The Worm Appears

Vatorbutt (VB) awoke like a flower opening its petals to greet the day, except this was a greeting the day could do without, and VB was no flower. VB voiced his discontent with a groan and proceeded to the room where the day's most important plans were carefully plotted - the bathroom. For thirty minutes he stayed inside, opening the door only to fan the vile air into a diluted cloud. "The solution to pollution is dilution," he said smiling. When he finished he pulled a lever and the reverse-plumbing he installed worked its magic. The towers shook and all the toilets backed up in fecal geysers. VB smiled, his love for life was starting to return.

Only a few weeks prior, VB hit rock bottom. It wasn't until VB came up with his master plan, that of the worm, that he felt like his old self. Suddenly, the portal of the trans-dimensional nexus opened, and Belial from Basket Case landed on the floor with fear in his eyes. VB established a mental link with the little demon, and learned that trouble was on the way, in an all too familiar form.

VB hurriedly shoved a gelatinous stasis chamber in front of the nexus and as Jethro and Jed Clampet came through, they were caught. "Looks like I caught ma'self a couple of Clampets," mused VB in a bad southern accent. Suddenly, and without warning Belial morphed into Estelle Getty dressed in a pair of boots and a smile. Everyone cringed, and the gaseous Entity became so frightened that he dissipated, not to be seen again in this story. All of a sudden, just as VB was about to eat the Clampets, Estelle Getty slapped him with her purse, and scolded him. VB put the Clampets down, and apologized. To show how sorry he really was, VB gave the Clampets his prized possession...a squirrel skin. The Clampets suddenly turned into six foot tall squirrels. Not just any squirrels, but gray ones. VB, being frightened of gray squirrels, jumped out of his boots, packed his bags, and left for Twin Falls, ID, where he could make his home in a small cave by the waterfalls. The squirrels morphed into little ants, and Estelle burnt them with her magnifying glass. "I love the smell of burnt ants in the morning." She said.

God was sick of Estelle Getty, and made her die. Then, the Entity's son appeared, and roamed the halls of C tower, looking for shampoo. "Must... have... sham.. pooooooooooooooooo" he screamed. Everyone opened their doors to see what the hell was going on. The Entity's son (ES) sang the Tumnus Family Song, which immediately hypnotized everyone. They were now zombies, and they all put their shampoo bottles in big pile under ES. ES opened all the herbal ones, and took a shower, for another half an hour. Then, he zoomed around the entire campus, looking for hot women. He then went into all their asses, and left a little piece of himself...just enough to give them all bad gas for the rest of their lives. "Ha ha ha" he laughed sinisterly, rubbing his hands together and, twisting his goatee. All the men in town could not stand to be near a good looking woman, because they smelled so fucking bad.

Then, when all hope seemed to be lost...look! Out of the sun, it's a bird, it's a plane, its Superman, coming to save the day. VB burst out of the trans-dimensional nexus and bent over. He fired a turd out of his ass which caught superman off guard, morphing him permanently and involuntarily into a JJ Walker - Superman mix with Snoop Dogg hair. He was now SuperFreak with a smile that not even a mother could love. He landed and started to cry. ES approached cautiously and farted at SuperFreak, it brought the horrid smile to his nasty face. ES ran off baying like a donkey, causing all the international students to look out their windows. A deafening explosion ripped through the air, and suddenly a swirling mass of radioactive particles appeared over the Towers. All the foreign students were sucked out of their apartments into the nuclear tornado.

VB smiled and hurled Snuggle Bear at the tornado. A split second before impact Snuggle Bear pulled a miniature Tie Fighter out of his ass and flew to safety. Tumnus and Suncat arrived amidst great fanfare and trumpet playing. The Ford Fairmont they loved as a brother came to a screeching halt on VB's feet.

An extremely diverse parade started up as gays, Jews, blacks, Asians, military, Arabs, Slobodan Milosovik, Mohammar Khaddafi, The Junkyard Dog, the guy that plays the guy with patch over his eye on that one soap opera, the Harlem globetrotters, John McCain, the champions of the 1999 Little League World Series, all Tibetan refugees, the mighty ducks, and Monica Lewinski marched through campus to protest the nuclear tornado. The tornado was unimpressed and focused its massive destructive power on the parade. Chaos reigned supreme as bodies were thrown everywhere. Suncat and Tumnus watched, Suncat trying to figure a way to harness the storms power and Tumnus trying to figure out how to create another storm similar. VB howled, bringing their attention back to the task at hand as he freed himself and ran towards the portal. SOT and Jackie Chan entered the courtyard. Tumnus and Suncat decided to climb atop the towers to see what they could see. What they saw was Superfreak, flying around the campus. Mouth wide open, leaving a steady stream of halitosis fumes, which soon enveloped the city. People began to drop like flies. Tumnus and Suncat saw this as a potential problem. It was time to call in the troops. They soon got all their old friends on the phone. They were all to meet at 7pm sharp, in Allen Field House.

Soon, they were all assembled...SCSA, Paul Hogan, Kittywampus, The howling Dingo, a Dingo/wallaby mix, Snuggle Bear, Bin Laden, Popeye Patterson, Ducky, Beaker, the Chef, Mills Lane, Tank Abbot, Matt, Critter, 6 Doozers, Captain Kirk, the Concrete Nun, the Shmoo, Brune, Jack Horkheimer, Mannipede, Evil Knieval, Paddington Bear, Fat Chinese, The Silver Surfer, Dr. Eagleman, several Ricki's, Joseph, Laura Arnold, Mike "Your Friend' Stifter, Arnaud, the Manager, Turbo Timmy, Mr. Chang, Martha, Wilford Brimley, Jon Bennett, Julien, Barry White, Bear laden, Honey Nut Cheerios bee, Bob Barker, Slim Goodbody, and a Chinaman holding a mama doll.

We have a problem, my fellow superheroes," said Suncat. "Superfreak is taking over the city," and we need your help to stop him." Then suddenly, SCSA went on a rampage. He went over to Paul Hogan and kicked his stinky ass. Then, he ripped the Managers head off, and ate its remains. Julien and Ducky were in a fight, and Popeye was attempting to steal a TV that was left in the corner. Mills lane came over to referee the fight between Julien and Ducky. The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee was stuck to the skinless dingo's glistening hide. Martha was busy shooting laser beams all over hell, while Brune was chasing Horkheimer, thinking that maybe there was some weed in his head. The Silver Surfer was surfing all over, with the concrete nun giving chase. "We should have known better," said Tumnus to Suncat. "There is no way to keep order." "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" said Suncat, as he proceeded to get in Turbo Timmy. Tumnus threw down the mic, and hopped in. There was such a ruckus going on, that the roof was coming off the field house. Everyone within five miles gravitated towards the field house. Meanwhile, Superfreak was wondering why he was getting no attention, and determined it was because he was black. He called up Johnny Cochran, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson for help.

...Back in the field house...

Martha, the Silver Surfer, and the Ricky's liquefied and flowed into each other to form a super huge dust moth. The honey nut cheerio bee, both dingoes, Ducky, and Julien felt death was imminent and began to have an orgy. Suncat steered Turbo Timmy out of the building as the roof collapsed. VB ran out of the shower, in Timmy, the first and rusty prototype of Tumnus and Suncat's which he had renamed Tim. He hit a button on the dash which caught the big dust moth in a tractor beam and forced its DNA to merge with that of his and Tim's. He was now Tim Miller, a living vehicle he felt was superior to TurboTimmy (TT). The wings began to flap, and soon he was airborne, flying out of a hole in the roof and covering everyone in dust knee deep and choking. Everyone died with mouths full of miller dust, except for Popeye and Brune, who were used to this kind of thing, they morphed into different kinds of roaches and scurried out of the field house. In the air were Superfreak, Tim Miller, and TT. The all spotted each other, but not before catching the attention of a Mills Lane/Black Widow (MLBW) spider which spun a web the size of a football stadium around them. "Let's get it on!" he screeched. Tumnus fired a rabid Winnie the Pooh and a honey pot out of TT, which hit Superfreak. The honey pot knocked him unconscious and Pooh began to eat his flesh and honey. Tim Miller was impressed, perhaps VB had underestimated TT, too late now, he veered to face off, suddenly a UFO landed on the web. MLBW ran towards it only to be crushed like the bug he was. From out of nowhere an immense fireball collided with Tim Miller, who nearly was obliterated. He got very afraid and accelerated toward the Earth where he pounded through the ground into the catacombs, his wings were really in the way so he rested to heal and morph into the ultimate form, that of the worm.  

Meanwhile, Tumnus had caught the UFO and added the technology to TT. "Wow, that's pretty cool," said Suncat. "Watch this." Tumnus plugged in a guitar and played a riff from Am I Evil. A timeline continuum of the universe appeared on the control panel. "I can now control time with Metallica songs, all I do is push a button and time freezes, then I play a riff to determine where we want to start time at, and we are there. Due to not being able to exist in two places at once, we don't actually appear until we activate the system, but we can interact without being see." He pushed the button again, and they saw the battlefield, the old TT was firing at Superfreak and they were pointed at Tim Miller. Tumnus shot the fireball that almost destroyed Tim Miller. "I was wondering about that" Suncat said and they watched everything repeat until TT disappeared.

Tumnus seized the wheel from Suncat, and steered toward the nuclear tornado, Suncat hit a vacuum button and sucked the tornado into an antimatter containment chamber where time was frozen inside. "Let's take this nasty thing into the catacombs," he said. Brune passed a Horkheimer skull bong to Popeye as they watched from atop the parking garage. "Is this good shit?" asked Popeye. Brune just nodded, smiling, he then spouted dragonfly wings and flew south. Popeye took a huge hit and exploded in a cloud of hallucinogenic smoke, which flowed down into the Tim Miller left hole. The worm was just beginning to stir, when suddenly 10 shiny black semi-trucks rolled in. The drivers, who consisted of James Hetfield, Kirt Hammet, Lars Ulrich, and Jason Newstead, otherwise known as Metallica, hurriedly unloaded the trucks contents. The other six trucks were driven by robotic puppy dogs, and they did not help. "What's up with this?" asked Suncat. "Get out your bass guitar," said Tumnus as he threw his guitar over his shoulder. Suncat was about to get out his amplifier when Tumnus put up his hand and said, "That won't be necessary." Soon Suncat could see why. The trucks were unloaded, and there stood eight 30' diameter amplifiers. "We used a speaker like this one time back in the days when we played in garages (the garage days)" said James. "We were kicked out of town after it turned the neighborhood to rubble" said Kirt. "Yeah, that was cool" said Lars. In the distance, a skinless dingo howled, when suddenly, Tumnus said "Enough...lets do it." One giant hole into the catacombs was already complete... now they needed eight more. Suncat pulled a map out of his ass and carefully planned where to place the speakers. "I called the construction company, they should be here any minute" said Tumnus. Fifteen minutes later, they showed up...but wait, "Oh noooooooooooooo" screamed the foreman. Snuggle bear flew in out of the blue in his Ti-Fighter, and blasted eight holes in the necessary locations, then incinerated the wrecking crew.

...Down in the catacombs...

The worm was rudely woken up by all the noise, and was coughing from all the dust which now filled his catacombs. "Blasted!" said the worm. The worm went to the bathroom to freshen up. He made a glass of hair water for his comb, and carefully combed his hair. Basically, he was a giant worm, but with a Groucho Marx face. Then, it hit him... a giant slab of concrete from above. "Ouch!" he yelled. Then suddenly, a little old lady waltzed in, dancing with the devil, and offered the worm some British Delight treats... the same ones from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. The worm ate, and they did laugh, and the worm did grow a long, long beard, several body lengths. The old lady and the devil disappeared, never to be seen again. "Now, what is going on here?" thought the worm, as he heard strange noises from above.

…Back on the surface...

"The speakers have been positioned," said Lars. The feeling in the air was in-describable. There stood Metallica, Tumnus and Suncat, all dressed in black, guitars in hand (except Lars was at his drum set). Darkness was descending on the land. The town was like a ghost town. All that could be heard above the silence was the sound of cicadas in the trees. Tumnus went over and turned up the system to full blast. The sound of the electricity flowing through the speakers amplified to such levels was an unnatural sound to say the least. All the insects stopped, and then...."GO!" yelled James. All at once, and with a lightning filled sky, everyone hit that first note. The song was Dyers Eve - a scary song for anyone who not expecting it. The compression waves roared through the underground caverns with the equivalent energy of a thousand hydrogen bombs. "What's really neat about this Tumnus, is how the caverns are oriented," explained Suncat. "Once the waves hit the central location, where the worm dwells, they will all be constructive and make a new sound, which will vent through the main hole." "Ahh, like one of those seventh-order boom boxes, right", asked Tumnus. "Something like that" said Suncat. "Ok Suncat, when I give the word, push the button on TT to freeze time," yelled Tumnus. "Ok... NOW!."

Suncat pushed the button, just as the super-mega compression sound wave, along with the worm, were about to leave the hole. Something caught the worm's eye, and he gasped, breathing in the hallucinogenic pot smoke left by Popeye's demise. The worm grew dizzy and began to morph into a fuzzy caterpillar in a pair of Joe Boxer brand underwear. In such a massive size, he looked like a rip-van-winkle bearded school bus covered with psychedelic fur, but in reality he was still VB, evil to the core and fuzzy as a plush toy. The sound wave forced the worm out of the hole at a speed approaching that of light, and the worm came to rest on the moon, which luckily was just above the hole. Meanwhile, with time stopped, Suncat and Tumnus sent Metallica back in time to when they didn't suck and play pop music. Tumnus then unleashed a horde of dust mites on the moon which attacked the fuzzy caterpillar which was VB. Struggling to no avail, VB slapped at the dust mites, until a Siamese twin dingo/dust mite combo named Kirby Pucket Bucket Head (KPBH) burrowed into his exoskeleton. VB knew his time was running short, but rather than let the worm fall into the wrong hands, he activated the self-destruct sequence and jettisoned Earthward. As his escape capsule shot toward Earth, KPBH saw the last two seconds of the worm from inside, he activated the trans-dimensional nexus and jumped in, and was transported to another story. The worm exploded in a blast that scorched the surface of the moon black and when all the fuzz settled, children on Earth from that time forward would think the moon was tie-dyed. Tumnus destroyed the optimally oriented sound system and changed TT's controls to buttons instead of music operated and got into TT. Suncat bid everyone g'day and got into TT Dukes of Hazard style. Rumplestiltskin's twin brother Dimplerumpskin jumped in and rode bitch as the duo sped off into the sunset, not to be seen until evil made a stupid and crude act of destruction necessary once again.