It was a sunny day, so Mr. Tumnus decided to go to Hardees, and hide out in their bushes by the drive through. Whenever anyone would order a Mushroom and Swiss, he would decapitate them, for no good reason. "Oh boy, here comes Ron Maneth, he always orders one, and with extra mayo" thought Tumnus to himself. "I'll have a...oh,,, ahhhhh!!!" screamed Ron, as Mr. Tumnus decapitated him with sharpened hooves. "Oh my god, what have you done!" said the person working drive-thru. "He was about to order a mushroom and Swiss" said Mr. Tumnus matter-of-factly. "Oh, well, thank you then" said the drive through worker. "What is your name" asked the worker. "My name is Mr. Tumnus" said Tumnus. "What is yours" Tumnus asked. "There are some who call me...Alfonso, but you can call me God" said the worker. "For your good deed, I give you this", said God, as he handed Tumnus an old holster. "This once belonged to a cowgirl, named Martha Nunez" said God. God then told Tumnus the entire legend, of how one day, Martha was in the outhouse taking a massive dump, when suddenly a scarecrow came alive and attacked her. She made a deal with it, and it left her alone. The deal was, that her soul now belonged to the scarecrow, who was known as "Mr. Chang." Mr. Chang was a Chinese scarecrow...the kind that had connections. Also, as part of the deal, she would never die. Mr. Chang also gave her special powers, so that if she stared at another living creature long enough, it will instantaneously combust. "So, she is still alive?" asked Tumnus. "Yes...I stole the holster from her, but not without paying a price" said God, as he turned around and showed Tumnus his scorched ass. "She thought I had a nice ass, and stared at it" said God. "Anyway, I give it to you, because you are worthy, and because it is cursed." Mr. Tumnus had heard enough, and proceeded to hang, draw and quarter God. "That is the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard" thought Tumnus to himself. He then powerbraked the Tumnusmobile until it was enveloped in a cloud of smoke, pulled a kitty on the lawn, and then left. Even though the story was far fetched, it has his curiosity. He was now off to Suncat's lair, where he would discuss the situation. "Ah, Suncat's house" said Tumnus as he pulled into the driveway. As he grabbed the holster, something fell out. He picked it up. It was a map. Upon further inspection, Tumnus found that the map gave directions to a secret city, buried far beneath the ground. It was ruled by a Chinese scarecrow, and the gates were guarded by Martha Nunez. Just then, Suncat came out to greet Tumnus by magically transforming the Tumnusmobile into a 1975 brown Plymouth and hurling a 2 foot snowball at his windshield. The snowball was about the equivalent of a good sized snowman's ass, and it cracked the windshield easily enough. He then summoned up a thousand soulless banshees and sent them to his neighbors house to raise hell. Suncat hopped in the Tumnusmobile, as it returned to its original splendor. Ah, that Trans Am smell, nothing like it. Tumnus pressed a button and the car morphed into a metal banshee named Horace. Horace shrieked and for 10 miles around, peoples ears bled, and they would never hear again. Laughing, Tumnus told the story of the map and holster, and Suncat agreed, Mr. Chang was a bitch and they would go to his lair, take what they wanted, slap Martha around a few times just for laughs, and then release Vatorbutt (VB) to have his way after they were done. "Let's go," said Suncat, "First things first," replied Tumnus, "we have a VB to catch."
Horace sped towards the street entrance to the Jayhawker Towers Catacombs, where VB slept. There he lie, all curled up with his little MaMa Doll, thumb in mouth, the duo laughed when they saw how VB slept, waking him. Before he could fully wake up and put up a semblance of a fight, Suncat threw a Spiderman web over him, which, as everyone knows, is impossible to escape from. VB whined and complained, to silence him, Tumnus maced, then struck him with the Tumnus Temporary Paralysis Wand. VB lie there motionless from the temporary paralysis as Ma Gorg flew in on a acid trip. She gathered him up and placed him in the trunk of Horace, which transformed back into the Tumnusmobile, and gave the horns a quick polishing, curtseyed, and was off like a prom dress for Vegas, where she had a gambling double date with Popeye Patterson and destiny. Suncat shrugged and hopped in, Tumnus dropped a steamy loaf in VB's toilet (without flushing - of course) and took his place behind the wheel. Stone Cold Steve Austin (SCSA) walked in hitchhiking and was obligated to take the back seat. "Can we go now?" demanded Tumnus.

Without waiting for an answer he morphed the car into a metal Secretariat, and hauled ass towards the cave entrance to Mr. Chang's. Suncat wished a cell phone into existence and called Chang collect, claiming to be Mrs. Chang. When he accepted the charges, Suncat ordered 3 orders of Chicken Lo Mein and Crab Rangoons for everyone, groaned and hung up. SCSA laughed and said, "Now that they know we're coming, won't it be harder?" To which Tumnus simply replied, "As if."

Just then, the phone rang...Mr. Chang had *69'd them. Tumnus and Suncat looked at each other and laughed. Tumnus answered the phone with..."Oh....God Help Me! I need weeeeeeeed." "Now listen, you mans...You pay for this!" said an angry Mr. Chang, in horrible English. "Here, let me give you my credit card number" said Tumnus, laughing. "I will kill you both!" said Chang, as he slammed the phone down to hang up. "Listen you old piece of shit, we'll come in and RULE your ass!" Chang was still slamming the phone down, it wouldn't hang up. "Goddam piece shit..fock!" and finally, he was off. SCSA was hanging out the back window, yelling at some hootchie mamas. "Hey baby, wanna go for a ride with SCSA?" said SCSA. The black one with the big-ass-bootie came up to the Secretariat, which suddenly morphed into a giant Black Widow. Their new vehicle of death spun a web from the street to the stoplight. Suncat had control of the Spider, and spun the black whore into a web, and proceeded to suck her dry, all the while playing Ninny-Tinny with his right foot, and finishing off a Mr. Misty (Lime). Mr. Tumnus and SCSA were about to die laughing, when the light turned green. "No more time to waste...we have work to do," said Tumnus, and they were off to the hidden city.

On the way, Tumnus explained their plans. "Ok, our first goal is to get past Martha Nunez, the 140 year old raisin with buggy eyes. This won't be easy, as she can set you aflame for some distance. Oh, here it is." said Tumnus. They were there. It was about 3am, and they parked on the other side of the mountains. From there they hiked around until around 5am, when the entrance to the hidden city came into view.

"Ok, Suncat, got the mirrors?" asked Tumnus. "Check" said Suncat. Then suddenly, SCSA made a mad dash for the entrance, screaming like a banshee. He was about halfway through, when suddenly, Martha Appeared. "Noooooo, you dumbass!" screamed Tumnus, but it was too late. To everyone's surprise, she looked exactly like the picture they found at the library. SCSA stared her down. It was like an old western. Suncat and Tumnus watched in anticipation, as SCSA lunged for Martha. In midair, he was aflame, Martha hadn't budged, and a skinless dingo howled. His charred bones clanked on the ground, and Martha calmly collected them, put them in a leather pouch, and sat back down in her lawn chair. Tumnus and Suncat both shook their head. "Well, I guess we should have told him first," said Suncat. Tumnus agreed. Then, suddenly, without warning, an unexpected guest arrived. "Goddam!, he's going to spoil everything!" screamed Tumnus, for down from the heavens came a huge man, Paul Bunyan to be exact.
As he neared the ground he divided himself into four paratroopers and a cow. The cow hit Martha in the leg, causing a compound fracture, and distracting her while the paratroopers drifted to the ground. First to touch down was a man named Claudius, who was a Vatorbutt cloning project gone bad. He was a combination of the Quaker Oat Man and Wilford Brimley, and he had a nasty reputation as someone who loved to crash a party. Scrappy Doo, Dr. Bunsen, and Beaker followed close behind. Tumnus never really liked Claudius due to the fact that he recruited some of the best minions, minions that surely would have wound up working for Suncat and Tumnus Inc. Beaker and Dr. Bunsen were notoriously violent and sloppy hit men, that nearly always took out their target, along with a large civilian contingent that most mercenaries would consider unacceptable. Suncat would have called it fair, but Tumnus called it weak. Bunsen was a bad aim, due to having no eyes, but Beaker was the bomb. Scrappy Doo just sucked, and as if to prove it, Martha shot him a glance that burned his cartoon ass to cinders before he hit the ground. Beaker and Bunsen hid behind some rocks and began concocting. Beaker stood up and threw a thing at Martha, which blew up. Soon she was encased in wax, which being opaque, did not allow Martha a good look at anything, and rendered her abilities useless. Claudius clapped his hands and the remaining three paratroops, dead cow, and ashes of Scrappy coalesced and turned into a flock of seagulls which flew towards Mr. Chang's city. "Come on," yelled Suncat to Tumnus, who was busy pulling the Martha's eyes out. Once he had them, he installed them in a Wakey Baby which had eyelids, which opened when the doll was held vertically. He then put two big marbles in Matha's hollowed sockets and with a flick of the wrist, she could see again, but since she was bound and gagged by the wax, she was no threat. He ran to join Suncat at the city gate. The flock of seagulls was being decimated by the town's residents who were all double-barreled shotgun toting rednecks. They made short work of about half of the seagulls, and the rest formed a circular swirling formation. Though he didn't like Claudius, Tumnus was able to communicate telepathically with him. He learned the layout of the city and where Chang was. And he knew that Claudius wasn't hurt, the portion of the gulls that got shot were the ones that the cow morphed into, so no one was really in any danger. A rotating region of high energy formed in the center of the swirling gulls, and a wormhole opened. The flock of Claudius gulls flew in, and were never heard from again. Somehow from the other side of the hole, Evil Kneivel flew in atop a stinger missile motorcycle with Snuffalupugus, Kittywampus, and Son of Tumnus (SOT) in symmetrically mounted twin sidecars. It was the damndest thing Suncat had ever seen, but Tumnus took it in stride and put the finishing touches on his new gun. He had taken the Wakey Baby's head off the rest of the doll and put it on the end of a pistol. He had connected the eyelids by linkage to the hammer of the gun. It was an ingenious invention, and totally safe. In any position other than the firing position, the eyes were closed, but once the hammer was cocked, the eyes opened and anything he pointed it at caught on fire. SOT and Kitty leapt out of the rocket cycle as EK did a low fly by, when suddenly EK hit an invisible wall, and he perished in the collision. "It appears that someone has put up a force field" said Tumnus. SOT and Kitty gathered themselves, and then fell in line with the rest of the troops. Snuffalupugus was really nothing but a large, hollow chocolate figurine...and melted when Tumnus pointed his gun at him. Then, it started to rain Reeses Pieces, when suddenly..."Goddamn...We have work to do!" exclaimed Tumnus, and they all got back on track. "We must find Mr. Chang's hideout" said Suncat. Suncat pulled the map out of his pocket, sat down, and studied. Everyone else sat down too, and took the opportunity to get a good look at their surroundings. "The Hidden City...Hmmp!" said Kitty, as he well knew, that the only reason it was hidden was because someone forgot to put it on the map. It was, in fact, Great Bend Kansas...the poorest excuse for a town that ever was. Apparently a couple of the people at Rand McNally were from Great Bend, and conveniently chose to leave it out. In fact, they left out the entire stretch of Highway 56 from McPherson to Great Bend. It was just as well they did, thought Kitty...strange things happen there.

"I've got it!" exclaimed Suncat. He showed everyone a portion of the map, named "Little Mexico." He is there...I know it!" said Suncat. "Why would a Chinese guy be in a Mexican place?" asked Tumnus. "Either that or Taco Bell" said Suncat. Everyone had a blank stare on their faces, all except Tumnus. "Ahh....I understand." said Tumnus, who really didn't, but anyway...off to "Little Mexico" they went. On the way, SOT and Kitty stopped by JL Coins, and stole a bar of silver, a gun, and 10 cases of stink bombs. SOT kicked the owner in the ass so hard he fell down, baaaaaa'ed, and left. Then, the duo went to the Convent.

...Inside the Convent...

SOT and Kitty found a couple of strolling nuns in the tunnel, rolled them, and took their clothes. Posing as Nuns, they entered the Convent. All the nuns were in a large room singing, and Sisters Kitty and SOT entered unnoticed. They sat in the back, and there, they found a pew. Aptly named, thought Kitty. Then suddenly, they activated the 10 cases of stink bombs. They then left, laughing. Once outside, Kitty pushed his remote, which was connected to his automatic home security system, which he had installed on the Convent over Thanksgiving break. All the doors and windows were sealed with iron shutters. SOT then pulled out his own remote, the "SOT Home Torturing System", which he made in a science class. SOT pushed the button, and the Convent slowly filled with sewage, piped in directly from the portion of town south of 10th street and east of Main. SOT handed Kitty one of the earphones, and they listened to the cries of the nuns, who were about to drown in sewage. In addition to sewage, the place was now filled with ravenous Sewerducks, which SOT had tortured with needles and electric shock ever since they were born. The cries were so loud and horrible, that they had to pull the speakers away from their ears. After it all subsided, they nuked the place, and it conveniently imploded on itself, and fell into the ground. The hole was filled with cesse, and Kitty quickly put up a sign called "Sewer." "We better catch up with the others, " said Kitty. "BAAAA" said SOT. As they were leaving, they ripped that stupid square metallic structure out of the ground, and threw it in the sewer.

Suddenly, everyone was teleported to the Meat Packing Plant. A big fat guy with big fat son, alongside a big fat women and a big fat girl, let out a collective "Halt." Tumnus pulled his new ray gun on them, and they were quickly incinerated. They were about to open the gate, when suddenly, Christmas music began playing, soon it sped up, and kept accelerating at an unprecedented rate, until the Earth's atmosphere could not handle the frequency of the music. The air itself was an impediment to the transmission of sound waves. "Quick, get in the car!" yelled Suncat to Tumnus, who promptly jumped in. the air began to vibrate, then BOOM! a crack of thunder blasted the ground of Barton County to a fragmented mess of shattered Earth. Remarkably, no one was hurt. Popeye leapt to his feet, scared to have been caught sleeping again by Mr. Chang. "Ah, good, looks lock no one caught ma nappin," he crawled back in the cot for another 40 winks. Mr. Chang watched from his surveillance nest. A rough, but handsome ford Fairmont had slipped through his security net, but that was a small problem. Popeye had missed another car, he would pay for that, all in due time, but for now, the car at hand was what Chang had to deal with. The Fairmont revved its engine as it discharged millions of lemmings through an up-til-now secret compartment. The lemmings were Asian lemmings, and they could smell Chang miles away. They raced towards him like banshees after a soul, and though he hide behind a door, he was not safe. Chang grimaced as he at once understood how much he had underestimated the powers of Suncat and Tumnus. He was immortal, as long as he remained unbitten by Asian lemmings. That was why he had originally settled in the USA, and more the reason he had paid the mapmakers to keep GB off the maps. Suddenly, an unnoticed pile of render grease came to life, it slapped the piss out of Mr. Chang, then began to liquefy as it surrounded him. Chang was transformed by the greasy flow into a Buddha-wallaby mix with zipper for a mouth and prosthetic spider legs. He towered above the packing plant, and thirsted for blood. The banshee-like lemmings froze in their tracks, then coalesced into a huge banshee, the size of a locomotive, and the two squared off. Mills Lane ran into the packing plant yard, and yelled out the rules, the bell rang, and the fight began. Suncat was wiring an electronic device together, when suddenly, Tumnus leaned forward and while farting, threw an enormous rock inside a sock at the side of the plant. Then, Kelly came running across the yard like a banshee, with a 5 gallon bucket full of ants, night crawlers, and scrubbing bubbles. He emptied the contents onto one of Chang's legs. Then suddenly, Chang launched a web made of snot at Kelly. Kelly was now stuck. Change grew a mosquito-like snout, and impaled Kelly, sucking him dry. "Let's get it on" yelled Mills, who was chewing on a piece of render he found in a bucket. The giant lemming-banshee rushed Change, and knocked him down. "Oh no, my powers have dwindled!" said Chang. It seems that the Kelly Slurpee he had earlier made him ill, and now he was doomed. Then, without warning, Mills Lane ran up to the Lemming, and knifed it in the heart. He quickly diced it up, and took the meat into the plant, and in no time, he had processed some delectable Lemming Jerky treats. He passed them out to everyone. Everyone ate. Then, Change morphed back into his old Chinese self. He pulled a jetpack out of his ass, and flew up into the air. Suncat finished his own invention, a flying Fairmont...fully loaded. Tumnus and Suncat got in. The twin jet engines screamed, and Suncat dropped the clutch. Then, they were off, hot in pursuit of Chang. Back on the ground, Popeye had got a hold of some bad render, and as a result, went insane. He went around, eating everything and everyone in sight.

...Up in the air...

"Hahaha, they will never catch me!" said Chang. He was about to pull out a book to read, when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was the Flying Fairmont. Suncat pulled down the column shifter, which to the average person had no function. He jiggled it a certain way, and the console flipped over, to expose a control panel. Tumnus readied the guns. "No wait...I want to use my special weapon" said Suncat. "You mean the one you said never to use?" asked Tumnus. Suncat entered his code, and the giant green button was now functional. The Flying Fairmont then made a vertical ascent, until they were at 33,000 meters above the Earth. "The planet is far too infected" said Tumnus. Suncat agreed. It was a hard decision, but they knew it was for the best. They put on their goggles...and the countdown began. 10...9..8..7..6..5..4..

...Somewhere in Australia...

The jet-pack ran out of gas. Chang began to fall. "Oh, this simplifies things," said Suncat, who then de-activated the weapon, which would be saved for another day, much to Tumnus chagrin. "We have lock." stated a much disappointed Tumnus, "for what its worth." Unnoticed by Suncat, Tumnus was pulling a remote control from his pocket. 10...9... "Wait a sec, I deactivated that," started Suncat. Quickly launching an anit-Chinese scarecrow infrared missile towards Chang, he ripped the Fairmont skyward again, doubtful the critical altitude would be met before time ran out. 8...7..., a lot of height had been lost in the precious moments after he thought de-activation had occurred. Making a dangerous gamble, he locked the missiles in place and fired them. The additional thrust may be just enough 6...5...4...3... "weapon armed," said the weapons monitor. Tumnus looked forward just in time to activate the blast shields and see the altimeter cross 30,000.

Tumnus looked behind them, through the rear window, he could see the VB bomb through the open trunk lid. Suncat had been working on it for some time, now it was fully functional. VB was the missing component, and Tumnus had nearly forgotten they had captured VB earlier, and the wiring was the mini-particle accelerator and critical mass extractor for the bomb. He had strapped VB to the bomb, which resembled a huge light bulb. 2....1.... "weapon released"

"That was it! The release of the bombs weight might just compensate for the thrust difference," Suncat hoped aloud. They were nearing the threshold of space, and the jets were straining from the lack of Oxygen. Suncat leaned forward and pressed another button. The jets fell silent and a sustained nuclear blast began. The thrust of the chain reaction was harnessed by vector plates, and the G forces were nothing short of amazing. Through clenched teeth, Tumnus said, "That's pretty neat, when did you have time to do all this?" Suncat looked at him and said nothing but, "Apparently I did it when I should have been looking for overrides to my controls." Tumnus blushed and shrugged as the VB bomb fell towards Earth. Suncat punched up the code and suddenly on the windshield was a projected display of the bombs trajectory, estimates of casualties, and a conveniently mounted on-board camera. VB was screaming, obviously not amused. A fast countdown clock showed how much time was left for life as Earth knew it. The monitor showed that Chang was definitely dead, in the missile was Asian lemming venom, "that must have taken some time to extract venom from those little critters" remarked Tumnus. "Mee mee" replied Beaker, who had been sitting in the back the whole time. "Oh yeah," Tumnus started, "he's on our side now, he didn't make it through the porthole with Claudius."

By this time, low Earth orbit had been achieved and the Fairmont was well in space. The system monitor interrupted Tumnus' and Beeker's Kodak moment with an announcement "bomb activated." The entire Earth was consumed in a fireball as the VB nitrogen nuclear bomb ignited the atmosphere with a nitrogen chain reaction. Tumnus and Suncat stared in awe at the fire that consumed their planet, which would not be the same once they landed.