Vatorbutt
(VB) picked up a dozen bunnies from the pet store, this Easter party would be
different for all the children in Great Bend. From the catacombs, he carefully
inserted large chicken eggs boiled and dyed into their butts. This will be the
best bunny race ever he thought. The next day he jumped through the porthole
to Great Bend, located conveniently in the elevator of Tower C. At the Easter
egg hunt, he dropped the bunnies off, and watched from the street. Children
came running as they saw the fluffy bunnies running through the yard. Soon they
began to scream. Their mothers ran to the children and looked in horror at the
bunnies crapping bloody Easter eggs and dying from the loss of blood. Tumnus told Suncat "This is a travesty of the worst kind, we must fix this." "Indeed," replied Suncat. "Quite." countered Tumnus. They ran to the new Tumnus mobile, a sexy Toyota Camry with all kinds of tricks and surprises, and suddenly, Grizzly Adams (GA) materialized out of a vapor cloud and warned them about the danger of VB's new toy, he ApeMaster1000. "What does it do?" asked Tumnus. "I cannot tell you, I have already told you too much, he knows where I am! NO!!! AHAAARRRRGGGG!" With that GA disappeared into a cloud of pain and suffering as quickly as he had appeared. Suddenly, and without warning, a small box, all wrapped in Christmas paper and a bow, appeared where GA had been standing. Suncat went over to it, and crouched down. On it was a note, and it read...
Dear Suncat and Tumnus,
It's been a long time...not long enough. You have once again step foot in somewhere
you don't belong. If you do not leave me alone, I will destroy you, with my
new ApeMaster1000. I'm sure GA already told you what it can do. I leave you
with a present, I'm sure you will find it in good taste. I'm off now, to the
lost catacombs of Egypt, where I will enslave all the locals. Don't bother trying
to find my hideout...it is well hidden.
Death to you all,
VB
For 40 days and 40 nights they combed the desert, but found no trace of VB...when
suddenly, on the 41st day, they came upon a clue... in the shape of a hieroglyph.
"I'm not sure what it means," said Tumnus, as he pulled out a screwdriver.
As Suncat urinated on a pyramid, Tumnus connected some lines on the hieroglyph,
"Suncat!!" Suncat ran to Tumnus' side to see none other than a Kittywampus
head hieroglyphic. They knew of it back then? How old was Kittywampus? What
age-defying powers did Kitty have? Working fast and into the night, the duo
arranged stones in the prescribed order - according to the inscribed hieroglyphs,
when finished, a large stone circle with a brightly burning pile of magnesium
metal in the center lit the sky. Suncat shone the A2K-SFP into the flames, and
a huge UFO appeared from nowhere. Kitty descended in a cloud of glory and loud
futuristic synthesizer music, much like an early Depeche Mode or Duran Duran
album. He removed his cape, held aloft a map of the Egyptian catacombs, and
joined the quest. "I am always prepared," Kitty announced as the fire
died late into the night.
The End
"Sounds like an invitation to me", said Tumnus. "Quite",
said Suncat. Tumnus and Suncat wasted no time, and hopped into the tricked out
Camry. They strapped on their seatbelts, and fired up the jump-jets. "Here
we go" said Tumnus. They lifted off the ground, and the engines began to
whine. "Engage", said Tumnus, and off they went, Eastward, towards
Africa. As they left, Suncat leaned out the window, and blew away the package
with his machine gun. Through the rear-view mirror, Tumnus watched as a mushroom
cloud evolved.
About eight minutes later, and in enough time to finish listening to "One"
by Metallica, they landed in Cairo. Tumnus wiped away a tear caused by the hauntingly
beautiful riffs of the song and Suncat bowed his head reverently. "Enough!"
they proclaimed simultaneously, and headed out to do their business. With a
flick of the wrist, Tumnus activated the dashboard VB finder and Suncat disappeared
under the dash with a box of old computer parts. Ten minutes later, a heads
up display (HUD) appeared on the windshield showing a radioactivity map similar
to topography in the area. "Whatever the Apemaster is, it is a sure bet
its nuclear." He explained to Tumnus. "IN-FUCKING-DEED" yelled
a voice from outside. The duo looked up just in time to see the skinless dingo
that had been howling for so long make a eerily quick exit, stage right. "You
don't see that everyday," remarked Suncat. Just then a skinless dingo howled.
Red
Skelton, Eric Rhett, and Eric the Red pulled up on a custom Harley trike chopper
with rumble seat and charaded the location of VB's hideout. It was located in
the ass of the sphinx. Not the sphinx ruins, but the girl from Afghanistan or
where-the-fuck-ever that looked like the sphinx. She was living, appropriately
enough, in the actual sphinx's ass. "Figure the odds." mused Tumnus.
"Yeah," replied Suncat, "its like one of those Russian doll things
that you open, and there's like a bunch more inside, you know, there's one inside
that you open and then there's another one smaller in it and..." "YES,
I get it!"
Suddenly, the Wells Fargo Stage Coach appeared and who stepped out
but Joe Connor, physics teacher of GBHS (1992-3) dressed in drag. With a smart
curtsey, he led Tumnus and Suncat to the sphinx's stone anus, opened the sphincter
shaped Dutch doors and bid them welcome. All of a sudden, VB and the sphinx-Afghani-girl
(SAG) came through the opening. Tumnus remarked the symbolic resemblance of the
ugly couple to fecal matter passing through the sphinx, which made VB angry. He
pulled out a handgun and as he aimed it, Suncat grabbed it and turned it into
VB's own belly and shot it. He then grabbed a nearby skinless dingo in heat and
slapped it against VB's abdomen, where it promptly began to gut-fuck VB's belly
wound. "That is so gross!" exclaimed Tumnus who had to look away for
an instant. Suddenly, and without warning, VB disappeared, leaving SAG, Tumnus,
Suncat, and Joe Conner in a cloud of dust. "Damn sand, got in my eye"
yelled Tumnus, as he searched for his eye drops. Just then, Joe Conner attacked
the SAG, and began pummeling her with blow after blow...just like the old days.
It didn't phase the SAG at all...only made it mad. Then, Joe was dressed in as
a jester, and began to tell jokes. It made the SAG smile. Not just any smile,
but so disgusting and hideous, that it caused Joe to spontaneously combust, and
burnt shadows into the sides of the pyramids, and other ancient structures. Tumnus
and Suncat got into their vehicle just in time, not seeing the smile. "Ok,
she is done smiling", said Tumnus. "I've got it!" exclaimed Suncat.
As Tumnus searched for a CD to listen to, Suncat got out of the vehicle, and snuck
up behind SAG. Wearing a special device, which allowed him to view his surroundings
through a small LCD display, fed from a web cam on his head, he approached it
from behind. Without warning, he let out a huge fart, which made SAG promptly
turn around, and smile. Tumnus shot a special device right at Suncat with his
potato gun. It was an image capture device...but better than most. It was able
to produce life-like holograms, from one simple photo. In order for it to work
properly, however, Suncat had to cut off the SAG's head, for processing.
After several hours of processing, and a good hour on the phone with tech support,
Suncat's device was finished. "I will call it...the 'Afghani-2000 Sphinx
Face Projector'.", (A2K-SFP) proclaimed Suncat. "Let's test it out",
said Tumnus. Looking around for a few minutes, they finally found one of the locals.
He was minding his own business, hauling a huge block of rock up a ramp. "Uh
mmm... excuse me, sir", said Tumnus. The man stopped, and as he did, Suncat
hauled off and slapped him like a bitch. Still stunned, Suncat had enough time
to pull out the A2K-SFP, and activated it...but only after they had both put on
their safety cams, of course. A life-like image of the SAG's smiling face appeared,
and the local man was so utterly disgusted, that his flesh melted, leaving a pile
of steaming bone...covered in a green sauce, all this in a summers day, mind you.
"It worked" said Tumnus. "Now, we have a weapon to defeat VB",
said Suncat. "Uh, Suncat… you think it'll work on VB...being that he
lived with the SAG?", questioned Tumnus. "Yes it will...you see, she
never smiled around him...it was an unhappy marriage. VB knew the power of the
SAGS smile, and when in her presence, made her wear a mask. If she didn't, she
would have instantly been eaten by mosquitoes," explained Suncat. "Oh,
ok", replied Tumnus...and they were off to find VB.
The next morning the trio ran to food for less and bought a bunch of Easter
candy for half off, and resumed the quest at the entrance to the catacombs,
with VB completely unaware of their presence due to the fact that Kitty cloaked
them all in invisible light and infrared absorbing togas. A slight rustle was
heard as they slipped stealthily past the elite guards (the practice squad of
the 2000-2001 Cleveland browns). "Man, times are tough if that's all he
can get," muttered Tumnus. Suddenly, another skinless dingo, this one a
concoction of VB complete with wallaby ass and tender feet, howled. Then, suddenly,
Paul Hogan arrived, along with Arnaud the Frenchman. "G'day mate"
said Paul, as he clumsily strummed his guitar. Paul began hallucinating, and
thought Arnaud was the Crocodile hunter, and bum-rushed him. "Well excuse
me...think I mistaken you for someone else, somebody who gave a damn, somebody
more like myself," said Paul. "Enough with these foolish games, we
have work to do", said Suncat...when all of a sudden, a loud rumble was
felt underneath their feet. "We must hurry," said Suncat. As the original
trio descended into the depths of the catacombs by way of a fireman's pole,
Arnaud was heard screeching like a banshee as Paul began to chant verses from
the Necronomicon.
Kitty, Suncat and Tumnus, after hours of sliding down a long pole, finally hit
bottom, and dusted themselves off. Suncat blurted out a ferocious blow of ass
air, as Kitty held up a match. The place was now illuminated, with an eerie
green glow. Before anyone had a chance to check out their surroundings, in waltzed
in an army of evil glow worms, 10. Not far behind, were the lady bugs 12, all
sporting picnic baskets full of warm rolls, egg salad, and monkey heads.
Just as the glow worms began to chant...someone yelled from above..."Look
out below!" Fifty million tons of raw sewage, began to rain from up above.
Tumnus and Suncat began to prance around like ballet dancers, as Kitty began
to decompose. Then, the story took a weird twist, when the glow worms began
to vibrate uncontrollably. They melted and soon coalesced into a large seething,
pulsating giant glowworm-wallaby hybrid. The creature turned on the posse and
started devouring them, first Arnaud, then Paul Hogan. Suncat and Tumnus ran
behind a wall and armed themselves. "Check that out!" said Suncat.
Tumnus looked up and saw a live Santa Clause nailed to a crucifix, "Looks
like they had some holidays mixed up." Tumnus un-crucified Santa and lo
and behold, it was Dave Thomas from Wendy's. He ran out of the catacombs and
off to his corporate office, not to be seen again in the story. Suddenly, the
glowworm-wallaby morphed into an enormous Ape, which shattered into thousands
of smaller apes which charged towards Suncat and Tumnus through the sludge of
sewage. A mostly rotted Kitty threw ropes down from the ceiling "Come on!"
Moments later the apes were swept away as Kitty activated a flushing system.
VB threw the ApeMaster1000 down as
he saw his minions swept away. "These assholes ruin everything!" He
ran for the escape pod between the sphinx's front paws. The ladybugs, which
until now were playing a relatively minor role, turned on VB and began to converge
on the escape pod ahead of him. They entered and hid among the control panels,
and began to wait. Suncat, Tumnus, and Kitty were too far from VB to catch him.
Kitty realized this and released his spiritual energy to Tumnus, enlightening
him and increasing his understanding of physics to that of Einstein. Understanding
they would never catch VB on foot, Tumnus busted out the A2K-SFP and projected
the sphinx between VB and the escape pod just as he came around the corner to
enter the pod.
"AAHRHRHRHGHGHGHHHH!" VB screamed as his vision decayed to 10-15%
of its original capacity. Through blur he sealed the doors to the pod and initiated
the lift off sequence. The ladybugs sprang from their hiding places and began
to devour the flesh from VB's bones. Screaming, VB opened a localized trans-dimensional
portal and dove through taking a ladybug with him. "He's disappeared from
my screen," said Suncat, "He's no longer on Earth." Tick, tick,
tick, tick, "Its a self destruct sequence initiated by the pods departure,
we have to get out!" yelled Suncat, as he pulled out the Twister mat inspired
teleportation pad. The duo took their places on the mat and were transported
to the top of Giza pyramids where they watched the sphinx erupt into a pyre
of flame and smoke. "Poor Kitty," said Suncat. "Don't worry,
replied Tumnus, "he isn't dead, he's on another level - he never dies.
When he released his energy to me, I gained the knowledge of his essence. He
has been alive for thousands of years, and will be for thousands more. Corporeal
bodies are not a confinement for him. He is all around us, and in us. We are
not alone..."