The Tale of 7 Deadly Sins: Story 4
An ger
 

Suncat and Tumnus laughed as VB begged to be released. Suncat thanked Tumnus for the compliments regarding the headgear but conceded that the sequined women's panties were all SOT's doing. As VB saw the begging was getting him nowhere, he drew his mouth into a frown and began to get pissed. Just like David Banner, he tried to remain calm, but as the rage washed over him like the incoming tide he felt himself lose control like the Incredible Hulk, but alas he was no Lou Ferrigno, and when he opened his eyes he was still VB on all fours dressed in some S&M stuff that Tumnus had discreetly stolen from Jaime's apartment. Suncat and Tumnus walked off laughing to get some breakfast, some breakfast burritos to be more accurate, some Burger King breakfast burritos to start their day the right way.

...In Burger King...

"Why does everyone always pick on me?" Arnie said aloud. Now furious, he righted himself. "Fuck the pain" he said, his eyes now glowing red with anger. "Tumnus and Suncat will pay", Arnie said through clenched teeth. Suddenly, SOT came flying through the restaurant on a skateboard, pulling a dead bird on a string behind him. "Oh no, there he is again!" screamed the manager, but it was too late. SOT had made off like a bandit with two cases of mayo, and like usual, no one was able to stop him. "I will get that little fuck, I swear. SOT....you are DEAD!" screamed the manager through the drive through window, and SOT disappeared over the hill. Arnie and the Manager decided that it will take all their resources to fight Suncat and Tumnus (and son). The Manager quickly pulled out his cell phone, and dialed up VB for help.

MC Everlast busted some quick rhymes as Tumnus finished their conversation by farting on the phone. "Man, that guy can really get on your nerves," he said to Suncat. Reaching into a microwave that he had turned into a transdimensional nexus, Suncat pulled out some triple cheeseburgers from the Burger King stocker. He had specially designed the microwave to connect to the Burger King fresh food bin, and that was why Burger King was always so damned slow - their food was always disappearing. He tossed one to Tumnus who devoured it as fast as a Nolan Ryan fastball. In reality, they only went to Burger King for a change of scenery and to set off stink bombs anymore, now that they had the mini-nexus microwave. To make the time go buy, Tumnus burst a stink bomb in a jar and threw it in the microwave, and the good people in Burger King did not get their way that day.

...6:49 PM, at the ????.....

Suncat and Tumnus swooped out of the sky with propeller rotors extending from their asses. After landing, the propellers retracted and they walked towards Mr. Chang's limo. "What?!? What the hell! I don't believe!" yelled Chang as they approached. "I know nothing, I here to get money." The approaching duo made no gesture to show that they understood or even heard. Suncat doused the limo in gasoline as the Tumnus riveted the doors shut. They walked off the edge of the pier just as VB walked onto the entrance. Suncat pushed a button on his watch and Chang's limo Burst into a fireball that burnt VB's hair. Suddenly, the pier smelled like burnt Crab Rangoon and a huge birdcage fell out of the sky landing around VB, capturing him. A SWAT team led by Mr. T flooded out on the pier like a tide of rats from a sinking ship. VB's cage was surrounded and Mr. T began his interrogation. In the heat of the moment, he ripped his own face off and suddenly VB learned that Mr. T was really the Burger King Manager. "Now maybe you will take me a little more seriously," he said to VB, who nodded. The manager was furious, frothing at the mouth, words making no sense just spewing blind fury for Suncat and Tumnus. VB was scared, but figured he would go along for the ride. The manager plunged a syringe of mercury into a nearby SWAT team member's jugular who dropped to the ground, dead before he hit. The manager started to laugh hysterically and VB was thankful for the cage around him.

Suncat, Tumnus, and crew watched from their lair. "Perhaps we underestimated him," Waldo started to say, "Some people are born to think, some people are born to do. Tumnus and I are both, which makes you neither in this situation," Suncat said as he tied a grenade to Waldo's head, zip tied his hands together, pulled the pin, and threw Waldo into the open nexus aperture. "Where's Waldo?" asked Tumnus.

"BAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed SOT, who obviously did not care. Beeker beed his agreement in between deep bong hits and staggered to the mini-nexus to get BK munchies to satisfy his stoned ravaging hunger. Somewhere in the depths of space-time a grenade went off and Waldo's remains sprayed out of VB's nexus control room in a wet heap on the floor. "BAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed SOT, who obviously did not care. Beeker beed his agreement in between deep bong hits and staggered to the mini-nexus to get BK munchies to satisfy his stoned ravaging hunger. Somewhere in the depths of space-time a grenade went off and Waldo's remains sprayed out of VB's nexus control room in a wet heap on the floor.

The manager grew eerily calm outwardly, but his eyes showed the madness inside. He spun around at the speed of light, and when then stopped promptly, dressed as Harry Potter. He waved his magical wand, and summoned up an instant lake effect snow band, 50 feet in width and infinitely long, with snowfall rates of 12 inches a second. VB began to shiver as the temperature plummeted, and the Manager stood still. Suncat and Tumnus were not quick enough to get out of harms way, and in 5 seconds, they were buried up to their necks in snow. The Manager then recited an incantation, and a whirlwind kicked up a tremendous amount of snow...it was a true blizzard of hate. The wind stopped as quickly as it had started, and standing there was the Big Fat Snowman, 20 feet tall...with a score to settle. The Manager was laughing as the snowman made it's way towards Suncat and Tumnus, who struggled to keep their heads above the snow level.

Then suddenly, out of the South, came a loud noise...it was Kittywampus and Son of Tumnus, riding along in their industrial sized snow blower. "I am always prepared" yelled Kitty....as he quickly cut a path to Suncat and Tumnus. They quickly hopped in, as the Snowman lunged for them. With a loud Baaaaaa, SOT pressed some buttons, which pointed a cannon filled with a supply of warm saline solution. The stream hit the snowman, and he screamed as he melted. Now bent over in excruciating pain, and melting fast, a giant icicle shot out of his ass, and just happened to hit the Manager. Tumnus likened it to a bee stinging his last victim before death. Screaming in pain, the Manager cursed all at the scene. The scene was suddenly quiet....the snow mostly melted, all except for a large blood stained icicle with a pair of glasses and a yellow striped scarf which lay on top. VB's cage disappeared, and so did he, into a crack on the beach that lead to the netherworlds. Everyone went home to relax by the fire and drink hot cocoa. Tumnus turned on the TV, only to see that a giant meteor hit the Earth in the gulf of Mexico. "We have two choices, either stay here and die, or jump into the nexus in VB's dwelling...but we don't know where that will lead" said Tumnus. They all agreed to take their chances, and hopped in. They landed in the netherworlds, and decided to pitch a tent where they landed. After smoking a few bowls, everyone sang some songs, and then pinched a loaf. It made the Gods of the netherworlds angry, and SOT began to Baaaaa.

The End... just kidding.

A loud booming voice behind them crescendoed "AAAHHHHHHHH FUCK IT!" They all turned around with eyes crimson with fury and souls black with hate, what they saw were skeletons, doing it doggy style. "Get a room!" yelled SOT, but wait, it wasn't SOT, it was Tumnus himself using ventriloquism to make it look like SOT was talking. SOT baaahed as Suncat caught on and as he saw what made the noise. Dick Clark, the ancient perpetual-hipcat and Dark Lord of the Netherworld was approaching. In a motion that combined catlike grace and three stooges physical comedy, Suncat depanted Dick Clark and threw him into a nexus that took him from the Netherworld to the Netherlands. Without the age-defying aura of the caverns, Dick Clark shriveled up like a mummy and was blew away in the cold Dutch wind. The crew golf-clapped for Suncat, who took deep bows and exited stage-right.

Tumnus and Suncat led the group through the netherworld caverns, towards the nexus hub. As they passed the little Netherworld gift shop, Tumnus remarked, "That place is so tacky, all they have there are T-shirts saying you've been here. Who needs that crap? Like I want a mug that says 'I've been to the Netherworld' - that will get me women." Suncat nodded and then they saw the hub on the horizon - a great erected stone circle with a bright skyward light emanating from the ground and rising up disappearing into the sky, AND it's guardian - the Double Chinned Vampire (DCV). Just then, Kittywampus busted out a campfire, marshmallows, and a flashlight. They roasted marshmallows and Kitty shined the flashlight up from below onto his face (achieving a very scary effect) and told them the Tale of the DCV. In a nutshell, the DCV only lives in the Netherworld and feeds on the liquefied fat of people who tried to enter the nexus hub. "EEEW, that is gross!" said SCSA as he walked up to the group. "MEMEME!" concurred Beaker, whose high was wearing off. "Good, we will all have to be at our peak to get by him," started Suncat, just then - on the far side of the nexus hub, headlights appeared and the attention of the DCV was caught.

He quickly caught VB by the legs and began to suck at his ass to get the fat out. VB began to run back out of the stone circle of the nexus hub, as he cleared the circle, DCV released his grip and shrieking, retreated.

"So he can't leave the circle," Suncat said, "that gives me an idea." He spoke with DOS briefly, who then stuck his ass in the circle, immediately drawing the DCV over. Just as he opened his mouth to bite, DOS ripped a cruel fart, burning the hair off the DCV's head. Suddenly, a skinless dingo howled, and the fart momentarily phased DCV. He quickly righted himself, wiped the black carbon off his face, and howled like a banshee that had just fallen into a vat of molten creamed corn. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see VB, fully cross dressed and wearing his sequined panties. DCV's scream startled VB, who was at the top of a nearby hill getting ready to enter the nexus that would bring him to the beginning of time. His high heels were not grippy enough, he rolled down the hill and he landed in DCV's domain once again, all dusty, heels broken. DCV lunged towards VB. It looked as though VB was doomed, when suddenly, everyone's attention was drawn to a nearby graveyard, where a vicious growling was heard. And then, a silhouette of a woman appeared. "Where are my heels?" she said, from within intermittent mist and fog banks. VB looked down at his feet, with a look of guilt on his face. VB had dug up her grave, and stolen the heels. VB coyly waved bye bye to everyone, and ran back up the hill, where he found his nexus was gone. Temporarily safe and hidden from the specter which was the woman with no heels, VB just sat down and watched the events unfold below him through his binocs.

...Back down below, in the circle of DCV...

DCV was frothing at the mouth, watching the woman slowly glide towards his domain. The woman waved her arms with a sexy motion, and caused everyone, except Suncat, to get a boner. Suddenly, Suncat shone the headlights of the nearby Tumnusmobile on the woman. DCV opened his mouth as wide as his mandibles would allow, and let out a silent scream. The woman was not anything he could eat...indeed, it was Eunice Kennedy (EK). As she approached, she stopped and looked at the heel-less high heels. Now very angry, she looked for someone to blame, and the glint from VB's sequined panties caught her eyes. She turned, but as luck would have it, her old-ass hip broke and she fell to the ground. Suncat chuckled as Tumnus used a remote control device to manipulate a blimp over the hobbled EK and drop a quart of H2S - pure stink bomb onto EK's head. Now very old, stinky, and hobbled, VB felt he could take her. He pulled his sequins up and straightened his cap and walked towards her as the DCV watched with baited breath.

Suncat and the crew quietly climbed into the Tumnusmobile as Tumnus slipped the transmission into neutral. He pushed the button forbidden to passengers, and the skies split open as the Fairmont tore through the clouds through a self made nexus. The Fairmont landed with a crash next to the Tumnusmobile and the two merged into TurboTimmy. Extending his arms into the sky he let out a metallic shriek that brought DCV, EK, and VB out of their trance. TT leapt towards EK and with razor sharp steel claws, he shredded her into strips no wider than finely cut grass clippings. DCV flew towards TT, and VB took advantage of the distracted heroes to flip a switch in his panties that activated magnets and stuck him to the leg of TT like a dog humping a leg. DCV was met mid air with a gun barrel that pinned him to one of the stone columns of the nexus hub circle and nailed him to it with tent stakes.

As TT scanned the area for VB, Suncat decided it was time to go. He extended TT's arms skyward and shot beams of neutrinos and photons together which destabilized the region. Tumnus then fired an intense radiation beam into the region and a nexus aperture opened. The Microsoft Sound (R) played as a voiceover asked "Where do you want to go today?" "MEMEMEMEEEE!" screamed Beaker just as the jump took place. Time slowed and gravity increased as the tremendous acceleration of TT took them toward the nexus. Beaker reached forward slowly, nearly giving himself a hernia as he deployed the wire net around the leg where VB had attached himself. The leg was ejected and VB fell screaming into the DCV circle, entering a random nexus aperture.

From the crater of the meteorite TT re-entered the earth's space-time, dissipating the heat and energy of the impact and saving the Earth from an extinction level event. The tsunamis, eruptions, and earthquakes stopped in their tracks as TT flexed and took in the kinetic energy to recharge his systems. A hum came from within as the energy was converted to matter and TT regenerated a leg. "Nice improvements," said SCSA, "energy conversion to matter, phase transformation, you know your shit!" Tumnus nodded and steered TT towards Kansas.

"There is one more thing to take care of," he started, "then we can break our arms patting ourselves on the back." The Manager watched, growing more furious by the second. Arnie stared in disbelief eyes crimson with hate blacker than the depths of space. They ran to the freezer where they entered their own Mechanimal, Frosty Ass the freezer-outhouse combo. Frosty Ass tore through the drive through wall and shot a column of soft-serve at TT. As it struck TT's outstretched arm, Tumnus realized it was not simply soft-serve, but the dreaded E-Kitty-Kennedy concoction. Off white in color, it consisted mostly of regurgitated Gerber formula, along with the mushed brains of neighborhood kitty kats, dissolved in a special toluene / formaldehyde solution to keep it fresh. Arnie had learned how to make such concoctions from the Anarchist cookbook, the same cookbook that taught Suncat and Tumnus how to mayopalm whole neighborhoods and put potassium chloride on customers French fries. "Doesn't seem like it's doing anything" said Suncat. No sooner than he had said that, Beaker began to MEEEE loudly, and jumped out of TT and writhed in pain on the ground. Tumnus pointed to Beakers head, which happened to get some E-Kitty on it. "I wonder what it does?" questioned Suncat...when suddenly, out of the blue, came Kittywampus on a flying trike. Swooping close to the ground, he made an air drop like a foreign aid plane in Afghanistan, and zoomed back into the sky. Tumnus unwrapped the package, and held up a book, describing the horror that E-Kitty solution inflicts when applied to living flesh. "It says here that the victim will experience endless torment, courtesy of the EK succubus. Beaker was being raped over and over again by evil EK spirits, the same ones who made the walking corpse possible.

Suncat and Tumnus promptly thought of a defensive maneuver....but wait, it was too late. Tumnus and Suncat watched helplessly in slow motion, as a wide column of E-Kitty sauce spewed out of FrostyAss. SCSA watched in horror, bracing himself, as the Manager and Arnie laughed inside the cockpit. Suddenly, the Ghost of Eunice appeared, and saved them from the E-kitty juice. She pointed a bony finger at Frosty Ass. "It is you who is to blame for my broken heels!" she said, as she began to drift up to the cockpit. "Nnnnnnooooooo!" screamed the Manager, but it was too late. Eunice began to kiss him, and made his small hands explore the continent of her skin. She promptly melted, a puddle of anger. Then, Arnie tried to escape by ejecting out of the cockpit, but about 10 meters above there was an invisible nexus, and it led into VB's toilet.

VB was just finishing washing up after a very long and eventful day, and sat down on the toilet to take a dump. All was going well, when suddenly, the bowl rumbled beneath him. "What the hell is going on...I thought I had that fixed...whoa!" said VB, as Arnie blasted VB right off his seat, along with several tons of raw sewage pumped in from D tower.

Tumnus and Suncat heard the scream and Tumnus got pissed. "Why is it, that every time I get a chance to watch Horkheimer, some idiot makes so much noise I can't even hear the TV?" Tumnus screamed out the window at the top of his lungs. He walked to his room and loaded his shotgun, and went into the bathroom to take a dump. When finished, he hooked up a rubber plunger cone to the barrel and fired the shotgun into the toilet forcing the shot and shit to fly out of VB's toilet. VB was shielded from the blast by Arnie, who became most definitely a closed casket type of guy. The manager had just finished vomiting, and was preparing to make his final assault on 304C. He picked up his gun, and savored his fury as it washed over him like a cold rain. He walked into the building and boarded the elevator with two ugly Asian girls, who got off the 2nd floor. "Lazy bitches," he muttered as they got off. Then, just as the door was shutting, they whipped around and slammed the doors shut with enough force to bring VB out of his shock and infuriate him. VB flew through the catacombs and tore the elevator from it's transfer system, thrashing it about wildly the entire time. Inside, the manager clawed desperately for a handhold and on the 2nd floor, Suncat and Tumnus threw the breaker to kill the lights and undisguised themselves. "I hate those costumes," said Tumnus. "Why is that? You look so good in it," Suncat replied with a wink. Laughing, they walked to their apartment where they toasted a few brewskies and laughed as VB unknowingly made the manager his bitch by the way of a long furious grudge-fuck far below in the dark maze of tunnels we call the catacombs.