonely isle in the Sargasso Sea. The arrows had found their marks - the Colonel and VB lay unconcsious next to aroused Saguaro who ravaged them.
The last chewbactocpus stopped at the destabilizing nexus and let out a groan of gratitude to Suncat and Tumnus. He then shook his furry head and dove in just as it closed. Tumnus engaged an enormous Hoover Wet/Dry Vac that sucked up all the arrows and incinerated them to keep their formula from being analyzed and used by the worlds armies. Kitty fired some missiles at the Walker which destroyed any usable parts as Suncat remote piloted TT from the towers and docked it with the worm in mid-flight. The crew set self-destruct charges around the worm and broke the tether from TT at 80k feet. Tumnus pulled his helmet off and said, "We've got pressure," The worm dove straight into the mid-Atlantic over the volcanic undersea mountain range and entered the earth's crust. Just at the point it was starting to melt and malfunction, it exploded. A small tsunami raced toward Bermuda, but TT was there to dissipate the energy before it made landfall. "We're not quite done yet," said Tumnus.
TT began to set down and the Saguaro dropped the Colonel's limp, lifeless body to the ground, he had been loved to death - he had the needles in all the wrong places in case someone needed proof. VB was cowering behind rocks as Suncat soaked the living cacti in napalm and dropped a cherried J out the window, causing a fire to kill the living plants. "Was that wise, who knows what we could have learned from a living cactus?" mused Tumnus. "We will never know, but really, could it have taught you and I anything?" "True," Tumnus replied, "but I always wonder what might have been." He rested his head on his hands staring out the window, prompting Suncat to wonder if he was serious. Tumnus then leaned to the right and farted, letting Suncat know he wasn't. "Let's get home, the bell is about to sound, I'm hoping for a rally," said Suncat as he engaged the engines. "Quite," replied Tumnus. "Indeed," countered Suncat. "I WIN!"
The End
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