The Tale of 7 Deadly
Sins: Story 3
Lust
Tumnus and Suncat
noticed the cow mounting the horse in the yard, and Suncat decided it was time
to work on more important things. "Hey want to play Nintendo?" asked
Suncat. Tumnus stared back blankly and seemed kinda down, and that bothered Suncat,
who liked to see everyone happy... well, he didn't like to see Tumnus down, we
will just leave it at that. He put down the Nintendo controller and picked up
his psychic brain probe and trained it on Tumnus, and quickly diagnosed the problem
as he listened to Tumnus' thoughts. Tumnus face was vacant, but his thoughts,
though childish, were loud and clear, "ME NO WANTY NINNY-TENNY, ME HORNY!"
Easy enough to fix, thought Suncat, he talked Tumnus into visiting one of the
homeboy's ladies, and not the bitch named Sadie. Soon, they were off like a whore's
pair of crotchless panties for Tumnus to satisfy his cravings.
"You
sorry BITCH!" screamed Suncat as his third Asteroids spaceship exploded.
The melodies wafted up from Suncat's Atari game as Tumnus tried to make the girl
understand, he didn't love her, he just gave her loving. As he felt the pressure
rise, he hit speed dial #4. Her phone rang, and Tumnus gave her a nod, "you
ought to get that." She picked it up, just as he fired his round, making
her eyes open wide. "Bye," he said simply, she heard it from him and
the phone simultaneously. He threw on some clothes and ran out the door like a
red assed ape running from poachers. "But, but, but." Suncat needed
to hear no more, he threw the Atari into his Batman duffel bag and was out the
door and waiting at the Tahoe like a panther, "Don't get upset girls, that's
just how it goes," started Suncat "I don't love you Ho's that's why
I'm out the do'," finished Tumnus. VB watched all this with envy in his eyes,
he never got laid, well, except for that one time Jamie dropped her keys down
the elevator shaft and wouldn't get out of the elevator until he gave it up. He
still cringed thinking about that. Tonight would be different, he was on a mission,
he would get laid, and no matter the cost he yelled to the walls. Little did he
know that he was being watched by SOT who was walking DOS. DOS was learning bowel
control, much to SOT's dismay. If DOS wouldn't crap in the elevator shaft, he
would. He pinched a quick loaf and radioed the Tahoe to reveal VB's plans. With
superior hacking skills, Tumnus logged onto a MSN messenger account as VB's online
sexchat girlfriend LittleMissMuff (LMM) and sent an invite to that night's KU
Queers and Allies drag party. He disabled the real LMM's account, and sent her
a virus to crash her computer. "Nice touch," remarked Suncat. They erupted
into laughter as they pulled over to pick up SOT and DOS.
…7PM...In the elevator shaft…
VB looked in the mirror, and sighed. He couldn't decide which way to part his
hair. Then, he had it. Using an entire can of Aqua Net hairspray, he would mold
his hair in the shape of a dildo. "I will get laid now," he said,
as he patted himself on the back. And VB did smile, and the mirror did break,
and his pet parrot named Poopy-lips did "caw", and God did sigh, all
in a mutha-fuckin summa's day. VB put on a red dress, some lipstick, and beefcake
pantyhose. "Where did I put those heels?" he thought, as he threw
an empty lipstick container across the room. Belial came out from under VB's
bed, and showed him up by throwing a headboard across the room...and then slowly
disappeared into the darkness that was under the bed. After perfuming himself,
he was ready to go to the party. "I hope I can find a worthy she-male"
thought VB to himself. Then suddenly, the sky opened up, and God came down from
the heavens, mad as a hatter. After a few tsks, he slapped the dress right off
VB, and dressed him up like a respectable young VB. As soon as God had come,
he was gone. The room was silent, all except for the sound of a cricket in the
corner. "Where was I" thought VB. No matter he thought, off to the
party.
Meanwhile, LMM (a middle aged man who had a taste for men) pounded on her keyboard
as the virus destroyed the file allocation table. Now, everyone knows that as
matter increases velocity, its mass decreases, well the opposite happened here,
there was a mass gain from the increase in electricity use as the hard drive spun
beyond its 5400 RPM limit, the gaining momentum and data loss took the form of
matter as it was a "ideal frictionless" device, much like those in physics
text books and the energy had to go somewhere, otherwise it would be perpetual
motion (which can't occur this early in the story, or in relation to such an insignificant
character). Anyway, the virus flew out of the computer and consumed LMM and broke
out of his torso in the form of none other than Vic Rattlehead, who was in the
mood to raise hell.
Simultaneously, VB, Suncat, and Tumnus entered the party. Suncat and Tumnus were
not in drag, hoping it would make the partygoers avoid them, but no such luck.
Within minutes, crowds of lesbians surrounded them and were telling them how they
didn't like men, until now. Suncat left Tumnus with them, and moved into position
to see VB's progress. VB was putting the moves on the only girl that wasn't swarming
Tumnus, no wait, it wasn't a girl, it was a guy in drag, and he was annoyed at
VB's thinking he was a woman. Tumnus led all the women outside and filled the
bed of the Tahoe with Jell-O. The girls rediscovered their sexual preference and
it was a lusty Jell-O wrestlemania for Tumnus' enjoyment while VB partook in the
sausage fest that was originally a party. As he realized there were no women in
the bar, the bartender put a drink in front of him. VB looked up as the bartender
said, "It's from friends," as he drained the Zima, he noticed that Tumnus
and Suncat were smiling at him as they walked by him and out the door. All the
gay dudes took notice of the penis shaped head drinking the Zima and gathered
around him to flirt. Suncat and Tumnus climbed in the Jell-O-encrusted Tahoe and
waited for VB, they didn't have to wait long because suddenly, Vic came out with
VB tied down tight on a circular wrack. Vic then turned into a large jar of Vicks
Vapor Rub, and said "Cha Chewy Chomp." VB giggled underneath his gag.
Then Vic left, leaving VB propped up against a tree outside. In his view, he was
forced to watch the group of Jell-O covered women lick Jell-O off one another.
SOT then quickly came riding in on a red wagon, pulled by DOS.
SOT
quickly build a contraption around VB, signaled to DOS that it was time to leave,
and as soon as DOS pinched off a final loaf upwind of VB, they were off, and disappeared
quickly over a hill. VB's eyes widened, as he saw what SOT had done. With a system
of rear view mirrors in front of him, he could see that they were literally rear
view mirrors. As a slight gust of wind cooled his buttocks, VB could see them
now in plain view. SOT had cut a hole in the back of the wrack, exposing VB's
butt. In addition, a pulley system with sensors was now attached to his manhood.
Behind him, were a bunch of sado-hermaphrodites armed with metal dildos of various
sizes and a jar of Anal Lube. VB's attention was drawn back to the Tahoe, where
several naked women began to call his name. "VB, we neeeeeed you," beckoning
him to come join them. "This is funny," said Suncat. "Indeed"
replied Tumnus..."My boy did good." "The 'dites are currently under
a force field, which will be turned off once VB's erection rises high enough to
hit the off switch." VB could not take his eyes off one particular woman,
who had really big juicy boobs. She began to rub them together, begging VB to
suck on them. VB closed his eyes and began to meditate on the nature of the 10,000
things in order to ignore the urge, but his concentration was broken when the
big boobed woman bent over and planted her nice round ass millimeters away from
VB's manhood. Tumnus and Suncat were recording the whole thing, and laughing.
Even Mark McGuire began to laugh, as they all enjoyed the scene, munching on triple
cheeseburgers. VB could no longer resist, and as his dick flipped the switch,
he instantly went flaccid as an infinite looping rerun of The Best of Mama's Family
was shown to him. The sado-hermaphrodites were just as appalled, they burst into
flames in an impressive display of sexually deviant spontaneous combustion (common
when watching Mama's Family.) 
All spit out their burgers in disgust, and Suncat cringed, "What is that
shit all about? None of those shows were good, how can there be a Best Of?"
He shot the TV to end the display, but no effect. He managed to shoot the volume
control button and jam it in. The volume was increasing at an unprecedented rate,
the shrill tone of Mama's voice threatening to deafen them all. He then switched
weapons and shot a ray of thick radiation doped energy at VB, who was morphed
into Mormel, a creature with haunting eyes and small cranial capacity. He instantly
broke his bonds and hauled ass towards the towns brothel, a scant three blocks
away. "Nice job," said Tumnus, "how are we going to keep the Mormel
from getting laid? He's irresistible to women." Luckily Mormel was only 18
inches tall, which made him easy to catch up to due to the small stride of his
run. Mark McGuire ran to GNC to pick up some legal muscle enhancers and the Duo
boarded the Tahoe. Suncat pressed a button and the Tahoe transformed into a '79
Ford Fairmont with two column shifters and an electric bench seat. "We'll
use the super-shifter for this one," said Suncat. Mormel turned to face the
Fairmont, and an internal battle raged in his tiny head: "Revenge or Muff,
Revenge or Muff, Revenge or," BOOM! He was knocked to the ground by the sonic
blast created by the Ron Manneth and Popeye Patterson Car of Death, brought from
the future to end the past. A skinless dingo announced the arrival with a howl
and was devoured by DOS, who aimed his ass at the Car of Death and shot a log
of crap at the speed of light towards it. Mama's voice continued to blare louder
throughout the town and glass began to shatter. Comets and meteors were raining
down on Earth, threatening life as we know it and St. Elmo's Fire was jumping
around the city like the end was near.
Tumnus surveyed the scene, and calmly asked DOS to sit down like a good dog. DOS obeyed, although he would much rather chase Mormel around the premises. Mormel was injured, and had to take five in order to regain some strength...enough strength to continue on his muff search. Tumnus was confused as to how a piece of poop could move at the speed of light. "DOS, come here boy" said Tumnus. What Tumnus discovered was literally out of this world. "Come look at this" said Tumnus, holding DOS's head still between his hands. Suncat came over, and looked into DOS's eyes. They might as well have been looking at the latest picture from the Hubble telescope, for what they saw, were millions of stars and galaxies. They had just come across an important and rare discovery...DOS was not an ordinary doggy...no. For in his brain, was the point of singularity from which the universe was born. Everyone gasped when they realized this, and suddenly, DOS stood up, on his hind legs.
As if by magic, DOS now was wearing
glasses and a suit. Utilizing a chalkboard Mormel brought, he illustrated the
nature of black holes, and how he was able to travel across Schwartzchild horizons
at will. The secret was in his ass....a true black hole. It is so smelly within,
that even though the gravitation is so strong, light cannot help but escape....because
if it didn't, the world would turn to poop, and we wouldn't want that. Mormel
then suddenly interrupted with a strange guttural noise, and his head opened up.
Out came a three inch tall Einstein. "Hello, my name is Albert Einstein",
he said to the group. Then suddenly, Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap entered the
scene, dressed like a woman. He curtseyed, spanked what was left of Mormel, called
him Charlie, then smiled. SOT quickly shot a column of mayo at him, killing him
instantly, and leaving behind a handheld device. "Excellent!" exclaimed
Suncat, as he pushed a button. A transdimensional nexus appeared, in the shape
of a door, and Al, Scott Bakulas friend, stepped through. "What now!"
he said angrily, dressed in Hawaiian shorts and sunglasses drinking out of a coconut.
Tumnus quickly killed him, and DOS, Tumnus, Suncat, SOT and Mark McGuire, who
until recently had been in the bathroom doing some major damage, jumped in. The
toilet exploded into a hail of shattered porcelain and rancid feces. Al's corpse
and the mini-Einstein shielded the husk that was the Mormel from the blast, but
as the heat of the explosion melted them and forced them back in the Mormel's
head and the Car of Death was engulfed in blue flames. 
"Kitty,
is there any signal as to which is ours?" "No. They are equally strong."
DOS struck a pose and pointed at an aperture, unfortunately, one that wasn't on
Kitty's device. "What do you think?" Suncat asked Tumnus. "What
the hell, let's do it." Diving through, they entered 304C, but something
was not right. The air conditioning was working, the fridge was stocked, and it
was clean and smelling nice. "I can handle these changes," said Suncat.
A couple of Hootchies walked in and led Tumnus to his room, "Me too,"
he replied as the door shut. A car crashed into the Laundromat and as Suncat looked
out the window, he saw Mormel morph into VB and run to the catacombs crying. The
car burst into flames and disintegrated, the campanile began to strike midnight
- a mere 30 seconds left in the day for VB to get laid.
...Back in 304C...
Suddenly, Kitty heard a noise. "Sounds like water running", he said.
They all walked cautiously down the hall, amid piles of pizza crusts, and stopped
at the bathroom door, which was closed. This is where the noise was coming from.
Kitty counted to 3, and bashed in the door with his head. He entered, as did
Suncat, and Tumnus. "What up wit da hootchies?" asked Suncat. "They
disintegrated," answered Tumnus. Their focus returned to what was in the
bathroom. It was Gabe, or what was left of him anyway, in the shower, the water
still running. He had been in the shower for so long, that a thick coating of
calcium and lime was on him. Kitty poked him with a piece of crust, at which
time it became obvious that Gabe himself had dissolved, and all that was left
was a thick white molding. "Interesting," thought Tumnus. "Did
you hear that?" asked Suncat. The front door shut...someone had came in.
They all entered the living room to see that it was DOS, the wonder-dog. DOS
was on his hind legs, and offered Suncat a scroll. A big black gob of something
then came out of DOS's ass. "What is that?" questioned Suncat. "He's
your dog" said Tumnus. The shell that was DOS fell to the ground. Indeed,
his life essence was in that glob, in some unknown form of matter. Within the
glob was a wristwatch, in stopwatch mode, with a countdown to something. Kinda
like a Mickey Mouse watch, but instead, it was a VB watch, with his right arm
indicating only 30 seconds left. Indeed, they now understood. In this universe,
all living entities have timers for all actions they will do. "So for example,
there is a wake up watch for me, that when it's time is up, I will wake up at
that time?" asked Tumnus. "Indeed" replied Suncat. "There
is a watch for every action. When I took a dump the other day, there was a dump
watch for me, and when the timer went off, my dump took place," said Suncat.
"Oh, I see! DOS went and stole VB's get laid watch...and took out the battery
with only a few seconds left. Even though the timer never went off, it's on
the brink of going off...its very existence still affects VB's karmic being.
To VB, he is always "almost" getting laid, but can never quite get
there, and this is the reason. Suncat took the watch, and put it in his pocket.
Then, the black goop went back into DOS's butt, and DOS was alive once again,
glad to have passed the watch, it was giving him pains.
"I have an idea" said Tumnus, and as he ran down the hall towards
the elevator shaft, everyone followed suit. Tumnus and Suncat entered VB's lair
from the elevator shaft, and caught VB in bed. Kitty accidentally hit his head
on VB's wind chimes, and alas, VB awoke. "What is this madness!" he
yelled. Suncat showed him the get laid clock, and VB lunged for it. Too late...as
snuggle bear swooped out of nowhere, took the clock and headed west to Popeye
Patterson's junkyard in Chase, KS. Everyone went outside, and Paul Hogan came
flying on by on a couple furry flying crocodiles. Tumnus, Suncat, DOS and Kitty
got on their flying crocs and headed west. VB had to drive the Ford Focus he
borrowed from Ron Maneth.
...At Popeye's...
"Aaah, what a nice day." said Popeye, as he woke with the rising sun.
The junkyard was alive with the sounds of roosters, turkey gobbling, dogs barking,
and ducks quacking. Popeye went outside to start his day with a stroll through
the premises, when he saw our heroes fly in on their crocodiles. Popeye stood
confused, scratching his neck. A scorpion was crawling up his ankle, but he
promptly shook it off, and stepped on it with his bare feet, smashing it into
the ground. Kitty offered Popeye some lemonade, and when he accepted, Kitty
went and pissed in a glass, which passed for lemonade. "Taste's just like
my wife makes" he said, as he drank happily. Just then, VB came speeding
down the road, kicking up all kinds of dust, and fishtailing his car. He finally
ended up crashing into the trees, where a refrigerator fell on his hood. Tumnus
and Suncat and crew all raced towards the sewerduck pond, and VB gave chase.
"He's biting" said Tumnus. "Indeed" replied Suncat. Tumnus
held in his hand, VB's get laid clock, holding precariously close to the sewer
pond. Then he dipped the clock into the pond, and pulled it back out. "Give
me that!" said VB, and as he lunged for it, Tumnus juked him, and VB fell
into the sewerduck pond. Tumnus then put a battery in the clock, and let it
run down to just a fraction of a second. As the clock ran, things changed rapidly
in front of them. By the time the watch was stopped, several species of animals
surrounded VB, all having boners. The magic of the sewerduck pond had modified
the workings of the clock, and now instead of being programmed for VB to get
laid by his own kind, he would now screw animals. Tumnus started the clock up
again, and the alarm went off. VB let out a loud "Nooo!" as he was
raped over and over again by sewerducks. Tumnus jammed the watch so that the
moment would last forever, and then threw the watch into a transdimensional
nexus in the trunk of a Granada. Popeye built a fence around the sewerduck pond,
made it into a park, and it soon became a tourist attraction, especially to
those from central KS. Tumnus, Suncat, Kitty, and DOS all laughed. Suddenly,
SOT's head poked up out of the trunk nexus. "Baaaaa" he said, summoning
them to come. Everyone jumped into the nexus, where they would go back to their
own time and see their work in the history books.
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