The Day Shmoo Met Vatorbutt
One day, the Shmoo was smoking weed, nothing out of the ordinary, the Shmoo liked weed …a lot. His friend Brune called him up and told him to come over and get high, so he did. On the way from building C to building D, he slammed the elevator door, as he always did. He thought he heard rustling in the shaft, but he paid no attention. Once he got to 612D, a 64 ounce presto cup bong was handed to him, and Brune told him to smoke. He inhaled deeply, and there was a knock at the door. It seemed as if time had stopped. things began to change colors, swirl, and reality itself seemed to be altered. Shmoo turned from his normal happy black and white self to a pink and yellow polka-dotted guy. His eyes bugged out and turned green, he grew Mr. Bill-like red lips, and went from being a shy happy fellow to a hell raiser to rival Pinhead.
Brune opened the door and there stood Stone Cold Steve Austin (SCSA). SCSA
put Brune in a full nelson, then threw him across the room. He then squatted
over the threshold to Brune's house and took a massive dump. He began to giggle
mid-poop and the bowel movement became more violent, as the laughing agitated
his intestines. Soon he laughing his ass off, literally. Feces covered all of
the walls in the living room, and Brune lay in the corner, buried under a pile.
Shmoo didn't know why, maybe it was the pot, but he thought it was hilarious.
He too began to laugh, and when SCSA pulled his pants up to leave, Shmoo just
laughed and waved.
Just then, the pile of shit began to smoke. The pile heaved, as if there was
a giant pulsating air bubble underneath. Then, suddenly, the pile exploded and
black fecal matter spackled the entire apartment. SCSA and Shmoo watched in
awe. As the smoke cleared, there stood Dopeman. He had the head of Brune, but
with Bob Marley hair. In one fell swoop, he pulled a half ounce out of his ass,
made some magic brownies and devoured them. Just then, SCSA had an idea. They
would all go to Great Bend. Brune was elated. They all got in SCSA's Gremlin
with a blower, horns and a beard, and were off.
…In Great Bend....
"Follow me" said the Shmoo, who knew just where to go. They departed
from the 56-156 intersection, up the bypass and to 24th street. SCSA decided
to take a detour, and go through the zoo. Shmoo was riding shotgun, Brune bitch.
"What does this button do?" questioned Brune, who was high as a kite.
The Shmoo knew well what it was for, and pushed it. Suddenly, two rotating buzz-saws
shot out of the side of the vehicle, and decapitated two wallabies. SCSA laughed,
as did the Shmoo. Brune, "Dopeman" from now on, was concentrating
on rolling a joint. Then, Jack Horkheimer skated by on a silver-surfer like
platform. SCSA took a hard left, going the wrong way. He threw a nuclear bomb
into the duck pond. Then, suddenly, Evil Kneival appeared, and jumped over the
moon.
Shmoo jumped out of the moving vehicle, rolled a few times, and recovered, just in time to blast away a family of ducks with his shotgun. SCSA set his sights on a certain duck, which was 10 feet tall, and stood upon a power-line. "Where have I seen this duck before", thought SCSA. Then, suddenly the duck morphed into Ron Manneth (Manny.) Evil Kneivel (EK) landed on the ground with a thud, and took his place at the right hand of Manny. Manny patted him on the rump, and EK blasted SCSA, Jack Horkheimer, and Brune with a ray-gun which froze them in place as it rendered them unconscious. Shmoo watched helplessly from the duck pond as his friends were teleported. Then EK morphed into Vatorbutt (VB) and Manny grew a few hundred pair of legs. VB hopped on the Mannipede's back and they ran towards Lawrence. Shmoo went back to SCSA's custom hot rod and wept. Then, all of sudden - it was clear to him! He knew were to go, the catacombs beneath the towers!
Once he got to Lawrence, he ran to the storm sewer drain, and jumped in
headfirst, and began walking around searching for footprints like those Brune
had showed him in the snow years before. He pulled out his one-hitter, and took
a pull, the weed would help him think. Off in the distance, a skinless dingo
howled.
When SCSA, Brune, and Horkheimer came to, Brune got baked, and they realized they were not alone. They were in some type of stasis chamber with several people who had disappeared mysteriously. They were also suspended in gel. In walked the Mannipede, who pulled out a remote control looking device, and pushed the only button on it. All of a sudden, the hostages were transported to 304C. Without warning, Paddington Bear walked in with 50 pounds of dynamite strapped around his waist and a detonator in his hand. "You will meet my demands, or you will die," he calmly announced. D.B. Cooper cringed. Why did this always happen to him? Amelia Earhardt, who had been hiding in the corner began to weep, quietly and Kittywampus stood up. "I am always prepared," he declared.
Kitty whipped out a pocket sized container of Chinese blister salve. He mixed it with a dust bunny and two pennies. As he dove behind a Fairmont bench seat, he threw the concoction at Paddington Bear, who died the second it hit him. Unintentionally, it also set off the bomb. Amelia Earhardt and D.B. Cooper were thrown from the apartment, around the corner, down the hall, and into the elevator shaft by the blast, whose doors had been conveniently left open, and just as conveniently slammed shut behind them.
From inside the catacombs of elevator shafts and tunnels, Shmoo heard the noise. He hid, and watched as VB lunged toward the unfortunate people and tied them up. After making a white wine sauce and some sautéed Portabellos, he untied and devoured them. According to the legend Brune had told him, VB was to sleep after the feast. If that were so, all he would have to do was wait, so wait he would, he settled back and listened to the delicate sounds of Master P that drifted though the shafts. His eyelids began to grow heavy, but then something caught his eye. Was it...no it couldn't be... it was!! SCSA, Brune, and Andy the German came to Shmoo's hiding place and crouched beside him. "What happened to Horkheimer" Shmoo asked. SCSA looked at Brune, who pulled out a bong made from the star hustler's skull. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," said Brune. "I guess I just get carried away..." He walked to a corner at held a bong session with Andy the German who had dressed up for the occasion in a Saints starter jacket and some old Hawaiian shorts. Just then, Andy keeled over dead, Brune took his jacket and put it on. Shmoo and SCSA stared in disbelief and Brune just said, "It's chronic."
Then without warning, Shmoo noticed that VB was asleep, as SCSA, Brune, and the Skull had entered unnoticed. "Good, VB is asleep," said Shmoo. Just then, a skinless dingo barked down the shaft from the 6th floor. VB's ears perked up, and he stood. Shmoo's hiding place was only big enough for him, and it showed. VB saw Brune and SCSA, and reached out to them with Inspector Gadget-like arms. "Where is that traitor Mannipede!" shrieked VB. "I can't believe he let you go!", cried VB, as he grabbed a drawer from a dresser that had been deposited down the shaft, and threw it across the room. SCSA took out his trusty butter knife and cut himself from VB's grasp. Shmoo watched in horror as VB popped Brunes head off, and put it in his oven. "375 for 30 minutes" the cookbook said. VB put on his apron, and made some "Brunie Brownies", all in a summers day. "You are next!", shrieked VB to SCSA. SCSA noticed some pogo sticks in the corner, and made a mad dash for them. He made it, and pogo-ed his way out of the shaft, all the way up to the 6th floor ledge. Shmoo celebrated SCSA's escape with a bottle of the bubbly. A loud "Pop" was heard as the cork blew off. VB immediately lunged towards the corner, shrieking like a Bin Laden head. Shmoo found a magical crack in the wall, and managed to seep through, where he emerged inside the freezer in the McCollum Hall Kitchen.
…On the 6th floor...
SCSA was trying to pry the elevator doors open, when suddenly the elevator started
to come up. SCSA looked up, and to his dismay he saw a bunch of sharp titanium
studs, with skulls impaled upon them. "Oh no, I am doomed" thought
SCSA to himself. As he braced himself, the elevator suddenly stopped on the
3rd floor. A couple of hooligans got out, leaving one lone Chinaman inside.
"I am going to floor number 6" said the man. SCSA held his breath.
Then, suddenly, the elevator doors slammed shut. The elevator shuddered, and
then hung up between floors 5 and 6. VB's ears perked at the sound. "Oh
boy, more ingredients" he said with a frothing mouth. Quick as a bunny,
VB went for his pogo sticks, so that he could jump up and claim his prize. "Damn,
SCSA has them!!", said VB, as he fell to the ground dejected. The oven
buzzer chimed, and his spirits lifted. "Brunie Brownies!" Giddy as
a schoolboy, VB put on his mittens and pulled out his treats, which smelled
like weed. He ate them, and sat down for a nap.
…Back up the shaft....
"There has to be some way out of here!" said SCSA. The top of the
Elevator car was now in reach. As he scanned the area, he saw a pair of channel
locks, an old sock, a hard boiled egg, and a monkey with 7 asses. SCSA remembered
the trick Kittywampus has taught him, and he quickly fashioned a pry bar out
of the old sock. In the 6th floor hallway, a skinless dingo howled, when suddenly
the doors flung open, so hard that they would never close again. SCSA emerged
happily, but not alone. There he stood, face to face with Mannipede and his
sidekick, the queer EK.
…Back in the shaft...
VB woke up after eating the entire batch of Brunie Brownies. He finished off
a bottle of Night train to kick it in the ass. Suddenly, his eyes began to swirl.
Tim busted through the walls, and safely guided VB into his belly.
…Back in Great Bend...
Popeye Patterson watched all that had happened from atop a large tree. He was
curious as to what was thrown into the duck pond. "I think I'll go see
what it is" he said in a scruffy voice. He put on his scuba gear, and dove
in. On the ocean floor he found a nuclear bomb, with 30 minutes left on the
timer, next to a large hole in the shape of a duck. Popeye decided it was best
to throw the bomb down the whole, and so he did. Then, suddenly, Ducky appeared,
furious. He committed mutiny by eating his old master, and then taking the bomb
under one wing, he went down the hole.
…Back in the 6th floor hallway....
"So we meet again" said SCSA. Mills Lane appeared on the scene, and
the fight was on. SCSA wasted no time and broke Mannipede glasses. The monstrosity
was basically helpless without his specs. Mannipede cried in despair, as SCSA
plunged a butter knife into Mannipede's skull. Mannipede was no more. The corpse
disintegrated, and that was that. SCSA was on a roll, and he now had enough
courage to fight VB. Down the shaft he went.
…Back in the Shaft....
VB came to, and took over Timmy's controls. Then, suddenly, the Earth began
to rumble. Ducky busted through the floor, a nuclear bomb in wing. He had tunneled
all the way from Great Bend to the shaft. "Quack Quacky quaky" said
ducky, as the timer ticked down. 10...9...8, SCSA made it down, and decided
to hide in the corner where Shmoo used to be. He found no trace of Shmoo, and
feared him dead. 4..3... SCSA saw the magical crack and left just in time...2...a
skinless dingo howled...1...
It was as if time stood still in the magic crack in the shaft wall, SCSA and
Shmoo braced themselves for the inevitable. They could see it, for inside the
magical crack, it was as if the entire catacomb system beneath the towers were
made of double sided glass. They saw the little red LED display on SCSA's nuke
as it counted down, on the wall were surveillance cameras of the entire network
of tunnels. Then Zero hour. The nuke exploded, incinerating the monstrous Ducky,
then the Mannipede followed, his mouth open in a groan as his last breath was
ignited in his lungs. Mills Lane was next, his referee uniform melting to his
skin from the heat, then the Chinaman from the 6th floor, then the mysteriously
hidden skinless dingo that kept barking, then the corpses of Paddington Bear,
Amelia Earhardt, D.B. Cooper, and EK.
All was consumed in the massive hellfire. SCSA and Shmoo watched from morbid fascination and did not even notice that Kittywampus had made it through the magic crack at T minus 1/2 second. The fire and radiation spread through the catacombs like cholera in Africa, scorching the walls and killing all that lived. When the inferno had subsided, Kitty, SCSA, and Shmoo walked through the rubble. "Oh, the humanity!" cried SCSA. Out of the corner, something caught Shmoo's eye, he walked over and picked up Horkheimer's skull. Sure enough, the bowl was still cherried. He exhaled and took a deep hit. He and the skull began to laugh.
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