The Tale of 7 Deadly Sins: Story 5

It was 4am, and I woke up. I stood 10 feet back from the toilet to piss. The aim was nothing short of amazing. I of course had to walk slowly towards the toilet as the pressure was relieved, but for those few moments, I was king. It was enough to make a mother proud, although, I am a male.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise outside, sounded like a bomb, so I went to the window. Indeed, it was SOT, posing as the local paperboy, but throwing sticks of dynamite instead of newspapers. One landed in the Old lady's house across the street, and lit her yard on fire. The Elliots promptly went over and stomped it out, cursing SOT as he rode away Baaaing on a tricked out Haro Master. Knowing an opportunity when I saw it, I hit the switch, and instantly the old ladies house and yard were trapped beneath a giant birdcage like structure. The Elliots tried to pull the bars apart, but the old woman just went back in her house. I called up a few of my friends, including Tumnus and Suncat. Less than 10 minutes later they arrived, pulling kitties in my front yard before their engines ultimately died after hitting the side of the house too hard. I greeted them each with a few gallons of gas, a lighter and a flamethrower. I pointed across the street, quite proud of the contraption.

Without delay, a guy named Chad pushed a button on his watch and the entire West side of town blacked out. We all jumped in a Mercury Cougar and drove over to raise hell. Suncat picked up a real estate sign and threw it through someone's front window. Was anyone home? We didn't stick around long enough to find out. Did they see us drive away? Not with the street lights out. Cops were everywhere directing traffic; none were available to chase the cougar and its occupants. Suddenly Suncat and Chad disappeared, they were seen throwing a pipe bomb into Josh Hagan's yard then flying off down the street. Tumnus and Josh responded by trying to blow a tree out of Chad's front yard. The commotion ended with Suncat and Chad successfully tested their prototype shotgun-rocket launcher in town. One warhead flew two blocks and detonated at head level. Another warhead lit Chad's neighbor's yard on fire. Yet another blew up right by a police car. As quickly as it began, the arms race was over and Suncat and Tumnus were beaming with pride. Now to put their munitions knowledge to work, an event of such magnitude that anyone knowing Suncat or Tumnus would be proud.
Quietly, in the darkness of shadows, the old lady watched. Throughout the entire testing phases, she watched. Little did she know that the entire time, a surveillance camera, cleverly disguised as a banana stuck to her house, was watching her. Every time she called her son, they heard. Every time she reported their progress, Tumnus watched from his basement surveillance center. Her son was Vatorbutt, and this is the story of the start of the feud.

Tumnus and I heard the conversation where the old lady reported the dead birds to VB and as we sat the earpieces down, I complimented Tumnus on his spy work. Modestly, he thanked me, and then he called VB to plant the seed. I could barely keep from laughing as Tumnus told VB what a fan he was. Leading up to VB's biggest accomplishment to date, running over a duck on 21st street mere blocks from his mother's home, Tumnus made the ordeal seem almost mythical in its proportions, the whole time VB was waiting for the compliment as he was in no way humble about his work. The whole time Tumnus was talking quieter and quieter into the phone, as VB strained to hear the kudos. Then, in one fell swoop, he shoved the receiver next to his ass and ripped a vicious fart into the mouthpiece and slammed it down. I swear you could hear VB howling in pain from the shock of quiet to roaring loud. As the phone lie there still smoking from the fart's corrosive properties, VB's mother crept over to him, and took him by the ear. "Those boys have killed my birds, and desecrated my yard," she said. "It is your duty, to take care of them, any way you know how," said Mother of VB (MOVB). Just then, she let her parting groan, and died. With tears in his eyes, VB vowed to avenge his mother's death, by making Tumnus and Suncat's lives living hell.

VB remembered that Tumnus had to work at 5:00 AM. He decided to sneak into the building with the Gideons, a religious group that meets every Sunday morning in the green room at Black Angus. Chad, after saying his good byes, straddled his super duper rocket ship, lit the engine, and took off into the sky. In an instant, Suncat was putting the finishing touches on a foil pan of Jiffy Pop. Only a few more seconds, he thought. Quick thinking, he whipped up a batch of instant Jell-O with his left hand, and as the foil busted on the Jiffy Pop Pan, he shut off the stove with his right foot. "Indeed" he said. Tumnus quickly walked onto the scene, armed with 10 grenades and a bottle of grenadine. "I am always prepared," said Kittywampus, who was sitting on the couch. "Enough" said Tumnus, who told everyone to come to Black Angus and have a free breakfast bar dinner on him. They all hopped into a 1986 Mercury Cougar, and they were off. Kitty was complaining that his head was becoming raw from the friction between it and the corner of Tumnus' big speaker box, but no sooner had he finished his complaint, they were at the restaurant.

...Inside Black Angus...

I just happened to be there, sitting in a booth drinking a cup of coffee. Bernice was a very nice waitress, always had something to talk about, and in a joyful mood. I spied Eddie the 450 lb chef over by the salad bar, filling a vat of gravy for the biscuits. SOT quickly rushed down the hallway on his skateboard, right in front of Eddie. It startled him so much, that up in the air went the vat of gravy, all over everything. He fell on his ass, and then the lights went out. A few screams were heard, and then when the lights went back on, all that was left of Eddie was his skeleton...on it, a note. It read "DCV wuz Here."

Then suddenly, Suncat and Kitty waltzed in the front, demanding to be seated immediately. Kitty politely waited for the hostess to seat them, but Suncat quickly rushed the salad bar, heading right for the French toast sticks. The waitress and hostess were staring at him. Suncat noticed, and said with mouth full "My friend works here." A collective "oh" was heard, along with the sound of Brent the retarded mortician cleaning up the bones of Eddie. Just as they were being seated, Tumnus came out of the doors wearing and apron. He went up to Suncat's table, and told them to sit in the back room, so they did. He told them to listen carefully. The Gideons had just begun to pray, so they all had to be quiet to fit in. Tumnus went in the back, laughing. I decided to put on my cloak of invisibility, and followed Tumnus outside. I followed him onto the roof. Tumnus had a few Little Kings hidden up there, and downed a couple, but not before smoking a fat ass J made from some ditch weed roasted in a tin can over a fire. Then, he proceeded over to the Chimney, the same one that went down into the back room where everyone was. He threw his head back laughing, and proceeded to pour a bucket full of bastard ass boys and 50 gallons of spew down into the fireplace. At that instant, Suncat threw a log in front of the doors, pinning the Gideons inside and joined Tumnus on the roof for a little doobage action. SOT flew in through the kitchen wearing a MCU2P gas mask and flinging handfuls of dust mites and three year old candy canes at the patrons. One of the oldest of the Gideons on Earth grew infuriated. The spew was making all the Gideon's fall to the floor clutching at their throats as the bastard ass boys rampaged the buffet. The old man, who was simply too proud to die (as evidenced already), watched with little interest. Tumnus took the last little king bottle from me and rifled it down the chimney and hit the man in the head, causing him to split into a soul and a corporeal body. As the corpse fell to the ground in a wet heap, the soul floated around the room screaming, almost like a banshee, and consuming the souls of the other Gideons.

Soon the place looked like a massacre, and Tumnus and Suncat were high as kites. The banshee was gaining power and becoming material again from the souls it consumed and it heard the three of us laughing. It started heading towards us, but Suncat saw it coming and shoved a pipe down its throat and turned on the flow of liquid nitrogen. Unfortunately, the banshee was acclimated to liquid nitrogen (somehow), and it only slowed him down.

Being stoned, the gravity seemed to slow us down as well, negating the benefit of partially freezing the banshee as we ran for Suncat's Chevy Tahoe, which due to the THC looked like a Mercury Comet. Knowing that the comet would be loud to drive and give their position away to the banshee, we jumped into the Pontiac Grand Am parked next to it (answers that question: what would you do if someone gave you the keys to a Pontiac Grand Am). As Suncat pulled the car out into the street, the banshee grabbed on and started to squeeze in through the window. Suncat deftly drove the car up to about 80 mph and sideswiped a brick building, achieving two nearly impossible things; he scared the living shit out of Tumnus and severed the body at the waist of the stowaway.

"BEEEEOTCH!" screamed Suncat as he forced Tumnus and I out the driver's side door and followed quickly behind. The half banshee in the passenger seat looked up and screamed as the Grand Am slammed into a gasoline storage tank and burst into flames, killing it once and for all.

Just then a skinless dingo with a raging hard-on ran by and had some nasty with a fire hydrant, howled, and was gone in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Suddenly, the sky split open and electricity discharge made everyone's hair stand on end. Out of the sky landed a huge mechanical animal, a Mechanimal if you will, and it grabbed Suncat and Tumnus and a hologram appeared in front of them. The hologram was of them, from the future - and it told them the peril that VB was to them. After a short conversation, they understood his powers and were ready to live in a world that they had thought was safe in their bliss of yesterday. But their day was just getting started. "That is something you don't see every day," started Tumnus, but just then, the Black Angus erupted into a massive fireball. "MY SON!" screamed Tumnus.

SOT came riding up on his minibike that he stole from a Shriner back in the day, smiling like the devil himself. DOS telepathically communicated the events to Suncat, who then gave Tumnus the lowdown. DOS and SOT had detonated a massive air-fuel bomb on the roof of the restaurant. The uptake was incredible as the air-fuel bomb consumed it all and created a draft of dusty air, which due to its high concentration of wheat dust, sustained the firestorm until almost half of Great Bend had been burnt to the ground. "What about VB?" asked Tumnus. "He got out," thought DOS.

Just then, the same skinless dingo with a raging hard-on ran by and had some nasty with a fire hydrant, howled, and was gone in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Suddenly, the sky split open again with a bang, and a messenger fell from the sky. His name was Stairwell Butt (SB), VB's anti-universe twin. Composed of rye grain, he had a special connection with mother Earth. SB stood before Tumnus and Suncat, and delivered his message. "Beware the pride of men, much more than a hen. Much more dangerous than a grain bin, it is the reservoir of all sin. You better check yourselves before you wreck yourselves." Before anyone could get a word in edgewise, SB turned into a sharp sword with quite an edge, and DOS ate a Scooby snack to take the edge off. A can of OFF materialized, and as the sword punctured it, Suncat threw a grenade on it, and it blew up. The vaporized chemicals from the explosion were lofted by a stiff south wind, and rose as an undiluted parcel of air adiabatically until the vapor pressure was low enough to condense. The vertical wind shear profiles and mid level lapse rates were such that the tremendous release of latent heat energy caused by the bug spray vapor resulted in a storm no one has seen before, a bug storm, in the shape of a dust mite. SOT began to Baaaa uncontrollably. Seeing his boy in such a state made Tumnus uneasy. "Oh no, not again."

Just then, the ground began to rumble, and where Black Angus used to be, the ground split open, letting the pressure of a thousand years of plate tectonics and madness to emerge. Out of the crevice, rode nine black hooded horsemen, riding composite horses made of the remains of the victims VB used to put into the Chimney. On their shields, the sign of the dust mite. Quick thinking Suncat popped DOS a pill. As soon as DOS bit down, he leapt high into the air, and in mid air, among the sounds of twisting metal turned into Turbo Timmy Plus (TT+). Tumnus noticed that even the skinless dingo had joined the other side, and now had the sign of the dust mite branded on his forehead. TT+ was much like the original Turbo Timmy, but equipped with Clover brand 4-way split fires, for a full 10 % increase in power. TT+ readied itself for battle, while the horsemen took orders from their master. The scene was deathly quiet, except for the beat of distant war drums from millions of dust mites... pounding on their host's pillows. A thunderous sound burst through the air, as the dust mite storm ordered his horsemen to attack.

Hoping to help, I pulled out a can of Raid Dust-Mite formula out of my pocket, and handed it to Suncat. He rapidly started making a device out of it, but luckily due to the very small strides of microscopic mites, he had a few hours to complete his work. Tumnus checked TT+'s oil and topped it off for the battle. "Call me a doubting Tumnus, but I think we've started burning some oil since these Clovers went in," he said to no one in particular. Suncat shook his head rather than continue the discussion about the Clovers again. Anyone who insisted on putting them in, then complaining about them was beyond reasoning with. Suncat had suspected Tumnus was going insane so he scanned him with the sanity detector. Prognosis: same as the last scan. That meant either Tumnus had always been crazy or never had - a question philosophical thinkers could ponder for decades. I watched as Suncat put the final touches on the Air-Raid bomb, similar in theory to the air fuel bomb, but staggeringly devastating to dust mites. He handed it back to me and told me to use it on his cue. Tumnus had just finished waxing TT+ and tweaked the timing and targeting systems to near-perfection. "I could shoot the balls off of a worm from a mile away," he bragged. "Aren't worms asexual? I mean, they don't have balls," I started. "Don't... just don't," Suncat told me. Then we dressed in our best Wild West costumes and had one of those WANTED posters made up from a group of carnival gypsies. Tumnus hung it on the fridge in TT+ control module and said, "There, that's nice, I like that." Suncat and Tumnus took their positions and I climbed out onto the veranda to throw my bomb.

The dust mites were approaching from the South, and taking some time doing it, so Tumnus drove TT+ southward to meet them, but he noticed something odd, they were merging to form larger and fewer dust mites. He ran a computer simulation based on his rough estimates and what he found disturbed him. "Suncat, the mass of the population is constant, but due to the merging of mites, the number is decreasing steadily, and the mites are increasing proportionally in size." "Fewer targets? Good," Suncat replied. "Well, the bad thing about it is that if their physical abilities increase scaled to their size, these mites will soon be able to jump several stories into the air and they may be able to penetrate the hull with their mouths." "Let it rip!" Suncat yelled to me. I threw the bomb, which landed in the midst of the now visible mites. It detonated and a horrific scene ensued as a chain reaction was sustained by the mites themselves. The ones that had merged found themselves able to jump up out of harms way, when they landed, about 80% of the mites had been killed. The whole scene smelled like burnt hair. I ran into TT+'s left foot, and slammed the door behind me. The dust mites all jumped into a Monte Carlo with super dark windows and Nunez written in Gothic script Western Auto adhesive letters.

They cranked the bass, courtesy of a Dr Krank-N-Stein 500W amplifier and Rockford Fosgate subs. Suncat held out TT+'s arm with a telescoping horn tweeter powered by a 10kW army loudspeaker, and hooked up a Yamaha keyboard and Tumnus stopped his hand just short of pressing "Demo." "Wait dude, I like this track," he said. We sat there until the song finished, a nanosecond later; Suncat's hand shot out and pressed the "Demo" button. The treble was unfathomably loud. Glass shattered for miles and birds were knocked out of the sky by the sound waves. "Bass heads hate treble, it's like their natural enemy," Suncat started. The treble actually peeled the paint and stickers of the Monte Carlo and blew out the low rider tires.

By now, though, all the dust mites had merged into one, and it burst out of the Chevy like a red assed ape with it's red ass on fire and ran to where the horsemen had backed off to a distance where the sound was within their pain threshold, and the dingo stood at the ready. VB waltzed up with bright tie-dyed tights with a dust mite logo on the chest. "I have come to avenge my Mothers death." Then, suddenly, a large red assed ape appeared, with Michel Jackson riding piggyback. Jackson leapt off it's back, and the ape ran up a tree, cowering in fear. A loud "Ow!" was heard from the shrieking Michael Jackson, as he spun around on his heels at 7200 RPM. The smell of bug spray in the air was getting to the ape, which promptly fell out of the tree. Now injured and demented, it made a mad dash for MJ. It hopped on his back, turning him into a female planet of the apes mixture wearing a futuristic 80s jacket, named Bebe. Bebe turned to face VB, who was wearing some stylish tie-dyed pants... pants that Bebe wanted badly. VB ran a couple blocks North, where the rest of his Dust Mite crew were waiting.

The dingo let out a howl, signaling the beginning of the battle. The giant dust mite extended an inspector gadget-like lunch lady arm towards Bebe and struck her in the back of the head with much force. It killed Bebe, and one billion giant black beetles quickly ate her remains. The beetles then were picked up by a rotating tube of air extending from VB's butt, and turned into one bad-ass beetle named Beetle Bailey, the biggest bug on the block. Proud as can be, it turned its nose up at the dust mite and VB's army. VB switched sides and called the Beetle his master. The horsemen, proud to be dustmite-kateers, were embarrassed, and fell down crying.

Then suddenly, the sky opened up, and God came down in the form of a Jack in the Box. Suncat ran over and turned the crank. To his dismay, it was the No Doubt Spiderwebs song, but he toughed it out long enough for the box to spring open. With the quickness, out came Ice Cube, who promptly sprayed the scene with bullets, killing the horsemen, the dust mite, and then himself. "God is stern in dealing with the arrogant, but to the humble He shows kindness," said Kittywampus, who had been with me the entire time, holding a bible. I was quite confused as to what the hell was going on, when suddenly, the hand of God reached out of the sky, and bestowed upon Suncat and Tumnus a blessing, so that they might always be victorious in their struggle against VB and evil, so that they might always triumph over adversity when their hearts were pure, and so that they might spread world peace one story at a time. "Blessed are they who are humble, for theirs is the kingdom of God," said Tumnus. "Amen," replied Suncat. Suddenly, I understood.

THE END