VB looked at Suncat and Tumnus with haunted eyes
and said, "You suck."
The two looked at each other and
Suncat shrugged, "I think it's working, everything is in place." VB
continued, "You have made a mistake by sending us into the singularity.
We have combined and become more powerful than anything you can deal with."
Suddenly the projection vanished and the white noise stopped - all was silent.
There was a blinding flash of light as the rings collapsed (which luckily was
just below the threshold of Suncat and Tumnus' tolerance for blinding light)
and from the center of the collapsed structure were Gene Shallit and a hard-hitting
crew of former GBHS students, class of '93. The crew was hungry, and they started
devouring everything in sight, starting with the Burger King that Tumnus and
Suncat had just dined in earlier. "Dude, their stomachs should be full,
no one can eat like that!" Suncat said. Tumnus replied, "They didn't
even bother unwrapping the food, it's like they have hollow legs where it all
goes." Then the crew began inducing each other to vomit, and they started
to eat again. Soon, all that remained of the once proud Burger King food bin
was a chewed and undigested pile of food on the floor. The crew returned to
Gene's side and he said, "We will continue this gluttonous pattern until
all Burger Kings are void of food, unless you meet our demands." The crew
groaned in unison and beat their chests with their hands. "What are your
demands?" inquired Kittywampus, to which Gene simply said, "You will
see." Their new enemies climbed into a large station wagon and drove off
at an incredible speed. SOT attempted to shoot a column of mayo at the departing
villains, but they swerved to hit a skunk and the mayo sheared off the roof
of a Cadillac.
Suddenly, God, who was very hungry, opened his mouth, devoured the whole scene,
and spit them out in the middle of the Great Basin. Suncat and Tumnus were shell-shocked.
"Wow, it was remarkably comfortable within God's mouth," said Tumnus,
to which Suncat replied "Quite." Tumnus looked off in the distance
to see the station wagon pulling kitties and kicking up massive amounts of dust.
Suncat looked down at his feet, to see a puddle of mayo, and quickly gobbled
it up. "Yuck!" said Tumnus, to which SOT Baaaed very loudly. "Enough.
Let's find out what the fuck to do now," said Suncat, who until recently
was famished. They decided to sit down and think. "I wish God would have..."
Tumnus was suddenly interrupted as a soaped-up ford Fairmont with a trunk full
of food appeared in front of them. "Oh, very nice" said Tumnus. They
all got in, and quickly put the pedal to the metal.
SOT
turned on his homemade homing device, which accurately showed the location of
Gene and crew. "I secretly attached a transmitter to the underbelly of
the station wagon while they were ransacking Burger King," said SOT, with
a series of Morse code Baa's. "I know where they're going," said Suncat,
pointing at the Burger King billboard. Suncat began to speak... "We must
get there before they do, for two reasons. First, innocent people will die"
Tumnus chuckled. Suncat continued... "Second, I'm fucking starved."
"Right on" said Tumnus while SOT chimed in with a patented Baaaa of
approval. "Look, there they are"! Exclaimed Kittywampus, popping out
of the trunk into the back seat...holding a veritable horn of plenty. "I
forgot, God gave us food," said Suncat. "No time to eat now. Look,
they're pulling over," said Tumnus.
Our heroes in the Fairmont pulled over stealthily, behind a tree. They watched
closely through binoculars, as the plot thickened (like Malt-O-Meal without
enough milk or water). Suncat just couldn't hold the mayo down anymore and he
barfed it in a shallow grave and buried it with some leaves. Just then, the
bobble-headed Arnold girl devoured a case of butter sticks. Unable to keep it
down, she barfed it onto the slushy drink machine, which churned it into the
frozen cherry mix - truly a nasty concoction as the butter solidified. Amazingly,
the others lost their appetites, and Gene looked at his watch nervously. It
was one of those watches every kid wanted and thought was really neat back in
1985, you know one of those calculator watches kids thought would let them cheat
on math. Well, anyway, he eyed it nervously.
Just then, as if by some evil choreography, Dust mite Bob (DB) came into town
riding on an elephant's back with the sunset behind him. Dust mite Bob was something
like a children's tale similar to a combination of the Tooth Fairy and Johnny
Appleseed, except instead of collecting fallen teeth and spreading apple seeds,
he sprinkled dust mites and lice and collected human skin. He was attempting
to gather enough skin to create a person like Dr. Frankenstein did, and the
skin-being (or Skinny as DB liked to refer to him) would be his companion wherever
he spread his mites. Skinny was seated just behind DB and wobbled side to side
(much as you would assume a mannequin made of human skin would) as the elephant
strode into the Burger King parking lot. Gene looked up and screamed "You
can't, you promised!" but it was too late as DB threw a handful of mites
and lice into Gene's lovely black mane. A barely audible Baaa came from a shocked
SOT, and Tumnus said, "Let's rock and roll beeotches!"
They leapt to their feet and charged the Burger King. SOT was in the lead, and
DB saw him coming. He threw a handful of mites and lice at SOT, who was shooting
a column of mayo at him. The mites caused a reaction within the mayo and splattered
on Skinny, who began to twitch. Clouds gathered in the sky as Skinny came to
life. He molted the outermost layer of skin, and emerged skinless (ironic considering
he was made from skin) in the form of a dingo. He pointed his head skyward and
howled as a time-nexus opened in the sky above him. He leapt into the past and
appeared in Suncat and Tumnus' past, always howling and rarely being seen. For
some reason, the mayo-mite had made him an anomaly in space-time as his lifespan
traversed against the flow of ordinary time. As Skinny went through his life,
he appeared further and further back in the Earth's history. This was the first
time in Skinny's life that Tumnus and Suncat had seen him, but in the lives
of Suncat and Tumnus, it would be their last chronological time they would see
him as the encounters were diverging in their own respective flows of time.
Things were becoming more clear on the skinless dingo, but alas, he would never
be seen again as he did not exist in the Earth's future, only in it's past.
As this was all going on taking the
attention of everyone, Tumnus walked to Suncat and handed him his order, luckily
it had distracted the crew from eating and DB from scattering mites long enough
for the duo to enjoy a hard-earned meal, a veritable feast fit for kings. Try
though they would - there was too much food to eat. "Much better than just
mayo," Suncat said. "Yeah, I'll bet," replied Tumnus. They threw
their wrappers in the clearly marked 'Don't Litter' containers and commenced
an ass-whipping of epic proportions, however the tide of the battle started
to shift in the favor of DB, licey Gene, and the crew until something very unlikely
happened. A huge loaf of elephant shit fell on the service counter and the cashiers
got silly. "BICKEN! WHOOOP-dee-dee-dee, I fahted" yelled one of the
fry cooks as he split in halves and morphed into Terrance and Phillip. The lead
drive-thru attendant, Billy Paden grabbed Terrance and strangled him cruelly
while deep-frying Phillip bare handed, bubbles coming from his ass the entire
time. Blackbeard the pirate (asst. manager) came out and shoved his peg leg
thigh deep up Gene's ass and out his abdomen - but the real surprise was yet
to come... The Earth shook violently, as a fissure opened in the drive-thru
lane, making everyone run outside to see what was going on. The fissure, initially
just 100 feet long and four inches wide, suddenly went nuts and the Earth split
in two...but the halves were only about three feet apart.
Billy Paden, ignorant of what was going on and searching aimlessly for a first
aid kit, fell into the crack. Tumnus and Suncat quickly rushed to the threshold
to see what would happen. Kittywampus, who was across the street making a mess
of Hardees, quickly arrived, telescope and floodlight in hand, so that they
would be able to watch Billy fall. "You are so prepared!" exclaimed
Suncat, as he gave Kitty a high five. "I always wondered what would happen
in this situation," said Tumnus.
...In the Earths mantle...
The profoundness of the situation helped Billy's burn pain to go away, as he
now had bigger problems to think about. Billy could feel himself accelerating,
and after the first few minutes began to wonder if he was going to hit bottom.
The temperature was getting unbearable, and strange smells filled the air. Suddenly,
Billy stopped dead in his tracks, and hovered in mid air. Due to unstable situation,
a temporary updraft of stinky Earth mantle air was suspending him. Billy took
the opportunity to take several samples from the wall in front of him, and Suncat
dropped him some lab equipment and a walkie-talkie. "I'm detecting large
amounts of magnesium and iron, along with some Silicon," reported Billy.
"Excellent, that is what we would expect " replied Suncat. Then, the
draft disappeared, and Billy continued his fall.
While all this was going on, DB
and Gene had climbed on the roof, and were about to jump on Suncat and Tumnus.
"One, two, JUMP!" yelled Gene, who unfortunately for him alerted the
duo to their presence. Suncat and Tumnus both sidestepped to their right, away
from the crack in the nick of time, and Gene and DB landed on their faces, just
inches from the crack. "Run normal to the crack!" Yelled Kitty...as
a sudden updraft from the other side of the Earth sucked both Gene and DB into
the crack, and they began to fall towards the center of the Earth. Skinny, coming
back was menacing Kitty, so Tumnus grabbed him by the neck, tied him to a flagpole
and hoisted him high above the Burger King parking lot, where he would spend
the rest of his existence flapping forever in the strong Kansas winds. "Fuck
the fucking wind," said Tumnus. "I haven't heard a report from Billy…I
think the walkie-talkie is dead" said Suncat. Indeed, Billy had burned
up in the outer core of the Earth. The manager quickly came out, in mourning.
"The last words I heard him say were...were... 3400 degrees C...liquid
Sulfur, aaaaaahhhhhhhh" said the manager in between sobs. "Uh, guys,
you better come see this," said Kitty, handing the telescope over the Suncat.
As soon as Gene's hair had burnt up, DB de-evolved into a giant dust mite, and
ate him.
Then, Tumnus pushed the pause button on the VCR. "Dude, what the hell
are you doing?" Suncat demanded, "I was watching that!" Tumnus
without any explanation went to the kitchen and returned with an entire strawberry
pie, "I was hungry." Suncat leaned to his side and farted in Tumnus'
general direction to show his displeasure. Tumnus then proceeded to eat nearly
the entire pie, even though halfway through he was very full. "What a waste,"
said Suncat as Tumnus wiped his strawberry-covered fingers on the couch pillow
and flipped it over. He took the last piece of pie and dumped it out the window,
saying "Fo' mah homies." Just then SOT ran into the living room, Baaahing
nonsense and holding a newspaper clipping. Suncat took it from SOT and read
it, it was Popeye's obituary (insert link to obituary.html). He wiped a tear
from the corner of his eye. Tumnus held his hand over his heart and said, "That
pie was for you Popeye." "Hey asshole, put the tape back on."
"Oh, OK," click.
The split in the Earth centered in the Great Basin followed 115°W of Greenwich
and on the flip side, the 75°E meridian. The only thing holding the hemispheres
of the Earth together and preventing them from flying apart was a steel rod
at the core. The crew sauntered up to the crack and Tumnus and Suncat were able
to knock them all over the edge. Screaming, they fell, accelerating at 9.8m/s^2
until they impacted the rod at the center of the Earth 6371km below at close
to 28,400kmph (17,670 mph). Licey Gene and DB were all that were left, but they
had tricks up their itchy sleeves, tricks in the shape of.... living evil marshmallow
PEEPS! Yes it was true, the center of the Earth was filled with marshmallow
Peeps, which broke DB's fall and when consumed gave him strength like Popeye
eating spinach. Once powered up, DB leapt back to the surface, his natural armor
protecting him from the heat. He then regurgitated Gene back up in tact, as
he knew Gene would surely die at such high temperatures. Once Genes scalp, which
had been until recently incubating in high heat, felt the cool midnight air,
his hair instantly grew back, and with a vengeance. The moon was full, the planets
were aligned. "It is time to report back to the Dark lord" said DB.
Gene nodded, and soon they were off like a dust mite with a firecracker up it's
ass to the dark lords castle atop Mt. Washington. Tumnus and Suncat knew where
they were going, and followed cautiously.
....Enter Scene at the Castle, with thunder, lightning, and torrential
rains...
Oh wait there was only rain,
the thunder was the Earth pulling itself together and the lightning was from
the spotlights focused on Suncat and Tumnus. "Man, I wish those lights
were off, it is going to be hard to sneak up on them like this," said Tumnus
JUST AS the lights dimmed. "Happy now?" asked Suncat. "Quite."
The mechanism that pulled the Earth back together was built by some of Great
Bend's finest hydraulic experts whose biggest job prior had been a really trick
convertible Impala with a dancing hardtop. High fives were exchanged and the
hydraulic guys went back to their van to get baked.
Anyway, it was still rainy. "Funnel cakes, get your funnel cakes here!"
"Mmmmmm that sounds good," said Tumnus who bought one for himself
and one for his son. The funnel cake vendor was sold out, packed up and went
home for the day. Though well intentioned, SOT's funnel cake never got to him
as Tumnus snarfed them both down in a jiffy (1/100 of a second) Amazingly this
required radial acceleration equal to 5000*PI rad/s^2 and an instant stop at
his mouth, tangentially the ramifications were impressive as at the point of
the instant stop his hand, we will assume 1/10 of 1 jiffy was the time it took
to stop, so the velocity of 18300 ft/s (mach 16.8 at sea level which the base
of Mt. Washington is close to) divided by the time it took to come to a complete
stop was 18300/(1/10) or 183000ft/s^2 (~125,000 mph). "Chicka Cherry Cola!"
Tumnus' headphones were audible over the heavy rain, but nothing was getting
done - much to Suncat's dismay.
"We need a plan, this is just out of control," said Suncat. Everyone
nodded agreement and soon the plan's framework was laid. The castle loomed atop
Mt. Washington like an irritated hemorrhoid atop an anus. Gene and DB were inside
gorging themselves on the Dark Lord's food. A TIE Fighter flew in from the south
and landed inside the compound and the pilot was heard singing over Tumnus surveillance
equipment…"and a TIE fighter in the docking bay." The posse (made
up of Tumnus, SOT, Kitty, Suncat, and DOS) stormed the walls and was through
the yard like a sheep running from Subway's Jared. One by one and holding breath,
they filed into the castle from a bathroom window left open by DB. Drawing their
light sabers, they stormed the parlor where the Dark Lord, DB, and Gene were
basking in gluttonous afterglow. But wait, that was all just a hologram....the
villains were in some other room, and the members of the posse were left alone
with their thoughts. "Look at that beautiful tapestry" remarked Tumnus,
pointing at the wall. Suncat took it down and stuffed it in his duffel bag "It's
mine now" he said, when suddenly, The wall fell down, and 10 gluttonous
double chinned vampires (DCV's) lunged for his throat, chanting, "that
is our tapestry, that is our tapestry." "Quick, get rid of it"
said Kitty, who had prepared for the assault on the castle by reading up on
it's history, which included such lore as DCV's. Suncat dumped the tapestry,
and in milliseconds the DCV's converged, and began to rub themselves against
it's soft, satiny velvet. "That should keep them for a while" said
Kitty. Suncat, Tumnus, Kitty, and DOS all barked loudly, as God said "Whoop
dee dee dee!"
...In the mess hall...
"Pass me another one of those chickens," said DB, who enjoyed eating
them alive. Gene, DB, and the dark lord all sat Indian style around the table,
on Chinese pillows meant for sitting. While the Dark Lord and DB were busy consuming,
Gene sneakily grabbed his light saber, and snuck up behind the Dark Lord. He
tapped the Dark Lord on the shoulder, and when he turned around, cut off his
head. Gene ripped off the lords helmet and put it on. "Now, I am lord"
he said, raising his arms to the sky. "The POWER is MINE!!!!!!! hahahahahahah"
he laughed. DB ate the remains of the Dark Lord, and then, a loud banging was
heard over in the DCV room. "What is that? Intruders! Go get them"
said Gene, who summoned four elemental beings, Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water,
to dispose of the intruders. "After they are gone, we can continue with
out plans to bring eternal darkness to the world" said Gene to DB. "And
not to mention, open presents! Oh yes my dear Dust mite friend, it is Christmas
time!"
Indeed, it was. The castle was decorated with all kinds of holly, mistletoe,
and various Christmassy nick-nacks. In the main room, was a roaring fire, complete
with three big stockings hanging from a stony mantle. DB ran over and emptied
the Dark Lords. "Hey what are you doing?" asked Gene, who had forgotten
about the lords untimely death. "Oh yes, carry on," he said. Meanwhile,
the elementals had all departed, seeking the death of the intruders.
...Back in the DCV chamber...
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" said SOT, pointing a the doorway. The four elementals
were there. Earth, a conglomeration of dirt in the shape of a man, Water, a
giant bubble of liquid, Wind, a tornado, and Fire, with flames taken from the
crematory in Georgia. "SOT, what are you doing?" said Tumnus, as he
watched his son run towards the door. SOT pointed above the doorway, where a
mistle toe was hanging. The elementals had no choice but to kiss. Wind kissed
Fire, which made it ever hotter, but Water kissed Fire which put it out. Earth
jumped all over what remained, making a large pile of mud. "BAAAAAA"
said SOT. "Well done son" said Tumnus, among claps from Kitty and
Suncat and a bark from DOS. "They are trying to escape" said Tumnus.
"Quick, to the docking bay" said Tumnus.
...At the docking bay...
Gene ran in and saw his new TIE fighter all wrapped up in a yellow ribbon,
just like he had wanted. Oh what a good gift! Gene was so excited he drew fists
and pulled his arms towards himself and yelled "YES!" There was nothing
there for DB who was all of a sudden, very disappointed. Gene kicked him in
the balls and sent him packing like the sorry bitch he was. Tumnus saw his chance,
and he took it. "Funnel cakes, get your funnel cakes here!" he yelled.
Gene turned around and bought one, not thinking it strange at first that a funnel
cake vendor set up shop in his docking bay. Tumnus was wearing a blue and white
striped Train Engineer's coveralls, but Gene was awfully clever today. He swallowed
slowly trying to figure out Tumnus, he seemed so familiar. By the time he figured
it out, it was too late. Suncat swooped from the coop and Tumnus promptly turned
into a bicken. Kitty smelled his Fancy, but SOT wasn't in the docking bay anymore,
he was in the TIE fighter doing a keg stand. On his 3rd funnel cake, it dawned
on him "SUNCAT!" Tumnus looked up with genuine surprise, he had no
idea Gene was so stupid, but it was too late for Gene now, the mayo and THC
laced funnel cakes were kicking in, and hard! SOT mooned Gene from the cockpit
of the fighter and set the ignition sequence. "SOT, you know you are not
old enough to drink!" scolded Tumnus. "Baaaa" replied SOT, dropping
the stein from his hand. "Now go sit in the back of the Tie Fighter, you
are in no condition to......ahhhh" Tumnus was interrupted, as Gene put
him in a full nelson, ravenously hungry. Alas, Gene was no match for Tumnus'
strength, as Tumnus reached behind himself, picked up Gene and proceeded to
execute with precision what moves Stone Cold Steve Austin had taught him years
ago. In no time Gene was on the floor in pain, but laughing, and eating funnel
cake crumbs. "This guy is out of control" said Suncat. SOT, who found
a canister of Tie Fighter Fix-A-Flat under the front passenger seat, downed
it like Lewinsky on Clinton, and chased it with the rest of the keg beer to
kick it in the ass. DOS put on his aviator glasses and took over the cockpit,
barking that we were to follow plan A. "What was plan A again?" asked
Tumnus...Kitty answered "Plan A is, "If the Earth's crack becomes
too unstable, then we shall leave the planet before it disintegrates."
"Oh ok." said Tumnus. "What should be do to Gene?" asked
Kitty. "I know just the thing" said Suncat.
A few minutes later they were ready to leave. DOS barked a command to open
the Docking Bay door. The scene outside was frightful, the Earth was cracking
everywhere, and the atmosphere was going nuts, seemingly getting sucked eastward
towards the main crack. "I can't breathe!" yelled Gene, who was tied
to the back of the tie fighter with a rope. "Don't worry, it won't matter
in a few minutes" said Tumnus, and with that , they swooped out the docking
bay. "We're at full power already, I don't know if we will be able to make
it." said DOS. Tumnus smiled, and flipped a switch that changed the engines
over to plasma/Swiss cake roll power...needing no oxygen at all. The crew blasted
towards the Earth's crack, which was now a violent mixture of matter, and in
fact, opening the largest of Nexus's. Tumnus nodded to SOT, as he cut the rope,
and Gene fell screaming into the Crack Nexus. "We shouldn't have to deal
with him anymore...let's leave. Next stop, the anti-universe" said Suncat.
Everyone clapped as the villains had been destroyed, but they forgot that Earth
was a precious place and was supposed to be saved. "Oh well, we can always
reverse the anti-universe...but it will be very dangerous" said Tumnus.
"That, will be our quest, to travel to the anit-universe, and figure out
how to reverse it." "I imagine we'll need the help of the Lord"
said Suncat. "I thought we didn't have a lord?" said Kitty. "Never
mind it doesn't matter. Looooook!"
In the sky was God. He began to speak. "Over the next ten days, each of
you will undergo a test, a straightening by fire. If you are worthy, you will
succeed, and the anti-universe will be reversed." "If not, you shall
spend eternity in hell, and the universe will belong to Satan" said God.
"What is the test, oh Lord?" asked DOS in Morse code barking. "The
Ten Commandments, you shall not break them. Your wills will be tested…each
day you will be tested on a different commandment. Satan will temp you to break
it, but you must not" Your crew will include Tumnus, Suncat, Kittywampus,
DOS, and SOT. You may choose one more member, but choose wisely, as you have
only once choice. You must choose this new member on the Eve of the first day."
Are the commandments in any order? How will we know which one to be careful
of?" asked Suncat. "Know them all, know them well, obey them, and
all will be well. And I'm out, beotches" said GOD.
"Ok guys, we've landed on AntiEarth. We've got a big day tomorrow, picking
out the 6th member of the group. After tomorrow, the next 10 days will be hell,
but I think we'll manage. Tumnus handed out bibles to everyone. "Study
up, if anyone of the original five fails, we all fail. It doesn't matter what
the 6th man does, he's just there to help out, and not bound by any law. Now
get some sleep" And with that, they all went to bed.
