"BAAAAAAAAAA" proclaimed Son of Tumnus (SOT Hereafter). SOT wasted no time and shot a perfectly shaped column of mayonnaise, approximately three inches in diameter, at Kittywampus's light bulb shaped head. Luckily, Kitty dodged the bullet, but not without stubbing his left front Kitty paw in the process. "Oh no", cried Kittywampus, who was without his first aid kit. Then, suddenly, without warning, a growl was heard, and it chilled SOT and Kitty to the bone. Kind of like how drinking ice water can be so cold it hurts from the inside, but anyway, it chilled them. From out of the elevator shaft came another groan, this one more crescendoed, as if a plea. The two momentarily put the differences aside, and drew near to the open elevator doors. Inside was a sight that would have waken Marilyn Manson from the deepest, darkest nightmares. A sight so cruel, so utterly evil that one would question its origin whether being from the hottest fires of hell, or the deepest fears of mankind itself; fears somehow brought to life by the blackest of magics. Vatorbutt (VB from this point on). VB lived in the south elevator of C tower, since a time no one could recall. He fed on food that "fell through the cracks" and wore only a pair of cutoff jean shorts and an electric blanket. Poor souls who dared to wake him from his slumber knew the tale to be true. This in itself was scary, the true horror lie in what SOT and Kittywampus saw him doing. Just then, a hairless dingo barked in the distance, startling SOT and Kittywampus, and making VB look up.

VB saw SOT and Kittywampus violating his privacy, and let out a metallic scream. It was such a horrendous sound, many times worse than that of a banshee, it caused SOT's mayonnaise supply to suddenly vaporize. The sound waves were at such a frequency that it caused Kitty's head to vibrate at a destructive pace that it exploded. Just then, VB leaped out of his shaft, and onto the ledge of the 3rd floor elevator opening. SOT could not believe the sight. What was VB doing? Well, no one really knows, but some say that he was eating dinner. Posing as a bell boy, VB took his cart he fashioned out of a headboard, an electric blanket, and a squirrel skin to room 304. He knocked on the door, which was covered in stickers. The door opened, and there stood a 6 foot 3 Frenchman. "Uhh...hello?" Said the Frenchman. VB smiled and said in a gravely voice "Dinner is served." He then rushed into the apartment, knocking the Frenchman down. Proceeding into the kitchen, VB went to work with the ingredients he had saved up in his shaft. As VB went to work, the Frenchman woke up from being knocked out, and peered around the corner to see what VB was doing. "Uh…mayonnaise, uhh, how do you say.. can of piss and spoiled milk, mixed with ketchup, mustard, fetta cheese, eggs, oil, saliva, and dead fish." That is what he saw laid out on the counter. Then, VB took a branch and started stirring, mixing, then baking. 45 minutes later..."Dinner is served" exclaimed VB.

Then, out of nowhere, as if summoned from the thin air, walked Paul Hogan out of the bathroom. "G'day, don't go in there, if you know what I mean." He saw his friend Kitty with an exploded head, so he wrapped what was left in duct tape, and drew a happy face on it. VB let out a groan and began to open and slam shut the refrigerator door screaming. meanwhile, the Frenchman stared. For 30 minutes it continued, then it stopped as soon as it began. "Blimey, that was a loud ruckus!" stated Paul Hogan, "What's for dinner?"

Being Passover, VB prepared a table setting for six, in the Jewish tradition, and lit a Menorah. Arnaud, Kitty, Paul, SOT, and VB sat in first name alphabetical order, and reserved the 6th setting for the prophet Elijah. The alphabetical part was Arnaud's idea, but did not affect the meal, or the symbolism behind it.

VB passed around the dish while the others eyed it nervously. Only Paul was brave enough to serve himself a plate, and he ate it like an Ethiopian at a 4 star buffet. Kitty simply stared at his plate. Then Paul clutched his gut and staggered to his feet. Screaming he laid on his back on the dinner table. VB held him down as something began to slither under the skin of his belly, like a snake in a leathery egg getting ready to hatch. "Don't worry, I've seen this before," said VB, "some people don't take particularly well to the ketchup, especially the Aussies. If I can catch it before it gets used to the light, I'll have something to cook for tomorrow." SOT stared in morbid fascination, and Kitty continued to stare at his plate.

Just then, the phone rang, and Arnaud picked it up, "Allo?" From the other end of the phone came, "Weeeeeed!" followed by more of the hairless dingo barking. "I'm from France," he replied and hung up the phone.

Suddenly, Paul stopped screaming, and sat bolt upright on the table. He leaned to one side and ripped a fart that must have been the end result of four months of constipation. Shit flew everywhere, covering everything, and transforming his stonewashed jeans to a denim ribbon skirt, similar to a Hawaiian grass skirt, but brown and stinky. VB caught the worst of it, he was blown back against the brick wall, spackled there by thick, sticky fecal matter. Paul laughed hysterically and ran from the room, yelling, "VB, don't you ever learn?"

SOT wiped the poop from Kitty's taped eyes and decided to throw Kitty out the window, he wasn't much good with only a fraction of his head. Just then, Kitty's head suddenly went back to normal, and SOT did laugh, and Kitty did smile, and VB did feast upon the fecal matter.

With all the action going on, everyone was tired, so they all pulled out their mats and lay down for a noontime nap. Twenty minutes later....

With a crashing thud, a 1979 TA with horns and a beard smashed through the glass window in the living room, awakening out guests. Not a second later, came a Ford Fairmont blasting through the roof, as if rocket propelled from atop Mount Washington. The guests were astonished, as was Mike Stifter, who after getting noise and vile smell complaints, came rushing to the room to bill them. As if this wasn't enough, Evil Knevil suddenly materialized, as did Jerry Lewis and Marky Mark.

VB snapped Mike "Your friend" Stifter's neck like a fragile twig, and impaled the body across the twin horns of the Tumnusmobile. One sacrifice complete, now he set his sights on pacifying the driver of the Fairmont. He took a remote control out of his pocket and pushed play. the room came alive with the savage sounds of Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl." The fenders of the Ford began to shake, then in a motion more cat-like than mechanical, the car pounced on Jerry Lewis and devoured his soul. Arnaud cried out, "Noooooooo!" but it was too late. the entertainer that France had come to revere as a comedic genius was no more.

The rooms temperature had been increasing steadily the entire time, then the cars melded together to form a large, metal dingo-wallaby mix, whereas the intense heat caused Marky Mark to melt into a white wine sauce. The creature reached a paw out and safely guided SOT and Kitty into a compartment in its belly. VB bowed before the grotesquely beautiful dingo-wallaby mix, and declared his loyalty. Just then, the CD player changed CDs. VB had forgotten to remove Arnaud's CDs. The haunting sounds of European easy listening filled the room, and the Mechanimal turned its head towards Arnaud. (authors note: it is fun to dispatch characters to an interesting demise)

Just then, Jack Horkheimer roller skated in on a Silver-Surferlike star hustler platform, and in his arms, was a curled up Mr. Bean. The Mechanimal spun to greet the star hustler. Just then, Arnaud made for the front door, which was wide open. The distracted metal dingo-wallaby mix, which we will call "Tom" from now on was not fooled, as his sensors indicated a running Frenchman. Just as Arnaud lunged for the opening, Muriel appeared, and the frightened Frenchman bounced backwards off Muriel's forehead, right into Toms grasp. VB new just what to do, as he attached some jumper cables to Arnaud's genitals. Tom revved his mighty engine as fast as it would go, and the current did flow, and the Frenchman did fry, and Muriel did start to masturbate, as Kitty shoved a shovel up her ass, splitting her in two instantly. VB picked up the burnt and mutilated carcasses of the former members of the UN and put them in Tom's trunk, along with the leftovers from today's meal.

Paul Hogan awakened, and walked into the living room rubbing his eyes. "G'Day, what the hells going on in here? Is that Jack Horkheimer?" questioned Paul. "Greetings star gazers, today we....ohh..uggg...oh god help me!" pleaded the Start Hustler, as Paul Hogan, who couldn't decide if Jack was a croc or not, played it safe, and used his knife to make himself a new pair of crocodile boots. "AHHHHGGG!!!!!" shrieked Kitty, as he pointed to the feet of Paul Hogan. Paul looked down. His eyes got wide, and slowly he reached for his knife, and then...STAB! "There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito" lectured Paul. Little did he know, that was not a mosquito, it was a Mr. Bean. Oh well, that really doesn't matter. What matters is that our heroes, Paul Hogan, Kitty, SOT, Tom, VB remain, along with Evil Knevil, who was crying because he felt left out.

Marky Mark observed all this from the end of the hallway, nearest the elevator. he wet himself, and pushed the button. The elevator arrived and opened, in doing so, it chimed its arrival. VB's ears perked, knowing the sound, and he exclaimed to the sissy Evil Knevil, "Give me a hand by slamming the elevator door shut, I'll handle the rest." Out they ran, and VB busted into the stairwell in a mad dash. Just as the elevators doors crashed shut, courtesy of Evil Knevil the elevator car began to trash violently in the shaft. A scream was heard, as were pleas for mercy, then... nothing. According to the legend, after the consumption of a human, VB must hibernate, and it seemed true, VB was not coming back. Evil let out a rebel yell, then jumped on his tricked out motorcycle and drove off through the stairwell, no longer feeling left out, and no longer wanting to be part of the mayhem.

Paul bid everyone G'day as he walked to the parking lot and his brand new Subaru Outback. The mysteriously hidden skinless dingo trotted up to the car and hopped in the passenger side, and the duo drove off to raise hell with the crocodile hunter, who Paul felt was a poser.

Suddenly the room was full of the noise of hydraulics and tearing metal as Tom de-evolved into two classic cars. Kitty and SOT sat on the floor after falling out of the metamorphisizing Mechanimal 's stomach, and the corpses that had been placed in the trunk were jettisoned out of the window in the form of hundreds of newspapers. The mysterious creature had an uncanny talent of alchemy, and was able to transform matter from one form to another.

Kitty and SOT looked up at the cars, who drove them? Who had the power to do such physics-defying things? Who was able to control chaos, as if chaos was a slave to their desires? Just then, the drivers side doors of the bearded, horned TA and Fairmont opened.

Suddenly, the sounds of a thousand trumpets celebrated their arrival. Kitty and SOT knew who it was. As they both eagerly watched with an awe on their faces...suddenly, a fart, so loud and so cruel rumbled from the elevator shaft. Suncat and Mr. Tumnus got out of their vehicles, both angry that VB had ruined the ambiance of their arrival. "Mr. Tumnus is our friend, he has rules that they will bend" shouted Mr. Tumnus, who we will refer to as "Tumnus" from here on out. Suddenly, a rabid VB busted through the metal elevator doors onto the 3rd floor, and looked left. During his hibernation, someone had replaced his homestyle white sausage gravy with a white Marky Mark sauce. VB always eats biscuits and gravy after he wakes up. This time, however, the food was tainted. It made VB into a rabid VB, with a bunch of little Marky Mark GI Joe-sized entertainers crawling all over him. VB rushed towards our heroes. Kitty used his enormous brain power to quickly think of a defensive maneuver. Without warning, Kitty jumped over the cars, after one revolution, he grabbed the bubble-gum stalactite which was growing from the smoke detector, and launched it at VB. It impaled his head, and VB was no more. The Marky Marks were parasitic, and died instantly. "I am always prepared" gloated Kitty. It was now time for a break, and they all new exactly where to hang out, apartment 208C, home of Jaime "Fat Chinese" Young.
Once, they arrived, they were seated on worn out couches and offered beer steins and Super Nintendo games. Jamie stripped her clothes, began to spank herself, while chanting "no likey beer, likey ninny-tinny!" She then broke a beer bottle over her head, and fell to the floor unconscious

Kitty chose to drink a Viking brew, Mead. Made from honey, it was strong, dark, and had a big head, just the way Kitty liked his mead...and his women. He picked up his stein full of mead and down the hatch it went. All seemed to be going well, when suddenly, Skelator came out of Kitty's empty stein. "Ha, ha, ha, I am Skelator. I will rule the universe!", said Skelator. Kitty was not frightened, because he remembered what the old Soothsayer said to him previously. "If Skelator ever comes out of your beverage...feed him Swiss Cake Rolls." Quick thinking Kitty pulled a packet of Swiss Cake Rolls out of his secret compartment in his head. He then fashioned a shot gun out of what he could find, and loaded the doubled barreled gun with two rounds of Swiss Cake Rolls. "Boom" said the gun. The delicious missiles hit Skelator in the eye sockets. Skelator let out a final groan, and was no more. Just then, a streaker wearing nothing but a paper-mache shaved dingo head ran by the table, spewing a ramekin full of Death Sauce into Kitty's eyes. Temporarily blind, Kitty spat out enough cuss words to shame a sailor and blew the dingo head right off the streaker's head. Now, wearing nothing but a smile, he jumped behind Jamie Young's body, and tried to hide underneath it. He may of gotten away with it, but Kitty had been admiring the lines and contours of Jaime's body just prior, and he noticed something was awry. He stumbled over to the streaker, and with the strength of a hundred men, he simultaneously ripped carpet tacks from the floor, held the streaker up to the wall and nailed him to it. Then he kept his bargain with the dark spirits of hell, and summoned a thousand banshees to claim the streaker's soul, and a thousand dangerous beasts to claim the body.

Slowly, his eyesight returned. The first thing Kitty saw was horrified expressions on the faces of SOT, Tumnus, and Suncat. Then he saw why. The streaker, whose soul was being stolen by banshees was no other than the reincarnated George Burns. "Oh God," started Tumnus, "You devil," finished Suncat. Then they began to laugh hysterically as his body was consumed by beasts. Very few things were more dangerous than a wounded mosquito, as Paul Hogan had taught them long ago, but a thousand times more dangerous than a wounded mosquito, were a thousand wounded mosquitoes. Everyone in C tower joined in, even the members of the UN, who had no air conditioning and whose laughter sounded like the baying of donkeys, and there was much rejoicing, because everyone knows the C in tower C stands for Camelot.

The End