Suncat and Tumnus Go On a Rampage II

Morning dawned with everyone passed out at Barry Whites place, a place that had withstood a party of epic proportions. Horkheimer was laid out on the couch, dead. Tumnus woke with a cramped neck after spending the night in a keg stand. Suncat admired the way Tumnus just shook off the cramp and rolled his head around his neck releasing the crackling sound of his vertebrae popping like a Harley Gang all popping their knuckles at once. Sirens were outside and Barry was the first to speak, "All y'all bruthaz gots ta be outta here fast." Thinking fast, Suncat hurled a grenade out the window at a cop car, causing a wreck. "That ought to buy us some time. Horkheimer is on the couch, but you are Barry White? He changed from himself into you, how is it that you both are here?" Barry started to look nervously toward the couch. SOT was tapping a hoof on the floor as they all waited expectantly for an answer. Barry walked towards the couch and then ran for the door. Suncat and Tumnus ran to the porch where they saw VB tear the costume off and disappear into the street among the bare-butted participants in a Gay Pride Parade. "I'm willing to say he got away," said Tumnus. "Quite," replied Suncat. "Indeed."

"He is a master of disguise, maybe we should go back to Popeye's and look for clues," suggested Tumnus. The crew ate a hearty breakfast and boarded Turbo Timmy. Once they got to Popeye's the first thing of note was that Popeye greeted them. "I thought he died yesterday," whispered Suncat to Tumnus. "Yeah, I did too." After a cursory look around the yard, it was obvious that nothing from the day before was there, no lingering log stains, no dead ducks, no crack in the Earth... nothing. In the distance, a trunk lid popped open, and SCSA leapt out.

He glanced at his surroundings, and seeing Tumnus, he yelled to them "YO!" "It's been a while," said Tumnus as they shook hands, "but it's still good to see you." The trunk lid was still open and Suncat peered inside at the nexus. "Where does this lead?" "Oh, lots of places. Depending on the time randomization that is entered into the programming, you can enter at different times and be swept to different destinations." Suncat downloaded the program into TT's secret decoder ring and printed out a spreadsheet of the destinations. "Look, if we enter at 9:05.55 we will get transported to the catacombs, but it isn't clear whether that is in VB's control center or just a destination within the labyrinth. "It's 9:04 now, let's find out on the way," said Tumnus. The group joined hands and walked into the nexus together, since they were a continuous matter stream, the nexus would send them together to the destination determined by the first person to enter. Perfectly timed, Suncat stepped inside, the group emerged in VB's control center, lights were dim, obviously no one was home. SCSA stood guard at the elevator shafts and Tumnus went to work alongside Suncat. Soon they had overrides in place and remote controllers set up throughout the complex. Suncat paged Shmoo who parachuted out of the Snuggle Bear's crop dusting TIE fighter. He rolled left, rolled right and then lit it, Snuggle Bear out. Shmoo jogged to 304C and waited, kept from boredom courtesy of Atari 2600.

Tumnus made sure that when VB came back, he would not be able to tell anything was awry. "That's should do it" said Suncat, putting the final touches on a bucket of water that would fall when the door opened. They went to 304 C, laughing. In the hallway, they met up with the Mad Hatter. "Hello Mad hatter!" said Tumnus. "Be quiet!" said the Mad Hatter (MH), obviously irritated. "He must have slipped through the nexus somehow, probably when the system went into backup power, and there was a split second of chaos during the changeover" reasoned Suncat." Anyway, Mr. Hatter, take off your hat. You are from the past, and the Mercury you use is making you sick" said Tumnus. "AAAAAAAH!" screamed the hatter, as he fell to his knees. "Something's wrong, and I don't think Mercury has anything to do with it" said Suncat. The MH's, doubled over on the floor, suddenly raised his head up, and let out a silent scream at Tumnus and Suncat, as the skin began to melt off his face, and his eyeballs sank into his skull. The MH melted into a lake of smoldering hatter parts. SOT and Shmoo had watched everything from the end of the hallway. SOT came down on his scooter, and pointed to the pile, Baaaaahing. "Oh look, a spleen" said Suncat, picking it up. Suncat bit into the spleen. "Still warm" he said, blood running down his chin. "Are you crazy?" asked Tumnus. "You could get Mercury poisoning."

Suncat walked to the elevator as he lifted a leg and dropped a small pewter turd on the elevator car floor. "My body has evolved into a form that can rid itself of toxins." "Oh, cool," said Tumnus as he farted to punctuate his sentence with a blast of ass. The Hatter's head rolled to the side as his beaver skin hat rolled away. "Oh, forgot about that." Suncat sent the elevator on a fool's errand to the 6th floor and jimmied the 3rd floor doors open. Tumnus rolled the Hatter's corpse into the shaft, where it came to rest at the bottom in a wet thud. Suncat flipped the hat inside and they resumed walking. "You know, I was thinking, where would VB go? He hasn't been in his place for a while with everything powered down. How soon do you think he will be back?" asked Suncat. "I don't know I just assumed that when he left Barry's house in such a hurry that he would naturally." They stopped walking. Suncat spoke first, "Unless he hid when we thought he left." Tumnus replied, "We didn't really even try following him to see what direction he was going." Simultaneously, "Oh shit!" They gathered SOT, SCSA, Shmoo, and precariously made their way through the booby-trapped laden control center.

"Suncat, please power it to the Denny's across the street," requested Shmoo, "I still haven't had breakfast." Suncat rolled his eyes at Tumnus but set the coordinates there just the same, this was a job they needed Shmoo happy to do well, and a Shmoo full of Denny's was a happy Shmoo indeed.

...Inside Denny's...

Tumnus had just taken the last bite of his meal, which made him feel heavy and sick. Suncat also did not feel very well, but Shmoo was quite happy, all in a summers day. The waitress came over and asked them how their meal was. Among unnatural facial contortions, Tumnus voiced his discontent by farting the first note of Brass Monkey. Suddenly, Kitty noticed a vibration, the beautiful chandeliers inside Denny's were vibrating, making a tinkly noise only Kitty could hear initially. Then, it increased so that all could hear. "Oh my, I wonder what all this vibration is being caused by?" questioned SOT, in Morse code Baaaah-ing. The roof came off the place, and amidst a white mist aloft, emerged a giant hovercraft, hovering over them. But this was no normal hovercraft...for one thing it could hover in mid air. Second, it was shaped like a Pentium IV chip....and third, it was manned by none other than Craig Barrett, CEO of Intel. "Ha ha ha!! I demand a sacrifice!" started Craig, holding a Voodoo doll shaped like...oh my God, Suncat! Suncat was amazed, but then he saw that the Denny's TV was set to MSNBC which was showing Craig Barrett at the same time. "Hmmmm," Tumnus' eyes were drawn to the TV and he gave a short nod to acknowledge the discovery. SOT dumped pepper into his hand and sniffed it. His eyes began to water and he started to sniff short bursts, then sneezed a turbulent blast of mayo at the hovercraft.

The pilot dropped the voodoo doll to shield himself from the initial blast, which was peeling the facade off both the vessel and the driver. Once all was said and done, it was now revealed in its true form, a floating dumpster piloted by VB's brother, easily identifiable with his tattoo, showing the sign of the worm on his forearm and in detailed embroidery on his denim jacket.

"EEWWWWW YUK!" said Suncat. "AHHHHHH!" screamed Tumnus. "That dude is ugly," started Shmoo, as he sprouted wings and flew to the dumpster, whose controls were not responding to VB's brother (VBB). Shmoo grabbed VBB by the kiwis and hurled him like an Olympic hammer thrower onto one of the Gay pride floats that was still on the street. The riders pranced around him like Adonis and nymphs.

"I can't watch," baaah'ed SOT. Shmoo brought the dumpster around to the crew and they climbed in. "It seems that he was merely a distraction. There were some communication transmissions that took place right as I got here. When the right coded response was not returned, coms were cut off," Shmoo explained. Tumnus interrupted, "Were you able to get a location?" "But of course," Shmoo replied, "I triangulated them, they were coming from the dump." "Well, we are in a vehicle that should be able to slip in unnoticed," pointed out Suncat. "Let's go!" Shmoo took the controls and by the time they were a few blocks into the trip, he was a master helmsman of dumpsters, but not a moment too soon as a trio of dumpster gun ships appeared on the horizon. But, in an instant the gun ships disappeared, and in their places were three happy bunnies. The bunnies grew in size, and filled the horizon. A rainbow came out from behind the clouds, and there was much dancing by the bunnies. Suncat began to say something, when Kittywampus, went to the Pampas, half past one. Barnacle bill and the Lucky Charms man appeared at the end of the rainbow, and began fighting over the gold, calling each other butt fuckers, in between fuckings of their butts. Suncat put out his Uzi, and sprayed then scene with bullets. Tumnus' mind quickened, and he was able to dodge ricochets coming off of the Barnacle Bill's Wonder-woman-esque bracelets. "When Barnacle bill was four, he learned to shut the door...barney over in the clover half past one" said Barnacle Bill. A multi-dimensional nexus appeared inside the pot of gold, and he jumped in, followed quickly by everyone else. Suncat, Tumnus, and the whole gang jumped right in without even flinching. "We are going to Sotheby's said Tumnus."

...Inside Sotheby's...

Suncat and Tumnus quickly took their seats in the middle row, just a few rows back from Barnacle Bill (BB) and Lucky Charms Leprechaun (LCL). The auction began. "The next item is this 12000 year old Sarcophagi, encased in it's original ice." Suncat immediately bid 12 million on it. Tumnus upped the ante, by throwing a Chinese throwing star into the auctioneers head. BB was looking back nervously at Suncat, and understandably so...as Suncat was loading a big cannon with the ladies head seated next to him. "She was ugly" he said, then, in a jiffy, quickly put his ass to the end of the pipe, filled it with Methane, and lit the fuse. The head blasted a hole through the wall, revealing that it was really nothing more than sale day at Country General. Total mayhem ensued.

A sign announced 50% off Halloween candy, wow, only all they had left were those shitty orange peanut shaped marshmallow candies. "FUCK!" he screamed, "I HATE THESE THINGS!" Tumnus entered and all he saw was butter. "Ug, I think I'm going to be sick..." he said as he turned and walked out. SOT saw broccoli and turnips, his two most hated foods and SCSA saw nothing but Vienna sausages and hominy. They were all nauseated by what they saw, but when they talked about it, they realized that they had all seen something different. "I wonder what is really in there, and what could be causing us to see stuff that isn't there?" Suncat asked rhetorically. Tumnus was waxing poetically about how much he hated butter, and Suncat had to slap him to break his trance. "Thanks, I needed that." LCL consumed BB and, true to the conservation of mass theory, grew to twice his original size.

Suncat, suspecting foul play, searched high and low, ultimately finding an extension cord coming out of the back of the sarcophagus. "12,000 years, my ass," he said as he plugged it into the wall. The head sprung out and was replaced by a spinning disco ball, and rats swarmed the auction house. A masked man rode in and held out his hand to LCL, who mounted the horse and said as the horse reared up, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" The horse reared again, then galloped out of the building never to be seen again. VBB was sneaking around the corner when SOT saw him. He sniffed a pepper packet he stole from Denny's, and soon VBB was plastered against the back wall in thick mayo. It was at this exact moment that Suncat's order of Gumby Pizza was being delivered, and the Gumby Girl that Tumnus was so fond of got splattered by a tad of mayo.

"I'm so sorry, here come in and clean off," Tumnus told her. Next thing you know she was clad only in her undergarments and doing body shots with Tumnus. "Holy crap, this is out of hand," Suncat thought as he waded through the rats and mayo. SOT hadn't stopped sneezing and the floor was ankle deep in the nasty stuff. "I need some help," he said as he dialed Tumnus' cell phone. 867-5309, Jenny Dot Gif, wait a second, she would be no help. "I don't even know why she has a phone," Suncat said, "it's not like she can pick it up." He ended the call and dialed the only one who would be any help in a situation like this. Beeker walked in 10 minutes later and Suncat wasn't even trying to settle the crew down. SCSA was crying in the corner, upset by the fact that there were so many Vienna sausages so nearby and SOT had created a huge swan sculpture out of rat cadavers held together with mayo and was sharpening his hooves on Sotheby's marble floor. Tumnus was the Mack, in the executive hot tub smoking a Cohiba with Gumby Girl resting her head against his shoulder, obviously worn out. Suncat had figured out the Country General mystery though, it was a permanent nexus hidden until today by Sotheby's wall. It was a vibe nexus - a leftover from the 60's when everyone was in touch with their moods and auras, except this nexus could sense where you didn't want to go and showed you things that ruined your mood. Suddenly a skinless dingo howled with unprecedented ferocity, breaking everyone's concentration and bringing them back to the here and now.

Tumnus was the first to speak, but it wasn't so much speaking, it was a fart muffled by the hot tub, making Gumby Girl laugh. It was then that Suncat saw it, but Tumnus did too, the sign of the worm on Gumby Girl's back. Just as Tumnus was about to get his groove on, an old man, 50 or so years old wearing some freaky glasses jumped the backyard fence, and ran into the house. Tumnus quickly followed. "I think he's in here" whispered Suncat, pointing to the bathroom. A few loud screams of pain were heard, in between cuss words. Tumnus dared to open the door, only to see the old man crouched in pain over the sink. Before the man could turn around, Tumnus reached over the mans head, and ripped off his scalp, only to reveal it was the Terminator's Dad (TD).

"Shippy shippy coo coo ka!" He said. "What's all this nonsense" demanded SOT, who was wearing an apron and cooking tator tots and cookies on the same bakers pan. "Oh no, you should use feet for a calculator, you yogurt Pepsi man Dan, wwwwwwwoooooooopa@!" said VB, who in a jiffy, went over, and then just sat. "The big red barn" said Suncat, in a classic incomplete sentence. Suddenly, a big jet left from North Carolina..it went West, and crash landed in western Kansas. Suncat and Tumnus went out to investigate.

...In a farmers field, somewhere near Albert...

"I say, there is the smoke plume over there" said Suncat. "Indeed" finished Tumnus. Beeker had obviously gone insane. The smoke was coming from a rotisserie that had been used to impale all of the care bears. One end of the metal skewer still had a clump of plush material torn from the red bear in his mad fury. The fire was fed by my little pony dolls and was heavily dolloped with human hair. "Man, this reeks! Burning plastic and synthetic cloth? Not to mention the hair," started Suncat. "Oh, it's OK, that hair is all from them," Beeker pointed at a pile of dead, scalped victims. Shmoo straight out busted folding chairs out of nothing and sat Beeker down. "Shmoo is so good at interventions," Suncat told Tumnus. "Yeah, I know, remember when he got me to stop smoking?" "No, I don't remember that at all." "It was a good try," summarized Tumnus. Shmoo was halfway into his confrontation therapy when his pager went off. "I have to take this call," he explained as he walked away, leaving Beeker to deal with his feelings alone again.

The emotional roller-coaster had gotten the best of Beeker and he was starting to burn out. It was obvious, the rotisserie was just a cry for help. "Show me tha money!" They spun to see who was yelling, it was VB, and he was not alone.

Suncat twisted the head of his watch and an intense beam of light started burning a swath of ground. Suncat soon controlled the beam and had it focused on VB's minions. They burst into flames and screams, but to no avail. The beam came from a satellite in geosynchronous orbit above Great Bend, KS.
Albert, a mere 10 miles away, was at the optimal position to maximize the satellite's main feature - focusing the sun's light into a tight beam. Theoretically it was nothing more than frying ants with a magnifying glass, but this lens focused solar energy to a new level. the light of the beam normally would have spread over thousands of square miles. VB had been separated from his minions, and was unharmed. He was also terrified. He opened a nexus and jumped in. "Where did he go?" yelled Suncat over the inferno. Tumnus replied, "The catacombs, check out the surveillance feature of the watch!" VB was soaking wet from the bucket above his door and rat traps were chain reacting as they threw their "bait." SOT had seen a Mr. Wizard rerun where Mr. Wizard had set up a few hundred mousetraps and Ping-Pong balls. To activate the system, you merely activated one trap, which sent its ping pong ball flying and bounced the first. An exponential unregulated chain reaction followed. SOT laughed short bahs while holding his sides. He had loaded the mousetraps with little pieces of poop and vomit. VB's lair was atrocious, and as the image cut out, the gang could see the nasty filth dripping from the ceiling onto a crying VB. "Um, Suncat, can you turn that off?" asked Shmoo. The light was intense, a white light laser that scorched the Earth's surface, the heat penetrating deep enough to boil the Ogallala aquifer, which was now erupting as a major geyser. Suncat twisted his watch and the light went out. In the midst of all the action Shmoo had broken through to Beeker and brought him back to reality. The rotisserie fire was out, the corpses buried. "I hear sirens, let's get out of here," said SCSA. The gang piled into TT and Suncat lifted it off just as the Sheriff cars exited K-96 and throttled it up to cruising speed - mach 5. "I'm glad that's over," said Beeker. "We all are," replied Suncat, "wouldn't you say Tumnus?" "Quite," he replied. "Indeed," Suncat countered. They looked at each other and yelled simultaneously, "I WIN!"