The Tale of 7 Deadly Sins: Story 2
Covetousness (Avarice)
 

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It had to be here - and he would find it, but his bowels were saying otherwise. Not thinking anyone would notice, Dog of Suncat (DOS) took a squat and pinched a quick loaf in the quarry yard. Due the habitually bad flatulence that accompanied DOS craps, Vatorbutt (VB) was quick to notice something was awry, and sounded the alarm. Steel shutters slammed down over the quarry windows, the fences became electrified, and the hounds were released. No worries, DOS knew what to do. Running to the entrance, he peed just below the fence. The hounds were gaining fast and were about to see him, so he ducked inside a corrugated steel pipe and watched as all the hounds tried to re-mark their territory, but sloppily peed on the fence. They were all dying or already dead from urinary tract electrocution as DOS emerged. He sauntered out the "in" door and laughed as he climbed into Suncat's car, but was perplexed at not being able to find the wonder weapon in the quarry, had it been moved? In the quarry, VB pounded his fists on the console, "I will have that dog," he vowed as he watched Suncat and his dog drive away.

"Tumnus, get ready - we're coming." Tumnus placed his current project, a living metal scorpion-tadpole hybrid he liked to call Billy in an empty stasis chamber and got out the earpieces that would allow them to communicate with DOS. It had been a while since their last interspecies translator skills had been tested, but Suncat wouldn't let him rest until the dog device was perfected. Now it was, thankfully, and Tumnus looked forward to catching up on his cyborg animal work, starting with Billy the Scorpole.

DOS sat patiently in a comfy chair, as Suncat put a helmet with all kinds of wires on DOS's head. Tumnus pulled a lever on the wall, which fired up the translator machine, which was made out of old toilet paper rolls, aluminum foil, and Elmer's glue. Tumnus carefully placed another helmet above where Billy was sitting. Billy, who had been sitting on his leather lounge chair smoking a pipe and reading the New York Times, demanded a shot of the finest wine money could buy...or else he would not cooperate in the experiment. Suncat, knowing that an unhappy Scorpole would only decrease the effectiveness of the experiment, promptly brought Billy a tall glass of Night train. Billy savored every drop, and then, he was ready. "Fire in the hole!" yelled Tumnus, as he threw the switch. The process went extremely smooth, and within seconds, Billy, who was now a gray squirrel, and DOS were laughing it up, telling old navy stories. "We are now ready for plan B", said Tumnus. Plan B was to infiltrate the VB's "VB Spaugh Zoo", where it was believed VB had been training an army of evil animals, very intelligent ones, whose plan was to take over the world... making all humans their pets. DOS now had the capability to communicate with any animal he chose... and best of all, he was on Suncat and Tumnus's side. "Let's go," said Suncat, and they all hopped into the Tumnusmobile.

DOS was beginning to feel the effects of eating those 30 Bierocks those boys at the restaurant had fed him, and quickly ran unnoticed behind the nearest building. The pressure was relieved quickly, and violently. DOS briefly looked back to admire his work, wiped his butt on the nearest tree and returned to the Tumnusmobile. Mike from Calculo was just coming out of his salon, and as he stepped into the fresh DOS pasted sidewalk, he lost his footing and fell, ass first into the pile, which swirled around and enveloped him, and morphed him into XCON, the nastiest bastard alive. He jumped on a conveniently parked four wheeler and drove to a coffee shop where he spent the night trying to impress some chick he met on telnet. At the end of the night of unbridled coffeehouse passions, she drove him home in a car packed with shit, listening to NPR all the while. All this is nice and well, but had not the least bit to do with the story at hand, so, back to the story...

TGT spoke into the loudspeaker, "Countdown commenced, T minus 10, 9, 8, 7, 5, just kidding, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ignition!" Fire shot hundreds of feet into the catacombs, and up into the air. Brune leaned out the window and casually lit a fat-ass J from the flames that licked at his 6th story window. When the smoke cleared, it was apparent that the first stage of the project was a success, all of the animals were combined with a dash of neutron star and formed a colony of animals similar to a fungus or colony of bacteria, they could combine and divide when needed, forming one very large animal, or many very small animals.

Suncat had just finished tuning the Tumnusmobile's Vatorbutt global positioning system (VBGPS) to a frequency that was undetectable by VB's countermeasures, when the readings from the Tumno-Siesometer went off the scale. "Something is happening," said Tumnus. Suncat deployed the phase shifting device that took the Tumnusmobile 0.05 seconds out of Earth's normal space time, making it invisible and seemingly non-existent. Only the tread of the tires were in phase due to a complex gravity induced phase negating algorithm. Since the rest was out of phase, it would not contact matter in phase. It was very easy to park illegally, Tumnus' favorite feature. Buttox just finished putting his hair into cornrows, it was time for action. Suddenly, Buttox now looked like Warren Sapp, and quickly rushed behind and VB and began to boof him. After a good hour of non-stop boofing fun, VB began to cry, because his sphincter hurt. Buttox pulled off his Warren Sapp mask...it was none other than Mrs. Dragoo with a strap-on. VB offered Dragoo a pound of flesh, and she did eat. Then, after their supper, she took off down the hall like a runaway ball of yarn. "VB swooped from the coop, and promptly turned into a bicken. After lunch, the cow smelled his fancy, but tom was not in billings anymore. 'Sarcophagi!' VB screamed, but it was too late. Rikki Lake was now a mummy, and although no dummy, smelled like a fresh glass of liquid nitrogen," said VB.

Then, suddenly, VB was at the Brit Spaugh Zoo in Great Bend, KS. From his power wheels ambulance, he hung his ray gun out the window, and modified the zoo's sign. It now read, "VB Spaugh Zoo." VB's minions rushed out the back of the ambulance, which was parked over a manhole. These were mutant sewerducks, coming out of the sewers, into the bottom of the ambulance, and out the back. In no time at all, the zoo was surrounded by a solid wall of sewerduck guardsman... the "VB Sewer guard" VB's sewerduck guards wasted no time, as they were ordered by VB to drain one of the duck ponds. VB was hoping to get the zoo remodeled ASAP...because he knew Tumnus and Suncat would be on his trail soon...they always were. They were, in fact, already inside.

"I'm amazed that he didn't bother changing the Spaugh part," said Suncat. Tumnus nodded, knowingly. They were invisible, thanks to cloaks of invisibility, courtesy of Snuffalupugus. After Suncat hit a sewerduck in the head with a hard-thrown rock and buried one in mud by crushing it with a brick, he threw a hand made Tumnus pipe bomb tied to a plastic sack of laundry detergent and water softener salt into the draining duck pond. With a loud boom that made all the volleyball playing Mexicans look away from their game, a cloud of Pyrodex smoke floated over the pond, and darkened the sky. Day turned to night, and the smoke and flames from the pipe bomb began to swirl into rotating clouds, tornadoes of fire that cast an eerie orange glow over everything. "What was in that?" asked Suncat. Tumnus was too busy calculating the yield of the flaming tornadoes, "We have to take shelter, NOW!" he yelled. They dove into Suncat's new ride, a beat-down '83 Chevy Tahoe. "Where did you get this hunk of shit?" asked Tumnus. As Tumnus was shoved back into the firestorm, Suncat yelled "a DUI seizure auction." Wanting but not able to bear seeing his friend burn to death, Suncat reluctantly allowed Tumnus to get back inside. "Bygones." they said in unison. Outside, the fire raged and a hidden compartment opened on the Tahoe letting out the scorpole and DOS, who were quick to get down to business and up to no good. Wearing cardigans and Z-Cavaricci pants treated with Tumno-Pyroguard, they were safe from the hell that raged in the zoo. Billy quickly stung the sewerducks, which melted and flowed into street drains as DOS looked for VB's hideout.

Meanwhile... in the sewers below... Buttox had discovered VB's lair and had plans of his own. He had built a chain reacting device that used CH4 as fuel, also known as methane... sewer gas. As he finished the final touches, he was unaware of the pooling of fluid from the surface. The molten sewerducks slowly regained a solid state, that of Grimace - purple sidekick to Ronald McFuckingDonald himself, except massive, 100 tons and several stories high. Luckily, it was not very smart; it had virtually no ability of understanding. It was merely a bloodthirsty creature of instinct, and instinct told it to kill Buttox. As it slid near, Buttox turned and screamed. He ran quickly, and in a serpentine pattern, but alas Grimace was not an alligator and was gaining. Buttox crawled through a narrow crevice in the wall and soon was in the nexus that always conveniently appears when someone is in trouble, this one however took him to the center of the firestorm, where he fried like a bucket of chicken at cluck and fuck (KFC/Kentucky Fried Chicken) Grimace bent over and farted into the crack - a bad idea, because the fart ignited and the flames spread through the crack and flew up his ass before he could pinch off the fart. With intestines severely burnt, he was doubled over in pain and no match for the stylishly dressed DOS as he bum rushed the MO-FO. VB watched in horror from the control center, beneath the statue of the big brown bear by the entrance to the zoo, all on closed circuit TV. "I must have that dog! No matter the cost, bring him to ME!!!" As everything he had worked for crumbled around him, VB thought of nothing except possessing DOS, he was obsessed.

The few remaining sewerducks snapped to attention and ran to catch DOS, who had found the device and sent the schematics back to the Tahoe via his wireless-network Sony VAIO laptop, which worked every bit as well as the Microsoft Windows XP commercials would have you believe it would, in fact he even started flying around the cavern, but then reality came back and he was done. 'What better to really make a CH4 reaction go berserk than to enrich the fuel supply?' thought DOS, as he squatted to take an especially nasty poo, made mostly of blankets, tree bark, and some skunky ALPO that Suncat fed him earlier. The ass wind that accompanied the poo was nothing short of incredible, and the CH4 level in the cavern was high enough to cause lightheadedness and difficult breathing. DOS leapt into the nexus crack just as Tumnus threw the switch, Buttox's device worked flawlessly, and the reaction started. In the distance, a skinless dingo howled, and suddenly, the atmosphere within the cavern ignited. Grimace was lying in pain, when suddenly he realized a giant fireball was coming right for him. He pulled out his space blanket, which would protect him from the heat...but wait, he pulled it out of his ass, and since his ass had just been on fire, the blanket was ruined. Little did he know, he himself was fire retardant. But it didn't matter. He suffocated within the chamber, which was fused shut with volcanic glass.

Then God came out of the sky, and took a big poo-poo on the whole scene. God cursed VB with his eye, then left. This gave VB the screaming meemies. Similar to hiccups, in that they are involuntary...except every time your mouth opens, you begin to scream. Suddenly, Tumnus and Suncat were at Tumnus's cave, playing T & C Surf Ninny-Tinny game. VB was now trapped within the game, riding the skateboard. VB ollied onto an oil drum, then wiped out when his board landed in a patch of oil. This type of thing went on for hours, until they all grew tired of the game, and let VB out. Just to make sure that he would not be a threat to them anymore, they put him inside the Pitfall ATARI game, in the underworld, where the scorpion walked around. VB saw a giant diamond ring, and made a run for it. Then suddenly, Billy the Scorpole met him, and began to sting him repeatedly. Just before VB was going to die, Tumnus let him out of the game, sealed him in a bubble padded manila envelope, and sent him express mail to Afghanistan, where he sat for days until someone literate came by and saw the envelope sitting on a pile of UN relief food.

Now, Afghanis aren't the smartest people in the world, or even the smartest people in Afghanistan, some of the earlier letter handlers had tried opening the envelope to see what was inside and some tried eating the envelope. Luckily for VB, they had not succeeded, largely in part to their lack of teeth to bite through the bubble wrap. They had given up and eaten the flies that are always accompanying desert people (you know they're starving to death, but if they are covered with flies, so if they like, ate the flies - an inexhaustible food supply, they wouldn't starve! Give a man a fish and he will eat a meal, teach a man to fish, and you'll feed him a lifetime, I always say) VB's luck had not run out for The Great Tootski had taught the Afghanis to eat the flies and now they were fat, happy, and friends of VB - the most evil man on Earth. Usama Bin Laden was a pal of VB's so his name was already a household (or cavehold) name, unfortunately, the Afghanis had nothing really to offer him in the way of technology, for their country was so set back in time a Nintendo was beyond their skills to understand and out of the price range of the gross national product, but what a rich culture. Yeah whatever.

Suncat and Tumnus watched amused as DOS dialed in coordinates for their orbiting reconnaissance satellite and they watched as VB was surrounded and paraded around by the backwards fat, happy, and stupid people of Afghanistan who chanted his name in their language that sounded something like "icky-icky-f'tang zoo weep bong boo." Since he arrived in Afghanistan without a passport, it would be a long time before he was allowed to leave, and since the Taliban had advocated the destruction of everything of value, the only working nexus in all the countries that ended in "stan" was out of commission. VB had a long time to think about what coveting another's belongings got him... and a long time to think about how to pay back Suncat and Tumnus, WAIT! He still had the control for the wonder weapon! He pushed the button and the countdown commenced. 3, 2, 1, ignition, DOS whipped the satellite over the quarry just in time to see the rocket take off. After a quick scan Suncat seemed rather relieved, he explained it to Tumnus, who sat down and hacked into the missile controls, adjusting the course to take it right over the skies of Afghanistan. He adjusted the chemical composition of the payload and when it detonated, a huge pot smoke cloud formed over Afghanistan, stoning everyone and giving them the munchies like none other. They ate all the UN food relief, the relief workers, and all the flies. The next day they crapped it all out and were mad because there was not a scrap of food in the entire country. Afghanistan's sun had set as soon as it rose, and they were back where they started, the Stone Age.

THE END

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