Suddenly, Bob Barker awoke from his sleep. He was just about to yawn, when he realized he was not alone. Ten thousand spiders poured out of his mouth and onto his bed. He had slept with his mouth open, a certain invitation for spiders. He shrieked, and turned into Usama Bin Laden. Bin laden rubbed his eyes vigorously, took off his turban and sat himself down in front of his TV, just in time for the opening bell. The microwave dinged, and a servant brought him a Swanson Hungry Man TV dinner, complete with three pieces of chicken, corn, mashed potatoes, and cherry cobbler. "Ahhh, a meal fit for a king" thought Bin Laden. "Hey, where's the chocolate cake?" questioned Bin Laden. Furious, he turned himself into a bear and ripped his servant apart. Then, he made some feces brownies out of the servants shit. "MMmmm, good" said Bear Laden. Then, he jumped through the TV screen, and emerged on the floor of the NYSE.

Then suddenly, he got a blister. Damn it hurt, he sterilized a needle, and popped it, and tore off the skin. "DOH!" he exclaimed as he realized he hadn't let it rest for a few days before popping it, you never pop a fresh blister! Now furious and in excruciating pain, he leapt through the glass that separated the trading floor of the exchange from the observatory floor, just as the big board was beginning to rally. The rally stopped dead in its tracks as the bulls momentum shifted to the bear and Bear Laden began to short stocks like it was going out of style. He closed his sales thousands of dollars up on the day, and decided to have some fun. Just then, the Honeynut Cheerios Bee showed up, and everyone knows nothing tempts the tummy like a drop of golden honey, and try though he did, Bear Laden was hooked. The Honeynut cheerios bee (HCB) led him to the secret NYSE entrance to the Jayhawker towers. There he shoved the big bear-assed creature into a big paper bag that he had been storing farts in forever, and wrapped a twisty-tie around the top, as to deny Bear Laden any chance for escape. The bee then morphed into its natural form, that of Vatorbutt (VB)and laughed at his own cleverness. He celebrated by tazering bear laden and kicking an albino prairie dog-badger mix that morphed into a dingo-wallaby mix, skinless of course, which promptly tucked its tail between its legs and ran off to hide.

The Shmoo awoke from his sleep, and sat his inflatable "female roommate" on the floor. He pulled the a 64 ounce presto-cup bong from out of the bathroom ceiling and got high as a kite. Thirsty as all hell, and with enough munchies to die from, he ran to 304C where he stole Frenchman made deli sandwiches and devoured them with a vengeance. He then ran to the elevator shaft and took a massive pressurized power-dump into the shaft, spackling the walls with stinky remnants of the previous nights buffalo wings and cheap beer. "VB wont be happy," he thought, as he wiped his ass on a Doozer and threw it into the shaft. Laughing, he walked home and jumped into his custom-made hibachi-grill slash mechanical armadillo and began to drive to Patrick Duffy's house. Steve Irkle appeared on the sidewalk and the Shmoo was quick to mow him down with a Tommy gun before asking any questions. Whatever Irkle knew, it was not worth the time consuming and tortuous conversation it would take to get the info out of him.

Suddenly, out of Irkle's dead body, like a phoenix from its ashes, rose Charlie the Tuna, Charles Barkley, and Charlie's Angels. They miraculously coalesced into a gelatinous form with no real shape, and moved towards the Shmoo, who stared in amazement. The gel enveloped Shmoo and absorbed him into itself. It quickly spun a cocoon around itself and moments later, the fibrous shell burst open. Standing there in a dissipating mist was none other than Slim Goodbody.

"Hello everyone", waved Slim. Then, Son of Tumnus appeared (SOT), and ripped out Slims intestines. SOT then quickly pulled a bowl out his ass, and made some delectable stuffed intestine on a stick treats. He force fed them to Slim, and kicked him in the balls. Doubled over in pain, SOT could now reach Slim's head. He scalped him, made Indian sounds, and ran off, never to be seen again. Then suddenly, SOT appeared again. No wait, it was only a hallucination. Slim had lost a lot of blood, and the summer heat was beginning to make fast decay of his exo-organs. Then, it hit him. Slim was not outside at all...he was inside a pressure cooker, owned by Vatorbutt.
"Hahaha" laughed VB, wearing a chef's hat. He then turned up the heat, which raised the temperature inside the cooker to over 6000 degrees Kelvin...nearly hot enough to melt Tungsten. Then, just before Slim was about to perish, VB took off the lid and pulled slim out. Only the size of a Barbie doll, Slim was helpless. VB let out a ferocious groan, and then bit off Slim's right foot at the ankle. Slim screamed in pain, pleading for his life, but VB was just beginning. Slim was so scared he pissed his pants, and it got on VB's hand. Furious, VB shook Slim violently, and threw him against a brick wall. He then woke up the unconscious Slim by pressing his face against a red hot burner. Slim screamed a blood curdling scream. The skull was now exposed on the left side of his face, and bleeding profusely. VB then cauterized the wound with foul smelling fish sauce from Cambodia. After careful examination, VB found that Slim was still alive, as he could see his heart beating. VB decided to put him out of his misery, so he slammed what was left of Slim on the floor and crunched the body under his boot heel. Then, Tudor came into the room, video camera in hand. "I have the whole thing on tape, VB...you will not get away with this", and he quickly ran the tape to the authorities.

...In the courtroom...

"VB, you stand accused of torturing Slim Goodbody." "How do you plead?" said the judge.

VB pulled a tricycle with razor blade wheels out of the judges ass and rode it over the jury. In a fury, he rode through the stands decapitated heads did roll, and he leapt off the trike just in time to catch and skin the bailiff, and cram himself inside the skin cavity. he then escorted the heap of flesh that was the bailiff out of the courtroom in a wheelbarrow. He dumped the body in a drinking fountain and scurried down the hall fast as greased lightning. He then popped the trunk of a conveniently parked ford Fairmont and cast fairy dust inside. soon the trunk began to swirl as a wormhole through time and space opened before him. Pedestrians were screaming as he leapt in, closing the door behind him, and he entered the transdimensional nexus, disappearing from sight as the hole closed behind him. When he emerged, he was in a familliar place, his beloved catacombs. Ah, good to be home, that was until he saw a shitstained Doozer atop a pile of feces fit for a display as a world record. Noooooooooooooo! he yelled at the top of his lungs, and flew to the nearest elevator shaft. He shook the car furiously to vent his rage, then went back below to clean up the mess. He turned on the TV and sat down to a heaping helping of pizza rolls and plotted...he always thought better over pizza rolls. He had it, a grand plan to make them pay, he swore, Suncat and Tumnus would pay.

Meanwhile Fred Sanford was buttfucking his prisoner Notorious B.I.G. who's death he had faked, when suddenly in walked Paula from the guard shack. She ran up to the dead rap star and proceeded to ream his virgin ass out. Then, Fred was about to stick his pecker in Paula's wide open asshole, when suddenly, the north wall exploded. In the dust stood the dead bailiff. He was now a zombie. Fred, Paula, and Biggie all stopped what they were doing. The zombie ate them all. Then, he sat down on the bed and smoked a cigarette. "Oh, woe is me..." said the zombie, when suddenly, in walked Jon Bennett Ramsey (JBR), with no eyeballs and puppy dog tails for arms. "Hahaha, I will eat you ! " she screamed. The zombie, petrified with fear, ran for his life, but it was all in vain, as JBR lunged for him, and in one fell swoop, compressed the zombie into a little Quaker rice cake. "Put a Quaker rice cake in my hand" she screamed. Suddenly, Wilford Brimley waltzed in, along with two ponies. Wilford also had no eyeballs. "Come on, we have work to do" he said. JBR and WB both mounted their respective ponies. "Giddy up!" they screamed in unison. The ponies sprouted roller skates, fire came out of their asses. Then they were off to wreak havoc.

They got onto I-70 and headed west. They took the Great Bend/Ellsworth Exit, and stopped at the Texaco station. They went inside and made some sandwiched out of what they could find. Then, they went outside, and soaked the food in gasoline. WB went back in, and offered it to the worker. "What they hell are you doing?", he said.

Meanwhile, JBR was taking all of the pumps of the hook, and had them spewing gas everywhere. Some old people in an RV were spying on JBR, when she noticed. "Hey, you can't look at me!" she screamed. Laughing, she floated towards them, and stole their eyes. She went back into the building, and gave WB a pair. To be fair, they each had a man and a woman eyeball. The worker was dead, and covered in apple cinnamon oats. They got back on their ponies, and positioned themselves in the middle of the now three inch deep lake of gas. Over and over they chanted..."Put a Quaker rice cake in my hand!", so loud, that everyone in the world could hear it. Then, lightning struck them, and they were now aflame. All it did was make them sing louder, and rock too and fro.

Then suddenly, Tumnus and Suncat zoomed down from the heavens in their flying Tumnusmobile, and VB leapt out of a storm sewer wearing nothing but a smile. Mike "Your Friend" Stifter also appeared on his minibike, along with Tudor, who was wielding a Laura Arnold head on a stick. A giant fissure opened up underneath the gas station, and out of the ground came Satan. He had horns, a beard, hooves, and a pitchfork. Tumnus quickly ran over and stole it from him, claiming, "This is... ah fuck it!" He then turned into a tornado of razor blades and broken glass. Satan renamed himself Stan just in time for the Tum-nado to shred him. The storm blew to the east where it ground Mike Stifter, Tudor, and the eyeless people from the RV to an unrecognizable pulp with no human characteristics. They were ground up so finely by the wind-borne shrapnel that was Tumnus that even on the microscopic level, nothing remained. DNA chains were severed and molecules were broken down to the elemental level, for at the heart of the Tumnado was pure hate, hate as black as the void of space, and the fury that resided within that black void shone as bright as a nuclear reaction. With each death, the cyclone grew exponentially in ferocity, until the energy requirement exceeded the human life energy fuel source. It exploded in a flash of white light, and Tumnus was thrown to the ground. Suncat rushed over just in time to see him stand up and brush the dust off, and VB stole the fire-farting horses on skates, and took them to his catacombs, most pleased with himself. "That was new," remarked Suncat. Tumnus replied, "Yeah, its kind of draining though," and he pulled out two Quaker oat rice cakes. He handed one to Suncat, upon which they did feast. They morphed into soulless banshees with a hunger for JBR and WB blood. The eyeless villains were watching with fear in their stolen eyes, and they began to fly towards new England. Suncat and Tumnus gave chase, taking their time, matching course and speed changes precisely with their prey. They knew where they were going, there was no rush, ahead Mt. Washington loomed and black clouds began to gather. Tumnus pointed his devils staff at the mountain and Suncat nodded. JBR and WB were getting tired, and suddenly dove towards the ground. A second too late they noticed Suncat was standing there, just waiting.

Being cornered and scared, they had only one choice. Pausing in mid-air, they JBR and WB faced each other. They begun to rotate violently around a point in between them. Suncat took off his sunglasses to clean them, and Tumnus appeared beside him. "Look, I got a whole case of Quaker Rice Cakes...Oh wow!" said Tumnus, as he looked up to see the villains surrounded in a clouds of mist interspersed with lightning...and rice cakes. Then, a skinless dingo rushed by, knocking Suncat down to the ground, and making Tumnus choke on his rice cake. "Damn dingo!" yelled Suncat, as he got up. The dingo was long gone, never to be seen again. And then, Usama Bin Laden came crashing down from the heavens. He rode upon a handicapped Emu with wings, complete with horns and a beard. "I challenge you to a duel" he shrieked. Everyone had almost forgot about JBR and WB. They looked to see what they were up to. They had disappeared! "Wait, what's this?" said Suncat curiously as he crouched down. For, on the ground below where they had been rotating, was a piece of poop, approximately eight inches long, and 1.5 inches in diameter. "A simple piece of poop" said Suncat laughing. Tumnus joined in the laughter.

Bin Laden threw a snowball at Suncat, who promptly skinned Bin Laden like a dingo. Then, just as Suncat was about to save the piece of poop in a jar, it turned into a JBR head, but with rice cakes for eyes. It rose into the air, out from its mouth shone a light so bright, that it burned shadows into the ground. Suncat, thinking quickly, gave Tumnus a pair of his Thermo-nuclear sunglasses. Their eyes were both protected. The flesh of Bin Laden smoked and filled the air with the smell of death. The JBR head dropped to the ground, and morphed into Shirley Temple. A stage appeared, complete with light and sound system. Tumnus and Suncat rushed up to get some balcony seats, but they were already taken, by the LD class from GBHS. Suncat and Tumnus shot them all in the head, and threw their bodies over the side. A hidden door then opened in the wall, and Kittywampus offered Tumnus a can of Lysol and a rag. "I am always prepared" said Kitty. While Suncat was cleaning, Tumnus went back to retrieve the box of rice cakes, which should be right outside the main entrance on the ground, next to Suncat's pathetically empty jar. Low and behold, what Tumnus found was quite amazing. The jar was now filled with mayopalm, and beside it was a note. Tumnus read the note aloud...

              Dear Tumnus and Suncat- 

          I hope you find my gift is in good taste. I used only the freshest ingredients. I knew you 

         had some rice cakes, so put some of this on it...it will help to bring out the flavor. I think 

         we can all be grown up superheroes, and put aside our differences. 

          Yours Truly, 

         Vatorbutt 

Tumnus took the jar, and emptied its contents into the nearest sewer. "Fuck him" said Tumnus. Then, he went back to the theater, only to find that he had missed a good 20 minutes of the show. "It's about time you got back. I'm starved!" said Suncat, as he ravenously devoured the whole box. From up in the catwalks came a sound, "Hey Suncat, save some for everyone else." Suncat leapt skyward, pulled out his crossbow, and shot the faggot dead. He dropped from the sky, and fell right through the theatre floor. Then, suddenly, golden black sewage gushed out. Little did they know, the theatre was built on.....WHOooooooooooooWHoooooooooooWHooooooooooooo WHOA!

Suddenly, Suncat and Tumnus found themselves lying on their backs in deep snow, the wind blowing around them at 100 mph. They were atop Mt. Washington. Tumnus immediately figured out what happened. The skinless dingo was not a dingo at all....it was a faux creature of Vatorbutt's doing. When it rushed by, some special gas came out of it's ass that knocks people out. They had been knocked unconscious for hours. But why would he do that? Why did he not kill them why they were out? Well, who cares. Then suddenly, up the hill, a rumble was heard. "What was that?" asked Suncat. It was soon apparent to both of them what it was....a big fat snowman (BFS). It was every bit of 20 feet tall. It looked like a traditional snowman...corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. It had a carrot nose and sticks for arms. As BFS moved closer, Suncat could see something odd. There was a small square on its top hat. Tumnus pulled a telescope out of his ass and investigated. It soon became apparent that the snowman was a mech-snowman, constructed by VB. He could see VB manning the controls in side the top hat. "Hahaha, you are mine!" said VB through is sound system. The conditions worsened, as the winds increased to 200 mph in blinding snow, with a temperature of -60, the wind chill off the charts. It was high noon atop Mt. Washington, and the battle began.

Suncat clicked his heels together and a magic wand appeared in his hand. He waved the wand over the snow and a nuclear centrifuge materialized. Also, TurboTimmy the Mechanimal swerved in from the shop having got a tune up and new spark plugs. Now equipped with split fire plugs, Tumnus was expecting 5% gain in horsepower in Timmy. The control panel in Suncat's hand glinted in the sunlight, and VB wanted it, suncat had patented the nuclear centrifuge and was the only one who knew how to make it. The purpose of the nuclear centrifuge was to accelerate N arm in the surrounding ring, like all centrifuges, but where it was different was the speeds it could reach. Ultimately, it could exceed a rotating speed faster than the speed of light, but no one knew what that meant. All matter that was put in the centrifuge disappeared when the speed exceeded the speed of light, and no person had ever been a passenger to tell where things went. VB wanted the device because he calculated that matter that vanished was transported to a predetermined location specified by the controlling equations, and once the equations were modified, the location of destination could be fixed, and the device would be a transportation device, able to transport anyone to any location in the universe. If he could get that controller, he could take over the world. Suncat knew what VB was thinking, and he knew that the only way to defeat the snowman would be to make VB so angry, so cross that he would get sloppy. He also knew what VB only speculated, what happened to the matter once accelerated inside the device, but he would use that to his advantage. Tumnus got in TurboTimmy, and powered up the systems for battle. A huge metallic roar came from Timmy, and it lunged towards the snowman. Timmy kicked the snowman in the butt, and the sun came out. It melted the snowman.